Book jokes

• Stephen Hawking has written a new book:Around the House in Eighty Days.
• I like to go into bookshops and ask for a book called "How to cope with rejection without killing. Do you have it?"
• Stephen Hawking has written another book. It"s about time.
• I"ve been thinking of writing a mystery novel. Or have I?
• A hoodie goes to an East End library to get out a book. The assistant says, "in order to borrow a book, you need to prove you"re a citizen of London."So he stabs him.
• I thought I was getting Alzheimer"s until I found out that every time I fell asleep my wife was moving the bookmark forward 20 pages.Still I got her back by making her think she"s incontinent. Every time she falls asleep I piss on her lap.
• Every culture has its own holy book: Muslims have the Qur"an, Israelis/Jews have the Torah, Christians have the Bible and Niggers have the Jungle Book.
• My mother"s a gullible old dear, so when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I wrote out a list.She spent hours at the shopping centre trying to find an air guitar, and a fanny magnet.But she wasn"t fooled at all by my request for the book; "French Military Victories."
• They say you should never judge a book by its cover.Well, I found that "Cum drinking sluts take it up the arse" read pretty much as the cover picture suggested.
• An undertaker comes home with a black eye."What happened to you?"asks his wife."I had a terrible day,"replies the undertaker."I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.When i got there,the manager said they couldn"t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.Anyway,i find the room and,sure enough,there"s this big,naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.So i did what i always do;I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half.""I see,"says his wife."But how did you get the black eye?"The undertaker replies,"Wrong room."