Australia jokes

• Sales of condoms have plummeted in Australia since Saturday, after the England Rugby team proved that to fuck 15 Aussies you only need 1 Johnny!
• It has emerged that Paula Yates was being considered for the position of England Cricket coach at the time of her death.The English Cricket Board believed that her experience of fucking Australians and bringing home the ashes would be invaluable.
• Earthquake in Lebanon! 500,000 dead!- USA sending money- France sending food- Australia sending replacement Lebanese.
• So Australia have sent a paedophile back to Britain. I heard he wanted to go to Jersey, but he found out he was a few decades too late.
• Australia may have won the cricket world cup, but Pakistan went home with the ashes.
• Durex have announced they are closing their factory in Brisbane, as it only takes one Jonny to fuck Australia.
• The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. __________________________________________________ Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) Depends how much you"ve been drinking. __________________________________________________ I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks (Sweden)? Sure, it"s only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we"ll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________ Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) Why? Just use your fingers like we do. __________________________________________________ Can you send me the Vienna Boys" Choir schedule? (USA) Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) You are a British politician, right? _________________________________________________ Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________ Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. ________________________________________________ I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It"s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) It"s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________ Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) Yes, gay night clubs. __________________________________________________ Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________ I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA) Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. __________________________________________________ Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) Yes, but you"ll have to learn it first.
• Australians Called On To Fight TerrorWe all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So, next Sunday at 4:00 PM , all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think it"s okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women. And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti terrorist sentiment. The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.
• We"d just like to say thanks to Darren from Barnsley for not travelling to Australia with his girlfriend Jenny, she"s a fantastic shag! from Dave and the rest of the boys on Bondi.
• What"s the difference between Australia and a pot of yoghurt?If you leave the lid off a pot of yoghurt, it will eventually develop a culture.
• I can"t decide whether to go to Australia or Thailand this year for a holiday. So I decided to weigh up the pros and cons of both.Australia has a load of Cons, but Thailand has lots of Pros.
• Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it"s down there but who gives a damn.
• A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep."Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in."The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question."Ah, we"re with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and fuck it from behind."Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it."Well it"s bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that."The Student replies "Why don"t you fuck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?""Fuck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?"
• When you leave several thousand chavs on a remote desert island and come back 100 years later, what do they say?G"day mate!
• A bloke"s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.Next morning there"s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news"."Well," says the bloke, "I guess I"d better have the bad news first?"The Sarge says, "I"m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we"ve brought you your share."He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it."Geez thanks. They"re bloody beauties. I guess it"s an ill wind and all that... So what"s the other possible good news?"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o"clock and we"re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!