Bum jokes

• So Barry George has been cleared of murdering Jill Dando, 8 years after the original trial.It seems the case hinged on a crucial piece of evidence: the original forensic investigation team had found evidence of a gun in his pocketBut more recent tests revealed that, actually, he had just been happy to see them.
• Sky News presenter Kay Burley claims she collapsed after being harassed by Barry George.She should think herself lucky - the last tv presenter he left on the floor never got up again.
• The old saying goes: one up the bum, no harm done.I doubt if Freddie Mercury would agree.
• There was a young girl from MauritiusWho said that last fuck was deliciousBut next time you cumCan you cum up my bumCos that scab on your cock looks suspicious
• What do you get when you cross a fruit with a vegetable?A gay man in a wheelchair!
• My Girlfriend caught me wearing her Knickers last night.Now she knows how big her bum looks in them!
• Note to anyone planning to visit America...their fannies are around the back, and men have them too...and it is advisable not to ask any guy if you can bum a fag from him.
• Barry George is in an unusually advantagous position. Having served 8 years for a crime he didn"t do, he is, strictly speaking, owed 8 years worth of crimes. Given that you tend to only get 8-10 years for sexual assault nowdays he has been in effect given "one free rape." Although I doubt that makes up for the 100s he probably got in prison.
• A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don"t tell me, you want a toothpick too.""No, a straw," says the Tramp.The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff"s gone already".
• While walking down the street, a bum asks a man for £2."Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies "No.""Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies "No."Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn"t drink or gamble?"
• These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you"re hungry, too. Why don"t you eat some of this cat?""Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat"s been dead for days, he"s all stiff and cold and smelly!"The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don"t feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you"re talkin"! It"s been months since I had a warm meal!"