Bar jokes

• Things are picking up in Burma.My mate owns a bar over there. He reckons his customers are starting to drift back in......
• A Muslim walks into a bar.No-one survived the blast.
• I met my wife at a Singles Bar. Funny thing is, I thought she was at home looking after the kids.
• A Paki went into a bar and asked, "could you recommend your finest port?""Yes," said the barman. "Dover, now fuck off."
• A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "what"s your IQ?" The man replied, "140."So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research. The man listened intently and thought, "this is absolutely great." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "what"s your IQ?" The man responded, "120."So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.The man thought to himself, "wow, this is fantastic." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "what"s your IQ?" The man replied, "65."The robot then said, "so, how are things in America these days?"
• A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless.Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"Scouser: "Dunno, something about a "job"."
• A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"Barman says: "No"Duck says: "Got any Bread?"Barman says: "No"Duck says: "Got any Bread?"Barman says: "No, we have no bread."Duck says: "Got any bread"Barman says: "No, we haven"t got any fucking bread."Duck says: "Got any bread?"Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven"t got any fucking bread. Ask me again and I"ll nail your fucking beak to the bar, you irritating bastard bird!"Duck says: "Got any nails?"Barman says: "No."Duck says: "Got any bread?"
• This scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.After about 5 or 6 whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal antlers on the wall with.He asks the barman "What the fuck is that?"The barman says "It"s a Moose"The scottish chap says "Fuck me! How big are the cats!?
• A police officer is parked outside a bar one night when he sees a drunk man stumble out the door. The man staggers through the parking lot and falls down. He tries his keys in five different cars before getting in and driving off. The cop immediately pulls him over and makes the man take a breathalyser test. The man blows a 0.0."This thing must be broken," the cop says.The man responds, "nope, tonight I"m the designated decoy!"
• A horse walks into a bar,The barman asks, "why the long face?"To which the horse replies, "I"ve got AIDS."
• Two builders go into the pub after a hard day"s work. They"re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living."I"ll bet he"s an accountant." said the first builder."Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I"m a logical scientist.""A what?" asked the builder."Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens.""Well then it"s logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?""A pond" the builder replied."Well then it"s logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it"s logical to assume you have a large house.""I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly."Given that you have such a large house, it"s logical to assume that you are married..." The builder nodded again, "Yes, I"m married and we have three children." "Then it"s logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it"s logical to assume you don"t masturbate often.""Never!" the builder exclaimed."Well there you have it" the man explained, "That"s logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I"ve discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!" The builder left, very impressed by the man"s talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?""Yeah," replied the first, "He"s a logical scientist.""A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?""No" replied his mate."Well, you"re a wanker then!"
• A man walks into a bar, approaches the barkeeper and asks for thirteen shots of their best whiskey. The barkeep obliges and sure enough, the man is given the shots. He then proceeds to down them like a champ, just smashing them one after another. The man is onto perhaps his tenth shot glass when the barkeeper pips in "Hey, slow down buddy! Are you trying to kill yourself?". The man simply looks up at the barkeeper and replies "Mate, if you had what I've got, you'd be drinking like this too". Concerned and his interest piqued, the barkeeper asks the man, "Well, whats wrong? What have you got?" The man looks up again and replies "A dollar"
• So there's these three strings and they walk into a bar. The first one goes up to the bartender and goes, "Hi mate, I'll have a pint of Fosters, and, uh, some cheese and onion crisps please." The bartender goes, "Ha, no chance mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here." So the first string leaves, dejected. The second string walks in and thinks, if he asks nicely, he'll get served. So he goes up to the bar and goes, "Hey mate, we're only in here for one, so please, can we just get a couple pints of Fosters, some pork scratchings, and we'll sit and not cause any trouble, we promise." The bartender shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry, it's company policy, we do not serve pieces of string here, get out." So the second piece of string leaves. The third piece of string, seeing this, sneaks into the pub toilet. He ruffles up his hair and ties himself up. He goes to the bar and goes, "Pint of Fosters please mate." The bartender eyes him with suspicion. "'Ere, aren't you a piece of string?" And the piece of string goes, "No, I'm a frayed knot."