Barman jokes

• Woman walks into the bar and asks the barman for an innuendo...... So he gave her one.
• How do you know when the barman is really pissed off with you?You find a string in your bloody mary!!
• A Paki went into a bar and asked, "could you recommend your finest port?""Yes," said the barman. "Dover, now fuck off."
• A man walks into a pub does a triple back flip onto a chair then cartwheels over to the bar and orders a pint of bitter.A guy standing at the bar says to the barman " Wow that was unusual "Barman replies " I thought that too, he usually drinks lager ! "
• One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.The man says, "Oh, just a beer."The bartender asked the man, "What"s wrong, why are you so down today?"The man said, "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn"t talk to me for a month."The bartender said, "So, what"s wrong with that?"The man said, "Well, the month is up tonight."
• A man rushes into a pub and orders a double-brandy.While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: "Do penguins grow this tall?""Sure..." The barman replies.The man raises his hand up to his hip: "How about this tall?""Well, maybe a king penguin, but I"m not sure..."The man hold his hand at shoulder level: "This tall?""Not a chance."The man knocks back his drink and says: "Then I just ran over a nun."
• Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whiskey please."The barman says "Bells alright?"Quasi replies "Mind your own fucking business."
• A bloke walks into his local and says "A pint of anything except Stella." The barman asks "What"s wrong with Stella?" He complains "I had 15 pints last night and woke up fucking Skint!" The barman says "Well, i suppose 15 pints is gonna leave you a bit short." "Aye" says the man "But Skint is the name of my Jack Russel."
• A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat"s music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he"s not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he"s not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money."Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don"t worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat"s a ventriloquist."
• Man walks into a bar and asks for an inch of lager in a pint glass, topped up with water. Barman says "Thats an unusual drink sir". Man replies "If you had what I"ve got that"s what you would be drinking too. "Oh dear, what have you got" enquires the barman. "Eleven Pence" Replies the man