Boat jokes

• How do you get 100 refugees on a pallet?Tell them it floats.
• What was the last thing Nelson said to his men before they got on the boat?Get on the boat!
• Give a man a fish and he will feed himself for a day. Teach him to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
• I went on one of them boat parties on the Thames last night. The fucking thing hit another boat and started sinking! Still, at least I can say I got off with loads of people and got my dick wet.
• Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favourite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews.Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish."Tony thought for a second and said, "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favourite brew.Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said, "You asshole, now we have to piss in the boat."
• A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different eachweek, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain"s parrot saw the shows each week and beganto understand how the magician did every trick..Once he understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it"s not the same hat!""Look, he"s hiding the flowers under the table.""Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn"t do anything. It was, after all, the captain"s parrot.Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where"s the fucking ship?"
• What"s the fastest thing on land?Stevie Wonder"s speedboat.
• Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle.Well they had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his liife and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to keep their promise. So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. "Dis"ll never do Mick, let"s row some more".After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis"ll neva do" .............The water was only up to his chest.So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears! Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?""Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."
• Paddy was driving down the road in Dublin when all of a sudden he notices somebody in a field of corn to his right in a rowing boat. So he pulls up, gets out and shouts over "You there, what"s your name and what the bejesus are ya doing in a boat in a field of corn?" The man casually replies, "Me name"s Paddy, and I"m rowing me boat, what does it look like I"m doin"?You know what," said Paddy, "Its people like yaself who give us Irish a bad name, why I"d beat you up meself right now only I can"t swim"
• Why do scuba-divers fall backwards off the boat?Because if they fell forwards they"d fall back into the boat.
• Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?""Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin" my boat, just waxin" my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said "It"s either screw or swim!" She couldn"t swim, Dave. She couldn"t swim!"The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?""Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin" my boat, just waxin" my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I told her "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, "It"s either screw or swim!" She couldn"t swim, Dave! She couldn"t swim!"A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin" over a beer.Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?""Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin" my boat, just waxin" my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" So I said, "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said "It"s either screw or swim!" She pulled down her pants and..." He paused and took a big gulp of beer. "She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can"t swim Dave! I can"t swim!"
• Joe and John were identical twins.Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John"s wife had died suddenly in his absence.When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I"m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I"m sort of glad to be rid of her." "She was a rotten old thing from the beginning." "Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish." "She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too." "Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.""I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time." "I warned them that she wasn"t very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway." "The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."The old woman fainted.