Beach jokes

• What do you call Jade Goody with her family and friends relaxing on a beach in Cuba?Bay of Pigs.
• Little Daljit lost all of his family in the flooding in Bangladesh.On the plus side, he does not have to walk so far to the beach anymore.
• Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do."The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?
• It"s that time of year again. The sun"s out and all the hotties are down the beach.I love the school holidays.
• This guy is sunbathing naked on the beach with just his cap over his dick when a women passed by and said "If you were a gentleman you"d lift your hat to a lady".He replied "If you wasn"t so fucking ugly it would lift itself".
• Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach, couldn"t seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it"s obvious," says the lifeguard, "You"re wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They"re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside "em. I"m tellin" ya mate...you"ll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What"s wrong now?" "JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "Mate, the potato goes in front!"
• A couple were having friends round for dinner and decided to go for a French evening, with snails etc.The man got the shopping list and volunteered to do the shopping, while his wife tidied up.On the way back from the shops he bumped into an old pal and they went for a pint or five.Half pissed and an hour and a half late, he staggers up to the garden gate.He quickly gets the bag of snails out, lines them up on the path and rings the bell.Before his wife can even think about moaning, the man looks at the snails and says....."Come on you little fuckers, get a move on, we"re never going to get ready at this fucking rate!"
• Apparently the head found on the beach in Arbroath had been battered.They"ll fry anything in fucking Scotland.
• Two parents take their son on a holiday and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mum and says "Mummy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"The mum says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mummy, I saw men with willies a lot bigger than Daddy"s!" The mum says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mummy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
• Two gays are on the beach. One says: "Shall I put the brolly up?" The other one replies: "Yes, but don"t open it for fucks sake!"