Beer jokes

• My girlfriend said she wanted to make me happy in the bedroom.So now the bedroom has Sky Sports, a fridge full of beer and she sleeps on the couch.
• An insect falls into a mug of beerEnglishman: Throws his mug away and walks outAmerican : Takes the insect out and drinks the beerChinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer awayIndian : Sells the beer to the American, the insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himselfPakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. The Paki then moves to England and claims benefits.
• Financial Advice in these dark times.If you had purchased $1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago, it would now be worth $4.95.With HBOS, earlier this week, your $1000 would have been worth $16.50. $1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than $5. But if you bought $1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminum recycling plant, you would get $214. So, based on the above statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
• Why is American beer served cold?So you can tell it from urine.
• How many Muslims can you fit on a Boeing 747 ?Who cares - when they get out of the fucking country we can have a beer to celebrate
• What do you call a Muslim desperate for a drink?Allah Vabeer
• My Dad used to collect empty beer bottles; which is a nicer way to say he was an alcoholic.
• A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It"s gonna start!"This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It"s gonna start any second!""That"s it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don"t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don"t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It"s started."
• Apparently scientists have found female hormones in beer.It"s true: After 6 pints you talk shite and can"t drive.
• A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I"m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain"t back outside by the time I finish, I"m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don"t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
• I see the government has announced they"re gonna put warnings on ciggies and alcohol in picture form...The fags are gonna have pictures of cancerous lungs, and the beer"s gonna have pictures of fat birds.
• A man goes in to his doctors surgery and asks, "Doctor, do you think I will live until I"m 100?"The doctor asks, "Do you drink, smoke or do drugs?" The man replies, "No". The doctor then asks, "Do you like to sleep around with women, and go out partying?" The man replies, "No, I don"t."The doctor then asks, "Well, why the fuck do you want to live until you"re 100 then?"
• Non-alcoholic beer is like licking your sister"s twat, it tastes the same but it just ain"t right.
• It"s now official, beer is cheaper than fuel.So this summer: "Drink, Don"t Drive"