Cat jokes

• My girlfriend told me that she wanted me to pound her pussy, really, really hard. I obliged, gladly.Then she fucking moaned and cried when Fluffy died.
• I nearly hit a cat driving my car today.Who the fuck taught a cat to drive?
• Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
• How do you make a cat flap?Kick it off a cliff.
• Studies have proven that cats are smarter than dogs.How many cats do you see sat by a homeless person?
• Tips for blokes --How to clean a toilet:1. Barrow cat from neighbour.2. Pour soap into toilet.3. Add cat and close lid.4. Sit on lid.5. Allow cat time to act.6. Flush several times to rinse.7. Raise lid and admire shine.
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It"s tiny; you couldn"t even swing a cat in there.
• This scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.After about 5 or 6 whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal antlers on the wall with.He asks the barman "What the fuck is that?"The barman says "It"s a Moose"The scottish chap says "Fuck me! How big are the cats!?
• A man hates his wife"s cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.When he gets home, it"s there.Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it.When he gets home, it"s there.So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?""Yes, why?" asks his wife."Put the cunt on," he says, "I"m fucking lost."
• My cat gave birth the other day. Today we watched the kittens climb out of their box for the first time. You should"ve seen the looks on their little faces - it was like "Why the fuck am I in the middle of a lake?"
• 3 mice are sat in a pub, having a few pints and they"re discussing which one is the hardest.The first mouse says "I"m the hardest. I go up to mousetraps, rip out the cheese and, as the bar comes down, I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the floor."The second mouse replies "You nonce! I get the rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it!"The third mouse shrugs his shoulders, downs his pint and walks to the door."Where you going?" ask the other two."I"m off home to fuck the cat!"
• I"m worried that the survivors of the chinese earthquake will soon start to starve............being a bit cash strapped at the moment,I couldn"t make a pledge to the Red Cross, so I posted my neighbours cat.
• A man walked into a pub with a sweating Ostrich under one arm and a sopping wet cat under the other and sat down at the bar."What can I get you?" asked the landlord."Pint of best bitter for me", said the man."Stella", said the Ostrich, fanning itself with a beer mat. "Is it me, or is it hot in here?""Pint of Guinness and I"m not buying." snarled the cat, shaking the water off it"s back."OK, that"ll be six pound twenty, please guv." said the landlord.The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him.Fifteen minutes later the landlord noticed their glasses were empty and asked, "Same again, guv?""No" said the man, "I think I"ll have a stella","And your, er - pets?""Pint of Stella", said the Ostrich. "And make sure it"s ice-cold. It"s roasting in here.""I"ll have a Pint of Guinness and I"m not fucking paying." said the cat. "And get me a towel, I"m soaking."The landlord complied and said: "That"ll be seven pound ten pence, please, guv."The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him.An hour later their glasses were empty again and the landlord walked over to them and asked:"What"ll you have?""I"ll have a vodka tonic", said the man."Double brandy on the rocks", said the Ostrich. "And make sure there"s plenty of ice in it. I"m burning up!""Pint of Guinness and I"m still not paying." said the cat. "And get me another towel, this one"s wringing wet!"The landlord complied and said: "OK. That"ll be nine pound twenty, please."The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him.By now the landlord"s curiosity had got the better of him and he asked:"Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?""I found this bottle on holiday in Turkey with a genie in it and she granted me three wishes."The landlord was intrigued. "May I ask what they were?""Certainly", replied the man. "My first wish was that I would always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I wanted to buy.""That"s a pretty clever wish. What were your other two wishes?""That"s where I blew it. I asked for a really hot bird with long legs and a tight, wet pussy."
• A broad Yorkshireman went into the vet"s."I"ve come about t"cat"Vet- "Is it a tom"?"Nay, ah brung it wimmee".
• A man went into a supermarket, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout.The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"The man replies, "Yes I do."The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"The man replies, "No, I left it at home."The cashier then says, "I"m sorry, but I can"t sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout.The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"The man replies, "Yes I do."The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."Then the cashier says, "I"m sorry, but I can"t sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"
• Three tough looking rats are sitting at a bar drinking.The first rat puts down his beer and turns to the others, saying, "You know how tough I am? Well, you know that rat poison they put down in the kitchen? I eat that stuff for breakfast lunch and dinner!"The second rat looks unimpressed and says, "That"s nothing. You know those big fucking rat traps they got all over the place? Well, get this - I jump in and out of them for a bit exercise. That"s how tough I am!"The third rat knocks back his whiskey, slams the glass down on the bar and heads for the door. "Where are you going?" asks the first rat."I"m off home to shag the cat", replies the third rat.
• Torrential rain has been hampering relief efforts in the Chinese earthquake zone....Luckily for survivors, it"s been raining cats and dogs.
• I"ve never understood why women love cats.Cats are independent. Cats don"t listen. Cats don"t come in when you call and cats like to stay out all night. When they are at home, cats like to be left alone to sleep.In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat...!
• Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break,do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. AND THAT"S WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT.
• I do love a nice tight pussy....This is why I"m banned from my local Cats Protection League.
• Why don"t nigger kids play in the sandbox?Cats keep covering them up.
• A cat walks into a bar and orders a drink. This perplexes the bartender, because he knows that not only are cats unable to speak, but the mundane life of a cat would never warrant its needing an alcoholic beverage of any sort. Furthermore, even an exceptionally intelligent cat's thought processes wouldn't function at this level of complexity. Needless to say, the bartender is utterly confused. Suddenly, the bartender bolts upright in bed, drenched in a cold sweat, slowly coming to grips with his nightmare. Glad to be back in a world that makes sense to him, he nudges his wife to regale her with his bizarre dream. Unfortunately, at 2:37 AM, she doesn't share his enthusiasm for a life of normalcy, sans talking cats. Still sitting upright, the bartender reflects. Their marriage has soured a bit these last few years. On top of that, mounting financial pressures are taking a toll on their savings. So many things he just can't understand. The bartender is drained of his enthusiasm and lies back down, facing away from his wife. A few moments later, he begins to weep into his pillow.