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What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?A polar bear.
Theres a rumour going round that I love cock sandwiches.This is totally untrue, I hate bread.
Little Johnny is walking down the street with his dad when suddenly he sees a honey bee, which little Johnny swats dead with his hand. His dad responds to that that with, "you cruel little fucker, because you killed that bee you will have no honey on your toast for the rest of this week!"A bit further down the road, he sees a butterfly and little Johnny catches it and kills it by pulling its wings off, which his dad responds by saying, "you horrible little bastard, because you just killed a butterfly, you will have no butter on your bread for a week!"Later on, back at the house, the family have just finished dinner when suddenly a cockroach comes out from behind the cooker. The mum squashes it with her foot, and little Johnny looks at his dad and says, "are you gonna fucking tell her or shall I?"
A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"Barman says: "No"Duck says: "Got any Bread?"Barman says: "No"Duck says: "Got any Bread?"Barman says: "No, we have no bread."Duck says: "Got any bread"Barman says: "No, we haven"t got any fucking bread."Duck says: "Got any bread?"Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven"t got any fucking bread. Ask me again and I"ll nail your fucking beak to the bar, you irritating bastard bird!"Duck says: "Got any nails?"Barman says: "No."Duck says: "Got any bread?"
I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said "Thick Cut"."
Two women knocked at my door & asked what bread I ate. When I said "White" they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.Fuckin Yer"Hovis Witnesses.
They say "you are what you eat"......so why doesn"t duck taste like bread..?
What have the BNP and Hovis bread got in common?They both use the slogan "I know what I like and that"s white, white, white."
Jesus walks into desert and up to St Peter. He says, "it"s no good Pete, Been everywhere and all I could scrounge was a few loaves and half dozen fishes."Peter tells Jesus, "it"s no problem Guv"nor, look around."Jesus looks round and sees 5,000 people all eating cod in breadcrumbs."See, it"s all taken care of," Peter says.Jesus shouts, "but how? When I left here we had nothing to eat."Peter points, "all taken care of. Judas came into a bit of money"
There was a bakery in a big city owned by a little old lady. The owner hired a very attractive young lady to work the counter in the afternoon. A few days after the young lady started, certain kinds of breads began selling like crazy. The old lady decided to figure out why. As she walked to the front counter, she noticed that a line of men had already gathered out the door and down the block. Even stranger, every man that came in ordered raisin bread. The reason, she soon figured out, was to watch her young assistant climb the ladder in her short mini-skirt and retrieve their bread! The old lady was furious and went over to the counter. She wanted to let these men know she was on to them, even if the ditsy assistant wasn"t. An old man was just about to place his order when the owner interrupted in a loud voice. "So... Is it raisin for you, too?" "Nah." the old man replied. "But it"s twitchin"."