Aussie jokes

• I arrived in Australia after a long hard flight and the man in Passport Control pulled me over."Alright can I check your passport?" PC Shayne said.Knackered and needing sleep I just grunted "yup"PC Shayne took this as rudeness from a Pom and went into overdrive "Alright Mate, have you got a criminal record?"I replied "I did not realise it was mandatory any longer!"I have just been released!
• A Moe girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit."How many children?" asks the assessor."10," replies the Moe girl."10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?""Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.""Doesn"t that get confusing?""Nah," says the Moe girl. "Its great, because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout, "WAYNE, YA DINNER"S READY" or "WAYNE, GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it.""What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker."That"s easy," says the Moe girl, "I just use their surnames."
• A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.Finally, he says, "Well, I don"t know about related, but it sure would make us even.
• An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he"ll have a little fun.Ventriloquist: "G"day bloke! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"Kiwi: "The dog doesn"t talk, you stupid Aussie."Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how"s it going old mate?"Dog: "Doin" alright."The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face.Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi.Dog: "Yep."Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."The Kiwis expression of disbelief doesn"t change.Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn"t talk either...I think."Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how"s it going?"Horse: "Cool."The Kiwi gets even more shocked.Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"Horse: "Yep."Ventriloquist: "How"s he treat you?"Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face.Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep"s a liar."
• HILARIOUS! This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you"ll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers"yes",he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the fu**iest thing you"ve heard yet.Anyway, here"s how it all went down:DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of "Mate Match"?"Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."DJ: "Great! Then you know we"re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.What is your name? First only please."Contestant: "Brian."DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife"s name? First only please."Brian: "Sara."DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"Brian: "She is gonna kill me."DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she"s at work."DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"Brian: "About 8 o"clock this morning."DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"Brian: "About 10 minutes."DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn"t at stake."Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o"clock this morning?Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks..."DJ: "Uh huh..."Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."Brian: "On the kitchen table."DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I"ve done it.Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife"s work number and call her up.You listen to this."[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]DJ: "Okay audience; let"s call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)Clerk: "Kinkos."DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"Clerk: "This is she."DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I"ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give anyanswers away or you"ll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?"Sarah: "No."DJ: "Good!"Brian: (laughing)Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian"s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."DJ: "What time?"Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."DJ: "Hmmmm. That"s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We"ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."DJ: "Where did you have it?"Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn"t tell them that did you?"Brian: "Just tell him, honey."DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"Sarah: "Well..."DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?Sarah: "Up the arse....."They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.
• Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Abo - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they"re only young and haven"t led full lives. Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500.The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he"s back in the same street he had just left. Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story.Of course, they don"t believe him. "So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where"s the Jew and the Abo?"."Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $300, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it".
• A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Hong Kong to Sydney, Australia.After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I"d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores and my head stuffed up a sheeps arsehole than let liquor touch my lips."The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn"t know we had a choice."
• A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep."Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in."The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question."Ah, we"re with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and fuck it from behind."Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it."Well it"s bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that."The Student replies "Why don"t you fuck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?""Fuck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?"
• An Aussie, Irishman and American are about to have lunch on 35th floor of a construction site.The Aussie opens up his lunch box to discover a vegimite sandwich, he groans "If my wife makes me another Vegimite sandwich I"m going to jump off this building"The American opens up his lunch box and discovers a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, he turns to the 2 man and says "If my wife makes me another peanut and jelly sandwich I"m jumping off too"The Irish mans opens his lunch box to discover a ham sandwich, he turns to the other two man and says "If I get another ham sandwich I"m jumping as well"The next day at lunch the Aussie opens up his lunch box and finds a Vegimite sandwich, so he jumps. The American opens his lunch box finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and jumps off. The Irishman opens his lunch box and finds a ham sandwich and he jumps too.A week later at the funeral all the wives are gathered in a circle crying.The wife of the Aussie says "Why did I only make him vegimite sandwiches, I could have changed it at least once?The American wife says "I should have made a different sandwich and not the same one every day"The wife of the Irishman stood back in confusion, looked at the two woman and said "I don"t understand it - he makes his own lunch"
• How do you tell the difference between an Australian and a New Zealander?Ask them both "Have you ever fucked a 12-year-old?"The Kiwi will answer "Eugh, course not. That"s disgusting mate".Whereas the Aussie will have a puzzled look on his face and answer: "Depends, a 12-year-old what?"