Blowjob jokes

• Fucking inflation, its costing me a fortune to get a blowjob these daysEvery time I go to the shop, the price of sweets has gone up!
• What is the definition of Trust?Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
• Why did God invent women?Because, no matter how often you try, you can never quite reach your cock with your own mouth.
• Have you ever wondered if your mother kissed you goodnight after giving your dad a blow job?Bet you have now!!!
• How do you stop your girlfriend from giving you a blowjob?Marry her.
• Some girls beg & some girls borrow,Some girls lead & some girls follow,Some bring joy & some bring sorrow,But all the best girls suck then swallow.
• My Grandad says his sex life is great. He says, since his girlfriend has been loosing her teeth, the blow-jobs have been fantastic...... May be a different story when her adult teeth start coming through though.
• Why do women have foreheads?You have to kiss them somewhere after a blowjob.
• In a recent survey into blow jobs and why men liked them so much, 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just liked the fucking silence.
• After a motorway pile up the rescue services approach a car with a man in the front seat. The man is screaming and shouting.In an attempt to calm the situation one of the rescue staff says "Calm down, it could be worse. Your wife, for example, was thrown out of the front windscreen and onto the road."The man replies "Yeah! But did you see what she had in her fucking mouth?!"
• A family of prostitutes are talking.The daughter says, "I got £50 for a blow job today".The mother says, "In my day it was £5".The grandmother says, "In my day we were just glad for the warm drink".
• A guy walks home after buying a cock-sucking frog. He walks into the kitchen, where his wife is doing the dishes, and plonks it on the table."What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" she screams."Teach it to cook and fuck off," he replies.
• Two sperms are having a race. One sperm says, "fuck me all this swimming is knackering me, how long till we reach the womb?"The second sperm says, "ferking long way to go yet mate - we"ve only just gone past her tonsils!"
• The next time your wife or girlfriend refuses to give you a blowjob, just remind her that it"s a lot easier for them to drink a spoonfull of milk than it is for you to lick a dead fish!!
• Teacher draws a penis on the board, then asks "Does any one know what this is?"Little johnny says, "My dad has two of them, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitter"s teeth".
• A woman comes home to find her husband blow drying his dick, She says "What the hell are you doing?" he answers "Heating up your dinner"
• A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week. Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn"t mind doing the confessions whilst he"s away. Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, "forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn."The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sexual desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman. "You must do five hail marys, and polish the church door brass."Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles.Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a blow-job. After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of sucking a mans cock in the handbook and wonders what to do. He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, "psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a blow-job?"Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, "a bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat."
• The BBC has received over 100 complaints about an episode of Eastenders which involved a 15 year old kissing her paedophile stepfather. Thankfully my young daughter didn"t see that controversial episode, she was too busy giving me head.
• A man goes in to his doctors surgery and asks, "Doctor, do you think I will live until I"m 100?"The doctor asks, "Do you drink, smoke or do drugs?" The man replies, "No". The doctor then asks, "Do you like to sleep around with women, and go out partying?" The man replies, "No, I don"t."The doctor then asks, "Well, why the fuck do you want to live until you"re 100 then?"
• A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won"t believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"His friend replies, "That"s great! Did you get a blowjob?""No, I never found the head."
• A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. The child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from? ""Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled. "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy"s vagina. That"s how you get a baby, honey."The daughter replies, "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy"s room you had daddy"s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?""Jewellery, dear."
• A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don"t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line."How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?"Fifteen bucks," came the reply."And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" he added."What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!"The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result.When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks" to which the businessman replied "ok" and off they went.As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
• A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?""Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn"t have to explain it to her daughter."But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won"t it knock all my teeth out?"
• My father has always said to me: "Son, you"re not a real man until you"ve made a girl gag on your cock whilst giving you head."Which is why I haven"t washed mine for months.
• A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "Line me up ten whiskies"So the barman lines them up and the man gulps them down one after another."Jeez" says the barman "What are you celebrating then?"."My first blow job" replies the man."Oh well" says the barman "for that I"ll buy you one myself.""No thanks" says the man "If ten don"t get rid of the taste, another one won"t help!"
• What is the definition of a "true friend"? Someone who goes out and gets two blowjobs, then returns to give you one.