Bus jokes

• I had a wet dream about the wife last night. She got hit by a bus and I pissed myself.
• My ringtone is a short, sharp, repetitive, high pitched bleep. Today, it went off as I was stood at a Pelican Crossing.And a blind man walked into the path of a double decker bus!
• Did anyone else find it ironic that the London 2012 double decker bus that was part of the closing ceremony at the Paralympics was not one with disabled access?
• Have you heard about the case of that fugitive who held hostage a busload of Japanese tourists?The police have 5,000 pictures of him.
• An old woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital.So I pushed her under a bus.
• My Uncle was jailed for his beliefs..He believed you could wank on the bus.
• I took the wife for a night on the town.She told me she wanted to get smashed.So I pushed her in front of a bus.
• How do you kill a bunch of retards on a bus?Put poison on the windows.
• If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate ...Do you think:(a) You need more time together, (b) She"s a prude, or (c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?
• Manchester United have cancelled their open-top tour bus.A spokesman said that, after paying so much getting to Moscow, you can"t expect fans to travel all the way to Manchester too.
• I was waiting for a bus and next to me was a woman, with her son, who was in a wheelchair.I asked the woman, "How old is your son?"The woman replied, "He"s ten years old."So then I said, "Shouldn"t he be walking by now?"
• A bloke working on the buses taking fares pushes one of his passengers off the bus and kills him. At the trial he is found guilty of murder and is sentenced to the electric chair.As a last meal he asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly eats.They sit him down, plug him in a send a million volts through him. When the smoke clears he is sitting there, right as rain. Checking through the statutes the governor finds he has no choice but to release him.The chap goes back to his job on the buses and lo and behold allows another passenger to fall to his death. Once again he is found guilty and sentenced to death.At the prison he, again, asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly recieves and scoffs down. In the chair again and this time he is zapped with 2 million volts. Smoke clears and bugger me there he sits, right as rain.As before he goes back to his old job. Through a combination of stupidity and sheer malice he, yet again, allows another passenger to fall to their death (under a train at that, it was quite nasty really!) The judge has no choice but to find him guilty and off he goes to the chair.As you may have guessed he asks for his bunch of green bananas (getting predictable now) Eats them, gets strapped in, 3 million volts and yep, he"s right as rain.The executioner, who is really pissed off by now, approaches him and asks what the secret is, is it (as he suspects) the green bananas that save his life. "No" replies the prisoner "I"m just a bad conductor!"
• A woman got on a bus holding a baby."Blimey," the bus driver said, "that"s the ugliest baby I"ve ever seen."In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong."The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.The man sympathised and said, "He"s a public servant! He shouldn"t say things to insult passengers.""You"re right!" she said. "I think I"ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.""That"s a good idea," the man agreed. "Here, let me hold your monkey."