Bitch jokes

• What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, the bitch has already been told twice.
• A slut is a woman who sleeps with everyone.A bitch is a woman who sleeps with everyone but you.
• Things have not being going too well at home recently.I arrived home today to see my wife had left me a suicide note. The bitch left a space for me to fill my name in.
• Scientists have found a cure for Mad Cow Disease:A box of chocolates and a dozen roses.
• What do you call a black bitch with four dogs?The Spice Girls
• We are always told we should look after and keep an eye on our old neighbours. Why the fuck should we? My 87 year old neighbour is such a lazy bitch, she hasn"t even taken her newspapers in for two weeks.
• Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I sent her my ironing, that"ll keep the bitch busy.
• Not a joke but a good read…The first part is a girl"s email apology to her boyfriend for cheating. The second is his hilarious reply... Brad, It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won"t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can"t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn"t crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can"t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don"t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn"t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can"t imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn"t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry. Elizabeth RESPONSE: Dear Elizabeth, Thank you for your concern. I"ll be sure to file it away under "L! " for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn"t care less about". You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you"re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn"t as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I"m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn"t fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn"t care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I"m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else"s feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don"t think you"re a terrible person, they just think you"re the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know. PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people. Talk to you never, Brad
• I slept with one of those "high class" prostitutes the other week. I"m not happy though, the bitch gave me lobsters.
• What"s the difference between Heather Mills and your car?You don"t burst out laughing whenever your car has a breakdown.
• Skimpy black dress: £60Sparkly shoes: £80Expensive make-up: £45Nightclub ticket: £10Seeing the look on her face as she wakes up in a filthy flat, covered in semen, you next to her with a massive grin on your face - priceless.There are some things money can"t buy - in which case, use ROHYPNOL.
• My girlfriend snores really loudly. Apparently she had her nose broken when she was younger.But it didn"t teach her, she still snores very loudly.
• What"s Karen Matthews favourite contraceptive?Her Face.
• I got lucky with this really hot girl last night. I"ve been after her for a while.Caught the dumb bitch when she took a shortcut through the park.
• A girl was in class on the computer and the server was slow so she banged the mouse up and down shouting "Come on Bitch" then the teacher said "stop that how would you like it if i banged u up and down on the table shouting come on bitch