Bastard jokes

• I work for the Samaritans. I tried to call in sick this morning but the fuckers talked me out of it.
• First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
• Schizophrenia beats being alone.
• I rang the local ramblers club yesterday.The bloke at the other end went on and on and on .
• Anyone who makes a generalization is a cunt.
• When does a black man become a nigger.As soon as he shuts the door behind him.
• Joey Barton has just been appointed the manager of Newcastle United.He says he wants to make a serious assault on the Premiership.
• The government really are sneaky bastards. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you have to drink more.
• What upsets a Muslim more than insulting his prophet? His sister refusing him sex.
• Why did the Paki cross the road?I fired a warning shot.
• WARNING.The Americans are now awake and eating breakfast.....so you only have another 3 hours to post any really good jokes.
• I bumped into a Romanian magician in the street the other day.The bastard made my wallet disappear.
• I went home from work early today and found the plumber shagging my dog.I phoned the police and they said there was nothing they could do.They said the bastard was Corgi Registered.
• I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit.A minute later, some guy did exactly the same.I said to him, "I just did that."So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.
• I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn"t tolerated at the Labour party conference.
• A man walks into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says, "You"ve got one minute to get out of here before the place blows!"A tortoise in the back shouts, "You bastard!"
• Be proud to be British.We know exactly where every untaxed car is located among the millions of car owners in the UK, but we haven"t got a fucking clue where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.Maybe Gordon Brown should put the fucking DVLA in charge of immigration.
• My boss really is a bastard. He calls me in to his office and says, "You know, I really don"t know how we would cope without you..." and just as I get my hopes up he continues, "...but starting Monday we"re going to try."
• A son from a poor family wins five million pounds on the lottery. He goes home and gives his dad five hundred quid.The old man looks at the cash and says, "thanks, son, this money will mean a lot to me. We"ve never had much in this family, we"ve always been poor. You know, I couldn"t even afford to marry your mother.""What!" exclaims the son, "you mean I"m.......well.......a bastard?""Yep," replies his dad, "and a fucking tight one, too."
• A woman gets into a taxi with her 8 year old kid.The driver takes them through a red light district.The kid asks his Mum, "Why are all those ladies standing shivering in the street?"Blushing, his mum replies, "They"re all waiting for taxis to take them to a party."Abdul the driver chips in, "Tell the kid the truth lady: they"re all drug crazed hookers who get down for a dog if the price is right."The kid asks his Mum, "Do these ladies have children?"The Mum replies, "Yes dear, they grow up to be taxi drivers."
• Tiger Woods has said sorry for his remark that, "He played like a spaz" in the US Open.A spokesman for the Spastics Society said, "We all make mistakes. Even I once walked out of Tesco"s without paying for a newspaper that was in the bottom of the trolley and I said to Tiger, "I thought that I had behaved like a thieving black bastard."
• I got arrested for kicking the shit out of some fat bastard last week. It turns out Fat Fighters isn"t quite what I thought it was.
• You know who I can"t stand? Intolerant people. The fucking bastards.
• I just heard that they"re talking about making sniffer dogs wear rubber-soled boots when they go into a property owned by Muslims so as not to cause offence.Well, this is the culture that wipes their arse with their bare hands and considers dogs unclean.And besides, if sniffer dogs are going in there anyway, what"s to say that what you"ve hidden isn"t unholy or unclean?Bastards, the lot of them.