Bloke jokes

• A bloke in my town got knifed outside Carpet Right last week.Police think it might be rug related.
• I went into B&Q yesterday. I went up to the counter and asked the bloke for some nails.He said, "how long do you want them?"I said, "I want to fucking keep "em."
• A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It"s disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He replied, "It"s got nothing to do with you, I"ve paid my fare for this journey and I"ll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can"t you see I"m trying to sleep?" "It"s got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I"ve paid my fare and I"ll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman"s knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you"ll get fined 200 pounds for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you"ll get six years when the police smell your fingers...."
• i once knew this bloke before he died,and i don"t think this bloke ever lied,cos he had a wife with a fanny so wide,that she was never fuckin" satisfied,so he made her a prick out of shining steel,two brass and a fucking great wheel,the brass balls he filled em" with cream,ant the whole fuckin issue was driven by steam,round and round went the fucking great wheel,in and out went the prick of steel,untill she cried "enough, i"m fuckin" satisfied",but now we come to the horrible bit,there was no way of stopping it,her arsehole to her fanny was split,and the whole fuckin" issue was covered in shit
• This old bloke goes into an old folks home because he keeps falling over and his son can"t keep his eye on him all the time. On his first day in the home, a female nurse comes along to give him a wash and she notices he has a slight erection. With that, she gives him a blow job.He gets straight on the phone to his son, telling him that he just got a gobble and what a wonderful place it was.The following, day he"s walking down a corridor and he falls over - suddenly, from behind, a male nurse gives him one up the arse.He gets straight on the phone to his son again and says "get me out of here, a male nurse just banged me up the arse."His son says, "look, dad, so you took one up the arse - you got a blow job yesterday, you have to take the rough with the smooth."The old bloke says, "fuck off, I get a hard on three times a year but I fall over three times a fucking day."
• This married couple have just been to a fancy dress party and they are dressed in a cow costume with the the bloke in the front and the woman in the back. They cross over a field and the woman hears running footsteps, then she shrieks "oh my god, its a bull coming, what shall we do?"The bloke says "I"m going to eat some grass...you better fuckin" brace yourself"
• This bloke gets into a lift and standing there was a stunning blonde. The blonde says, "T.G.I.F."The bloke replies, "S.H.I.T."So then the blonde again says, "T.G.I.F."The bloke again replies with, "S.H.I.T."When the lifts doors open and the bloke is about to get out, the blonde looks at him and says, "Thank God It"s Friday."The bloke looks up and says, "Sorry, Honey, It"s Thursday."
• A bloke walks into his local and says "A pint of anything except Stella." The barman asks "What"s wrong with Stella?" He complains "I had 15 pints last night and woke up fucking Skint!" The barman says "Well, i suppose 15 pints is gonna leave you a bit short." "Aye" says the man "But Skint is the name of my Jack Russel."
• A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hospital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises. "Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?""I"m driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!""You fucking nutbar, you"re not in a car, you"re in a mental hospital!"A voice comes from the bed opposite. "Mate, shut the fuck up will you, he"s giving me twenty quid a day to wash the cunt."
• A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "remember Leonardo Di Caprio."Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "remember Leonardo Di Caprio."Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "remember Leonardo Di Caprio."I thought, "that"s it, I"m going to the Police."I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.I said, "yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
• I was at Spurs last week. The bloke next to me called me a cunt.I was going to punch his lights out. But I couldn"t be bothered walking round the pitch.