Birthday jokes

• Went to a bulimic birthday party today. I saw a cake pop out of a girl.
• What did Madeleine McCann ask for for her 4th birthday?Better parents.
• I once went 12 years without any sex, drugs or alcohol......my GOD, my dad knows how to throw a good 13th birthday party!
• A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin"?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he"s been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He"s on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he"d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She"s in the Ladies" Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave"s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
• A man walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm."Do you sell fishcakes?" he asks."Of course," says the fishmonger."Oh good," says the man,"it"s his birthday!"
• It"s my mate"s birthday today. He doesn"t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus.We"ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
• A little girl runs to her father on her birthday and says, "Daddy, Daddy, guess how old I am today."Humouring her he says, "I don"t know, honey, how old are you?"She replies, "I"m SIX!""That"s great! Go tell your uncle," he tells her.The girl runs into her uncle"s room and again shouts, "Uncie, Uncie, guess how old I am today."He says "Ok, take off your knickers and I"ll tell you."She does so and the uncle sticks his fingers in her, sniffs them, and says, "You"re six today."She asks him, "How did you know that?"He replies, "I heard you talking to your dad."
• My gran always gets me socks for my birthday and Christmas.She says, "You can never have too many socks, my love".You can if you"re Heather Mills.
• My mother"s a gullible old dear, so when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I wrote out a list.She spent hours at the shopping centre trying to find an air guitar, and a fanny magnet.But she wasn"t fooled at all by my request for the book; "French Military Victories."
• It"s my birthday today! My wife said she"s gonna make it my most special birthday ever.I wonder where she"s going?
• Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I"m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn"t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife"s birthday, I"m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn"t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I"m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn"t like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"
• I was out until six this morning celebrating my wife"s birthday.She was fucking livid when I got home!