Car jokes

• I once told my wife she looked sexy with black fingernails.Now she thinks I slammed her hand in the car door on purpose.
• How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.
• Two chavs race their Novas off a cliff to see who hits the bottom first. Who wins?Society.
• Due to rising petrol prices, Volkswagen have released a hydrogen vehicle, the VW Hindenburg. The market is expecting a boom.
• A tip for women: before going to your local petrol retailer, check what side of your car your petrol cap is on. It does not change and remains constant throughout your journey.We all make mistakes, however, and if, by chance, you have gone to wrong side of the petrol pump then live with this decision and stretch the hose over to fill your vehicle.Trying to reverse out and move to another pump is not a good idea on a busy Saturday morning. If you do insist on this course of action though, then please at least check your mirror before you manoeuvre. Do not leave the illumination of your reverse lights as the first indication of your planned actions causing panic in the gentleman patiently queuing behind you.
• What do you call a chav that has a tasteful car?A thief.
• What do you call Tim Westwood in a car?A Cunt.
• Did you know, that if all the cars in England were lined end to end....it would probably be Bank Holiday Monday.
• A car was towed today in Liverpool when a suspicous object was found on the windscreen. It was later identified as a tax disc.
• One in five of all road accidents are caused by someone falling asleep at the wheelThat means four in five are caused by people who are wide awakeThat is why I take sleeping tablets before I start any road journey.
• Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car". Apparently it had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it.
• Have you seen those new adverts for the Citroen C5 car? Basically they are marketing it as an "Unmistakably German" car that turns out to be French. What the fuck does that mean? A car that goes around starting wars and then immediately surrenders?
• I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a policeman writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked jerk off. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horse’s arse, he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I could only imagine what the owner of the car will think when he sees all the tickets.
• I"m sure that, like me, you are very proud of our Olympic cycling gold medal winners. Truly, they are sporting heroes who have done wonders for British sport.I can"t wait for them to return home, when they will once again become wankers in Spandex who clog up the roads and get in the way of cars.
• I bought a German car the other day. My Dad told me he couldn"t believe I"d do that after what my Grandfather had been through.Apparently, during the war, my Grandfather had a series of unreliable German cars.
• This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Ford Puma doing 100mph, with her face up against the rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.I looked away for a couple of seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still putting on her eyeliner. As a man, I don"t scare easily, but she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked my McMuffin out of my other hand.In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone, which fell away from my ear into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed and burned big Jim and the twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.Fucking women drivers!
• Driving an electric car is much like giving yourself a handjob.It may feel the same, but you"re still a wanker
• Ive just seen the advert on the TV: If I drive at 30 mph and hit a child in my car there"s an 80% chance they will live but, if I drive at 40 mph, there"s an 80% chance that they will die. I don"t know what you think but isn"t the goverment promotioning irresponsible gambling?
• A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem Officer?"The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?" The driver responds, "I"d give it to you but I don"t have one.""You don"t have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I"m sorry, I can"t do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car."The officer says, "Stole it?"The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?""She"s in the boot if you want to see."The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?""One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.""Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"The man says "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn"t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
• A white lie: "No dear, your bum doesn"t look big in those jeans".A black lie: "I didn"t steal no mother fuckin" car".
• The wife"s not speaking to me, all because I wouldn"t open the car door for her...it"s not my fault, I just fucking panicked and swam to the surface!
• Why did Princess Diana cross the road?She wasn"t wearing her seatbelt.
• Two chavs are in a car, and no music is playing. Who"s driving? The police.
• Ferrari"s Formula 1 team manager decided to employ some Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew. This was because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged & sold the fucker to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed & some pictures of David Coulthard"s bird getting shagged up the arse.
• A group of Muslims walked into my car today as they were coming out of the mosque.Or at least, that"s what I told the officers.