Bed jokes

• My sexual dream came true last night when I fucked a mother and daughter in my bed. It was incredible but, on the downside, my wife and daughter are not speaking to me now.
• What is soft and warm when you go to bed but hard and stiff when you get up?Vomit
• Snow White always goes to bed at night feeling Sleepy. Apparantly the other 6 dwarfs are really jealous.
• A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.- 83% said it was to go home.
• A consultant surgeon asks his colleague, "Have you informed the Paki in bed 9 he only had a week to live?""Yes." he replies"Oh you cunt! I wanted to tell him!"
• This VW Bug pulled up beside this Rolls at a red light, rolled down his window and asked the Rolls driver, "You got a telephone in that Rolls?" "Matter of fact I do, right here on the seat beside me." said the Rolls driver. "Me too," said the VW Driver, "You got a TV in that Rolls?" The Rolls, "Yes I do, right here on the dash." "Me too," said the VW, "You got a twin bed in the back seat?" Rolls, "No, I do not." "I do" said the VW as the light turns green and he takes off. The Rolls manages to get the license number. The Rolls heads straight to the Auto Accessory Store not to let the VW Bug out do him. "Yes" the accessory attendant said, "We do carry and can install a twin bed in the rear seat of your Rolls." So, after about a week the Rolls driver picked up his Rolls with the newly installed twin bed and immediately set out to locate that VW Bug. He finally located it parked in the park near the river. As he pulled up beside it he noted that the windows were all fogged over. Knowing what causes this he waited a few minutes. Finally he got out, walked over to the VW, knocked on the window, no response. He waited another few minutes, knocked on the window again. The window lowered a couple inches and the driver said, "Yes?" The Rolls driver said, "I wanted you to know that I have a twin bed in the back seat of my Rolls now." The VW frowns and says, "You get me out of the shower just to tell me that?"
• A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He"s so horny and keen to try out his new "system" that he doesn"t think twice and leaps on board.After a few minutes "slap and tickle", they find themselves in the "69" position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor"s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shat on my face, bit three inches off my dick and my neighbour came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
• What"s the worst thing about being a paedophile?Having to go to bed so early!
• How do you know when it"s bedtime in Michael Jackson"s house?When the big hand touches the little hand.
• What"s the worst thing about being a paedophile?Having to go to bed at 7pm.
• Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not! Woman: Why not -- don"t you like being married? Man: Of course I do. Woman: Then why wouldn"t you remarry? Man: Okay, I"d get married again. Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face) Man: (audible groan) Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed? Man: Where else would we sleep? Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do. Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs? Man: No... she"s left-handed.
• My wife says that I"m misogynistic: I don"t know what it means. So I"ve told her that, when she brings me the newspapers and my breakfast in bed in the morning, to fetch me a dictionary as well.
• Why did police find Shannon Matthews underneath the bed?"cause that"s where monsters live.
• How do you make a bed laugh? tikle its knob.