Deprecated: mysql_pconnect(): The mysql extension is deprecated and will be removed in the future: use mysqli or PDO instead in /home/gordondent/hahasincludes/libs/dblib.php on line 17 Bestiality jokes - HaHas.co.uk | Ha HA Jokes
My girlfriend told me that she wanted me to pound her pussy, really, really hard. I obliged, gladly.Then she fucking moaned and cried when Fluffy died.
How does a Welshman make a u-turn?By winking at her.
I got really drunk the other night and ended up fucking this right ugly dog in the middle of the street. To make it even worse, some cunt reported me to the RSPCA.
Marys lamb had foot and mouthHer cow had B.S.E.But Mary was a kinky slutAnd gave them H.I.V.
Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience. It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession. The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?" "A female, of course," shouted Farmer Brown!. "What do you think I am...some sort of queer?"
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black -- were sitting in the waiting room at the vet"s office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why the fucking hell are you here"The brown lab replied, "I"m a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner"s bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?""Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"The yellow lab said, "I"m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I"m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner"s couch.""So what a re they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired."Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet"s office?""I"m a humper," the black lab said. "I"ll hump anything. I"ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn"t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?""No," said the black lab, "I"m here to get my nails clipped."
This bloke is wanting to breed sheep but the only male one he has is gay, as sheep are so rare in his area he decides to try and impregnate them himself by taking them to the woods and shagging them all one by one.A local farmer explains to him that he will know his sheep are pregnant once they stop walking around and lay down.The next day the bloke bundles the sheep back into the landrover and again takes them to the forest and shags them all again, this timehe"s knackered and as soon as he gets home he falls straight into bed. When he wakes up the next day he dives straight for the window to see if the sheep are lying down....to his dismay they arent so again he puts the sheep in the car and heads off to the forest. This time he shags them all twice for good luck.When he gets home he is once again knackered so goes straight to bed, in the morning he asks his wife to look out the window and see what the sheep are doing,"That"s amazing!" she says."What are they all laying down?" he asks."No they"re all in the landrover and one of them is papping the horn!"
What"s the best way to give your dog a bone?Tickle his balls.
George devoted his entire life to the small Greek village in which he lived and, at 93 and on his death-bed, was soon to die in. He motioned to his great grandson to whisper his final words...."Stavros", he said faintly, "You know the only bridge that leads into our tiny village? Well I designed, funded and built it, but they don"t call me "George the Bridge Builder""."You know the town hospital? I designed and built that too, but they don"t call me "George the Hospital Builder""."And the only church in town.... I built that too, and they don"t call me "George the Church Builder", but you get caught fucking just one goat......."
A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep."Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in."The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question."Ah, we"re with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and fuck it from behind."Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it."Well it"s bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that."The Student replies "Why don"t you fuck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?""Fuck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?"
I got really pissed last night and ended up snogging my best friend.Jeez, I was so embarassed about it this morning - I couldn"t even bear to take him out for walk.
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he"d first had sex."It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled."That sounds wonderful," said Jed."Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.""Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?""Baaaaa..."