Cards jokes

• A Woman is like a pack of Cards...You need a Heart to love her,You need a Diamond to win her,You need a Club to smash her head in,And a Spade to bury the bitch.
• My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the ocean.
• Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven?Because if they all went, it would be hell.
• Spare a thought for Shannon Matthews and her family today......They are still writing out their Fathers Day cards.
• My mate recently lost his wife and child.I kept telling him he was shit at cards.
• I lost my wife last thursday.... oh what a game of cards that was.
• This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I will never forget that game of cards...
• I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.I got a full house and four people died.
• While playing cards last night I was accused of cheating.Apparently lipstick on my collar gave me away.
• Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of oils and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "John Constable of Jail".Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?" He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, skiing, roller-skating......"
• What"s a Cops favourite Hand in Poker?Four Clubs beats a Spade.
• Danny meets Peter shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "It"s my wife"s birthday tomorrow." Peter said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday." "And?" Danny asked. "Well, she said, "Oh, I don"t know, just give me something with diamonds on it"." "So what did you end up getting her?" asked Peter "I bought her a deck of cards!"