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I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the fuck happened on the ninth of November anyway?
People keep saying that Americans are stupid, but I disagree. Anyone that builds a city 10 metres below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fills it with niggers is a fucking genius!
ACTUAL QUOTE ON AMERICAN FORUM"is there any kind of, like, video rental store but for books? it would make things a lot cheaper, plus once one person had read one the next person could get enjoyment from it"fucking scary!
An Australian ends up next to a British soldier in the trenches during World War II.The British soldier turns to him and says, "good to see you, mate, have you come here to die?"To which the Australian replies, "no, mate, I came here yesterday!"
How do you tell the difference between an Australian and a New Zealander?Ask them both "Have you ever fucked a 12-year-old?"The Kiwi will answer "Eugh, course not. That"s disgusting mate".Whereas the Aussie will have a puzzled look on his face and answer: "Depends, a 12-year-old what?"
An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In South Afrika we have so many diamonds that we don"t need to wear the same diamond twice." The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Well mate, in New Zealand we have so much sand to make the glass that we don"t need to drink out of the same cup twice ay."The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi.
An Australian backpacker walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager from the barmaid. She recognises his accent and they begin chatting. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place for sex. Although she is attracted to him, she declines. He then offers her two hundred quid. The waitress is also travelling the world and is short of funds, so she agrees.The next night he returns and orders another lager. Later in the evening, he offers her another two hundred quid for her services. She is only too happy to agree. This goes on for five nights.On the sixth night, the traveller comes in, orders a lager and sits in the corner. Hoping to earn more cash in another night of passion, the waitress pulls up a seat, and asks him where"s he"s from."Melbourne," the traveller replies."So am I! What suburb in Melbourne?" she asks."Glen Iris," he replies."That"s amazing," she says, "so am I! What street?""Cameo Street, he replies."This is unbelievable," she says. "What number?""Number 20.""You are not going to believe this but I"m from number 22 and my parents still live there!""I know," the man replies. "Your father gave me a thousand pounds to give to you."
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer? Pose the following question: You"re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? UK POLICE OFFICER"S ANSWERWell, that"s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he"d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 999?Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed days and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself? If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home? AUSTRALIAN OFFICER"S ANSWERBANG!AMERICAN OFFICER"S ANSWERBANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
Q. What"s an Australian"s idea of foreplay?A. You awake?Q. What"s a Tasmanian"s idea of foreplay?A. You awake, sis"?
Why do so many Australian men divorce their wives?They like to know there"s a ball and chain they can get rid of.
Two australian farmers are travelling through the back paddocks when they come across a sheep stuck in the fence. Sensing an opportunity, the first farmer says "Hey, watch this". The farmer then proceeds to drop trousers and fuck the trapped sheep. After finishing, the farmer turns to his buddy and asks. "Your turn now". The second farmer drops his pants, replies "Sure mate" and then sticks his head through the fence.
Two families move from Afghanistan to Australia.
When they arrive, the two father's make a bet.
In a year's time, whichever family has become more Australian will win.
A year later, they meet again.
The first man say's, " G day mate, my son is playing footy,I had a pie for lunch and I'm on my way to pick up a slab of V.B., How about you."
The second man replies " Fuck off ya towel head cunt!"