Bride jokes

• If all Brides are beautiful, where the fuck do ugly wives come from?
• What do you call a chav in a white shell suit? The bride.
• My new bride arrived in the post today, and she was furious.I did tell her before the honeymoon, we could only afford one return ticket.
• I"ll tell you what I really hate about my new Thai bride.She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!
• Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought for a moment, and then said, "So why"s the groom wearing black?"
• 3 friends were getting married in the same hotel on the same day, and at the end of the night, they met up to discuss the day"s events over a couple of beers.One asks the other two: "Listen, it"s our wedding night and I was wondering -- how many times are we expected to... um... you know... do it?"Eventually, they decide to retire to their respective wives and plan to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.Suddenly, one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can"t discuss our first night"s marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sitting with us.""You"re right. What we"ll do then, is make every piece of toast we order with our breakfast represent the amount of times we did it," offers another groom.They all decide that it"s an excellent idea and depart.The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that"s nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room.The first groom places his order with the waitress: "Hello, I"ll have the full English breakfast with three pieces of toast please."The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange juice in a toast to his fantastic prowess.The waitress moves to the second couple and the groom orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast, but could I have four pieces of toast?"The waitress gets to the last groom. "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath, "seven, yes, seven pieces of toast," he calls for everyone"s benefit, while flashing a big grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief.She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again and says, "And by the way, can you make two of those brown?"
• Why do brides smile so much?Because they know they don"t have to give any more blow jobs.
• The Worried BrideA young bride is sitting on her bed, worried to death. "What"s the matter?", asks her mother."It"s the Honeymoon, Mom. Tom thinks I"m a virgin. You and I both know I"ve been with so many men.""Yes Dear", Said her Mom. "To tell the truth, I had the same problem when I married your father.""What ever did you do?""Well, before I joined you Father in bed, I asked for some private time in the bathroom.""The bathroom? Why the bathroom?""I took the raw piece of liver, that your Grandmother gave me and put it in my vagina. It made me as tight as a virgin for my wedding night and afterwards it didn"t matter."The young woman took her Mother"s advice and there followed a glorious wedding night. The next morning the Bride found herself alone in bed and a note was pinned to her Groom"s pillow. It read:My Darling,Last night was the best sex I have ever had. You are everything a man could wan"t in a wife. I Love you with all my heart and always will. But darling I can"t live with the thought that I have disfigured you for life. Forgive me darling, but Good-Bye Forever.All My Love,TomP.S.: I left your pussy in the sink.
• I"m married to a Taiwanese lady and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride.I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around two million letters and parcels each year, to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.She was sent by DHL, next day delivery.
• A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.""Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.""""That must have hurt,"" said the judge.""No kidding,"" said the best man. ""I broke three of my fingers.""
• So the bride and groom get to the bridal suite, and she strips naked in front of him."Darling," she says, "Will you love me always?"He says, "Sounds good to me! I"ll try your arse first!"