Bird jokes

• I went out on the piss last night and pulled a georgeous bird.We made love several times before falling asleep in each others arms.When I woke up though I had the shock of my life.She had put on 5 stone during the night.
• I awoke early one morningThe Earth lay cool and stillWhen suddenly a tiny birdPerched on my windowsillHe sang a song so lovelySo carefree and so gayThat slowly all my troublesBegan to slip awayHe sang of far off placesOf laughter and of funIt seemed his very trillingBrought up the morning sunI stirred beneath the coversCrept slowly out of bedGently shut the windowAnd crushed his fucking head!I am NOT a morning person!!
• I fucked this tasty bird at a party yesterday.I was going for seconds but her mum called her. To come and blow her candles out.
• What do you call a female peacock?A peacunt.
• I shagged a black bird the other day.Now the RSPCA are after me.
• I swept this bird off her feet today.Roundhouse kick to the tits usually does it.
• The mating call of a Robin:"Tweet tweet chirrup."The mating call of an Owl:"A twit to woo. A twit to woo."The mating call of a Blackbird:"Ohh, stick it up my ass Leroy!"
• Skimpy black dress: £60Sparkly shoes: £80Expensive make-up: £45Nightclub ticket: £10Seeing the look on her face as she wakes up in a filthy flat, covered in semen, you next to her with a massive grin on your face - priceless.There are some things money can"t buy - in which case, use ROHYPNOL.
• There really is no pleasing some women.I recently put up a bird table. My wife went fuckin mad...I don"t know why... i gave her 6 out of 10, which is more than fair..
• I showed this bird my dick the other night. She said, "that"s small, I thought you said you had at least a foot."I said, "no, I said I had athlete"s foot!"
• I met this bird last night who was a right ugly fucker, I said "What"s your name?""Tuesday" she replied.I said, "that"s a strange name."She said, "yeah, when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said, "I think we"d better call it a day.""
• My mate Steve always says, "Once you go black, you don"t go back." So I finally took his advice last night, and shagged a black bird.Have to say, I really enjoyed it once I figured out how to stop it pecking at my testicles.
• A man walked into a pub with a sweating Ostrich under one arm and a sopping wet cat under the other and sat down at the bar."What can I get you?" asked the landlord."Pint of best bitter for me", said the man."Stella", said the Ostrich, fanning itself with a beer mat. "Is it me, or is it hot in here?""Pint of Guinness and I"m not buying." snarled the cat, shaking the water off it"s back."OK, that"ll be six pound twenty, please guv." said the landlord.The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him.Fifteen minutes later the landlord noticed their glasses were empty and asked, "Same again, guv?""No" said the man, "I think I"ll have a stella","And your, er - pets?""Pint of Stella", said the Ostrich. "And make sure it"s ice-cold. It"s roasting in here.""I"ll have a Pint of Guinness and I"m not fucking paying." said the cat. "And get me a towel, I"m soaking."The landlord complied and said: "That"ll be seven pound ten pence, please, guv."The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him.An hour later their glasses were empty again and the landlord walked over to them and asked:"What"ll you have?""I"ll have a vodka tonic", said the man."Double brandy on the rocks", said the Ostrich. "And make sure there"s plenty of ice in it. I"m burning up!""Pint of Guinness and I"m still not paying." said the cat. "And get me another towel, this one"s wringing wet!"The landlord complied and said: "OK. That"ll be nine pound twenty, please."The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him.By now the landlord"s curiosity had got the better of him and he asked:"Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?""I found this bottle on holiday in Turkey with a genie in it and she granted me three wishes."The landlord was intrigued. "May I ask what they were?""Certainly", replied the man. "My first wish was that I would always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I wanted to buy.""That"s a pretty clever wish. What were your other two wishes?""That"s where I blew it. I asked for a really hot bird with long legs and a tight, wet pussy."