Blonde jokes

• What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?When you slap the mosquito, it stops sucking.
• There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.
• What do you call a blonde with dyed brown hair?Artificial Intelligence
• What do you get when a naked blonde does a handstand?A brunette with bad breath.
• How do you keep a blonde busy for 24 hours?Scroll downScroll up
• What do you call a blonde with half a brain?Gifted...What do you call a blond with a whole brain?A golden retriever!!!
• What do a blond and a turtle have in common?When they are on their backs, they are fucked
• A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.""Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
• A blonde with two burnt ears goes to the doctor, who asks what has happened."The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron.""What about the other one?""They called back."
• After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn"t buy them a bigger bed and they weren"t strong enough to nick one.The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn"t want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don"t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.""Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford, anywhere in Scotland and most blondes
• A blonde decides to do something she"s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there"s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says "I just rented an adult movie from you and there"s nothing on the tape, but static"The clerk apologised about the defective video and asked, "which title did you rent?"The blonde replied, "it"s called Head Cleaner."
• A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees" well being, asked sympathetically, "What"s the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don"t you go home for the day.....we aren"t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."The blonde very calmly states, "No, I"d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need anything, justlet me know." Well, a few hours passed and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What"s so bad now........are you gonna be OK??" "No," exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mum died too!!"
• Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I"ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man"s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I"ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he"ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It"s just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she"ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister"s a blonde. She"ll read it slowly."
• A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can"t believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving."Excuse me do I know you?" he asks."Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Fucking hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?""No," she replies, "I"m your son"s English teacher!"
• One evening a priest was sitting on a pew at the front of his church, quietly praying to the Lord. A hot blonde suddenly came in and the priest asked her, "what can I do for you, my child?"The blonde immediately jumped on him and said, "I want you now! Take me!""I beg your pardon?" the priest exclaimed. "Fuck me now," she said, "fuck me hard up the ass!"The priest by now was sweating and trembling at the sight of the blonde lifting up her blouse revealing a pair of huge tits."But, my child, you are in the house of the Lord!" the priest desperately replied. "I don"t care, take this horny virgin now you sexy son of a bitch!" the blonde exclaimed finally. The priest, now shaking, sweating terribly and feeling himself go hard, turned towards the front of the church and, looking up to the Lord, he cried "Jesus Christ, help me - what should I do?""DON"T JUST STAND THERE YOU STUPID IDIOT, GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING CROSS!" he replied.
• A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he"s drinking.He says, "Magic beer. You want one?""Aw, that"s stupid. There"s no such thing" she says."Look, I"ll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window."That"s incredible! I don"t believe it!" she says."Hey barkeep, throw me another one o" them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again."Here, you try it" he says to the blonde.She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground - breaking both her legs - and begins screaming in pain.The bartender says, "Superman, you"re a real bastard when you"re drunk."
• A blonde and a brunette are talking in the office...Blonde: I"m not feeling very well... I have a sore throat.Brunette: When I have a sore throat, I give my husband a blow job... the next day, my throat is fine.Blonde: Hmmm... interesting.The next day...Brunette: How"s your throat?Blonde: Fine... your idea was great! Your husband couldn"t believe it was your idea!
• A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don"t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don"t know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde"s attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.The lawyer asks the first question. "What"s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The blonde doesn"t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it"s the blonde"s turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
• A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I"m the fucking goalie."
• A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.The next thing the guy knows, he"s in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 stunningly beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in £50 notes. Next, there"s a knock at the door, so he answers it!Standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb and hang him by the neck until dead.As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It"s the two blonde genies!One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish..... having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
• Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet £20,000 on a single roll of the dice.She said, "I hope you don"t mind, but I feel much luckier when I"m completely nude."With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed.. "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"The other answered, "I don"t know - I thought you were watching."MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
• We"ve got a stunning blonde started at our office and I heard rumours she wanted to give me one.Unfortunately, it was out of ten.
• There are three mums - a Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde. They were all talking one day and the brunette says, "Oh my gosh, I went through my daughter"s purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"They comfort her and the redhead says, "Yes, well I found a fake I. D. in my daughter"s purse. I cannot believe she has one." So they all comfort her.Then the blonde says, "That"s nothing, I found a condom in my daughter"s purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis."
• whats the difference between a blonde and a walrus? one has fishy flaps and whiskers and the other is a walrus
• what will hit the floor first a watermelon or a blonde? a watermelon blondes have to ask for directions.
• There's this tall blonde bird down the road. Bit of a liar. She said she sucked this dwarf bloke's cock! ...I reckon she's blowing things out of proportion.
• Why can't a blonde write 11? Because she doesn't know which of the 1's to put in the front.
• Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding and asks for her license. "What's that?" she asks, "It something that says you are legally allowed to drive, could I see you registration?" "What's that?" "it says you own this vehicle" He later is telling his fellow police officers how stupid this blonde was and they tell him next time you pull over a blonde for speeding, pull down your pants. Later he sees another blonde racing down the highway and he pulls her over and thinks what the hell. So he pulls down his pants and the blonde says, "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test again!"
• Blonde Shelly and Blonde Shaz were on the cruise ship Costa Concordia. Shelly said"Its awfully quiet on deck tonight" Shaz says "Everyone will be watching the band" Shelly says "There isnt a band playing tonight" Shaz says "I definitely heard some fucker say a band on ship"
• Shelly and Shaz (Blondes) got a job in a laboratory doing experiments on spiders. What they did was pull all the legs off the spiders place them on the table and shout them. As the spiders didnt come to them they came to a unanimous conclusion that when you pull all the legs off a spider it goes deaf!