Bible jokes

• Why is the bible like a penis?You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
• I think my librarians an atheist, she put the bible in the fiction section.
• Jesus told us to love everybody.He never said it had to be consensual.
• I got kicked out of Borders once for moving all the Bibles to the fiction section.
• A man and wife were having argument about who should make the pot of tea in the morning.The wife told him that he should do it because he gets up first.The husband said that she was in charge of the cooking in the house, making it her job.The wife said that even the Bible says that the man should do it.The husband told her to show him and if it did he would make it.She fetched the bible and opened up the new testament, showing him at the top of several pages that said "Hebrews"
• A clergyman was staying overnight in a hotel.Before he went to sleep for the night, he had a read of the Bible.He was awoken next morning by the maid, with a cup of tea.He said to the maid, "fancy a quick shag my dear?"The maid said, "but you"re a man of the cloth, that can"t be right!"He said, "it"s all right dear, it says so in the Bible!"She hopped into bed with the reverend gentleman and they did a bit of horizontal jogging.When it was over, the maid got out of the bed and said, "I"d like you to show me the passage in the Bible, where it says it"s alright".The vicar opened the bedside table drawer, took out the Gideon s Bible and opened the cover.Someone had written in there, "ask the maid if she fancies a shag, she usually does!"
• Why does the bible rant on about how wrong incest and homosexuality are?With Adam and Eve dumped in the garden of Eden with just two sons, they weren"t exactly left with many options, were they?
• Don"t bother reading that Bible book.......he dies in the end!
• What"s the difference between Christians and former Christians?Former Christians have read the bible.
• The bible says "do unto others as you would have them do to you."So is this God saying that I should grope my hot neighbour?
• THE HOLY BIBLE:A book in which, in the first chapter, an all-powerful, all-seeing and all-knowing God creates Mankind in His own image, then spends the remaining sixty-five chapters marking out things that Mankind isn"t allowed to do, see or know.