Birth jokes

• What did I get last time I tried my luck with a girl in a nightclub?Nine months and my name on a register.
• Why do doctors slap new born babies arses at birth?To make the dicks fall off the stupid ones.
• What do female Muslims use for birth control?Their faces.
• If a stork delivers a white babyand a crow delivers a black baby,what delivers no baby?A swallow.
• A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms. "Congratulations," she says. "It"s a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin. "My baby!" screams the mother. "Don"t worry, I"ll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby"s face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window. "What are you doing?!" yells the mother. "April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"
• My wife gave birth to a baby boy last week.I was pretty disappointed because I was hoping for a girl.I mean, I"m not really into gay stuff.
• This bloke is pacing up and down at home while his wife is in hospital giving birth. The phone rings and the bloke answers."This is the hospital, sir, your wife has given birth to twins. However, there are more on the way."The bloke puts the phone down and takes a large swig of vodka. The phone rings again. "This is the hospital, your wife has had another little boy, and there are still more on the way."The bloke drinks the whole bottle of vodka - by now he is totally wankered. He picks up the phone to ring the hospital to find out if she"s had any more babies but, by mistake, he rings lords cricket ground.When the phone is answered, he asks, "what"s the latest?"And the person on the line says, "97 all out, and the last one was a duck!"
• An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys."There"s just one problem," she says. "Because they were all born at the same time, we got the tags mixed up and we don"t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definitely my baby," he says confidently."Um, excuse me," says the West Indian, "but I think it"s fairly obvious that this is my son."The Englishman pulls him aside and says, "I see where you"re coming from, mate, but one of these babies is Welsh and I"m not prepared to take the risk."
• Paddys" wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?"To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus we"re both over the fucking moon"
• I used to think i was trapped in a woman"s body...Then I was born
• I have been using Viagra for over a year now and I am pleased to announce the birth of my first child, a boy, born yesterday.I"m amazed, he can already stand up....