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How do you make a bear cross?Nail two of them together.
Bi-Polar...A sexually curious bear.
What does Hiroshima in Japan and Khartoum in the Sudan have in common?Nothing...yet
What have a teddy bear and the prophet Mohammed both got in common?.....They both sleep with kids.
Gillian Gibbons has said that her original 15 day prison sentence seemed harsh at the time, but to be released and deported to Liverpool was "Totally fucking undeserved!".
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn"t like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn"t often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit"s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr.Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.
A woman meets a guy in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she noticed that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall.It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put in to organizing the display.There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy bears, but doesn"t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe this guy could be the one! Could he be the future father of my children?"She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss; the passion builds; and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other"s clothes and make hot, steamy love.She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,they lie there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
A man goes into a gun shop and buys a rifle to go bear hunting. Five minutes into the woods, he spots a huge grizzly, takes aim and fires… and when the smoke clears, bear is gone. As he"s puzzling over this, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there, towering over him, is the bear."Well, you took your best shot and missed, so now I"m going to eat you!"The man begs and pleads not to be killed, and the bear thinks about it and says, "I suppose I COULD let you live… if you give me a blow job."So the man does the horrible deed and goes back to the gun shop the following day, walking out with an AK-47. He goes back to the woods, sees the same bear, takes aim and empties the whole clip. The smoke clears, and the bear is gone again. Then there"s a tap on the shoulder…"Okay, twice is too much. You missed again, so I"m REALLY going to eat you now."Once again, the man begs and pleads and, after some thought, the bear relinquishes - except that this time the man has to let the bear take him roughly up the arse.Back to the shop and this time he walks out with the biggest thing they"ve got - an ex-Soviet Army rocket launcher. He returns to the forest, spots the bear, fires up the scope and fires. There"s a huge explosion and, when the smoke clears, no bear - just a smoking crater. Grinning with satisfaction, he starts to lower the weapon……and then there"s a tap on the shoulder.With one hand on his hip, the bear cocks his head and says, "You"re not really here for the hunting, are you?"
It is lucky that the Islamic teddy bear wasn"t called Max Factor as that guarantees longer lashes.
I went into a chemist yesterday and said to the bloke behind the counter, "excuse me, do you have cotton wool balls?"He said, "what do you think I am, a fuckin" teddy bear?"
A koala bear wandered into a whorehouse and found a sleeping prostitute. The bear crawled up on her and started licking her privates.The woman woke up and was a little freaked out to see a bear licking her, but she decided it felt pretty good and she let the bear continue.The koala kept going and eventually mounted the prostitute, has a great old time, and then walked toward the door. The prostitute got up and shouted at the bear, "Hey, you have to pay for that!"The koala shrugged."No, you don"t understand." she said to the bear, "I"m a pro-sti-tute. PRO-STI-TUTE. I get paid for having sex!" The koala stared blankly."Look, right here." The prostitute grabbed a dictionary and showed the koala the definition. "Says right here, "Prostitute: One who is paid for sexual services."The koala looked at the book, then flipped the pages back to "Koala" and showed her the definition:"Australian marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."
Why does Rupert The Bear wear tartan trousers?Because he"s a cunt.