British jokes

• The Americans have only ever got one thing right in lifeHow to make a burger,fries & large cokeMust have had help from the British on this one
• Its really interesting - Amir Khan enters the ring as a British Sporting Icon, and leaves as a fucking paki.
• Am I alone in thinking it ironic that the British Muslim suicide bombers made videos demanding that we get out of their lands?
• Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer,Then, on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV. And, most of all, being suspicious of anything foreign oh and.. only in Britain can you get a pizza to your door faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter. Also supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front of the shop. We might be British, but by fuck are we funny!
• British weather: it"s just like a Muslim; either Sunni or Shi"ite.
• The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise wasprecipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France"s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country"s military capability. It"s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
• What"s the difference between a British and an Iraqi soldier?Don"t know?Welcome to the United States Air Force, son!
• "Where do you come from?" the Englishman asked the American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Englishman, "you"ve got the strangest English accent I"ve ever heard."
• Be proud to be British.We know exactly where every untaxed car is located among the millions of car owners in the UK, but we haven"t got a fucking clue where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.Maybe Gordon Brown should put the fucking DVLA in charge of immigration.
• A young British soldier lost his head during a fire fight and ran for cover some distance from the action.He had not only lost his prized beret but had also lost his webbing and weapon.He was crouched down behind a wall when he felt a hand grip his shoulder and heard a calming American voice behind him say, "What the fuck do you think you"re doing here, soldier? Think of your regiment...get back there and do what you"re paid to do."The young soldier got himself back under control and said, "Sorry, mate, you"re right."The voice behind him bellowed, "MATE? I am an American Officer!"The young soldier replied, "Sorry, Sir, I didn"t realise I"d run back that far."
• After their failure in the Beijing 2008 Olympic rowing events, the Italians decided to send a spy over to the Great British camp to see if he can pick up any tips.The spy returns after observing the British training."It"s so simple," he says, "they have eight men rowing and only one man shouting and waving his arms."
• What do you call a british man in northern ireland? A basterd