Deprecated: mysql_pconnect(): The mysql extension is deprecated and will be removed in the future: use mysqli or PDO instead in /home/gordondent/hahasincludes/libs/dblib.php on line 17 Balls jokes - HaHas.co.uk | Ha HA Jokes
Why do midgets laugh when they run?Because the grass tickles their balls
True Story - Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was wearing shorts,his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back in place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The RAC mechanic, however had to have 3 stitches in his forehead.
It takes balls to be a transvestite.
Job InterviewA chap goes to the Council for a job. The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?" Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years." The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ." The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? " "This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........."
What did the vet say to the dog who kept licking his balls? "Thanks"
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side-effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones youíve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that youíre giving me too much. Iíve started growing hair in places that Iíve never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."
A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?" He says: "No, but I"ve got dangling balls on a 9 inch.""That"s not a record is it?""It is for a 10 year old."
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn"t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men"s clothing store & thought, "That"s what I need - a new suit."He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I"d like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let"s see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That"s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let"s see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That"s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe"s feet and said, "Let"s see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That"s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe"s waist and said, "Let"s see... size 36."Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I"ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can"t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I"m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?""Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.""Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn"t keep her eyes off him during the meal.Remembering the old man"s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn"t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that"s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that"s the best the old man can do then I don"t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I"m not bein too forward, I"d luv to "ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my "ouse, we could "ave a lorra fun."So they went back to her place and got comfortable.After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I"m shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You"ll have to.......""I know Sean. Yer want me to "old onto yer bat "n balls again. No problem hun."Cilla complies with the routine.The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.Once it"s all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis "oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet."
What is the definition of indefinitely?Well, when your balls are slapping against the back of her arse, I"d say you"re in definitely
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.Little Johnny"s eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I"m not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"