Arsehole jokes

• When Tony Blair quit Politics he left a big gaping hole in the Labour Party...did it have to be an arsehole and did he have to leave it in charge?
• I think all homosexuals are fucking arseholes.
• The dying thoughts of a 9/11 victim:Is it a bird...?Is it a plane...?OH SHIT, IT IS A PLANE!!!!
• I used to be a necrophiliac... until the rotten cunt split on me
• As soon as I got home last night I ripped my wifes thong off. Just in time as it was making my arsehole feel like a tea towel holder.
• Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favourite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews.Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish."Tony thought for a second and said, "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favourite brew.Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said, "You asshole, now we have to piss in the boat."
• Gordon Brown and George Bush are sat in a pub - there is only one other man in there and a dog laid by the fire. The other man in the pub walks out and about five minutes later another man walks in and lifts up the dogs tail. When the landlord asks the man what he was doing, he replied: "Well the bloke who just walked out said there was a dog in here with two assholes!"
• A penis says to the nutsack one day: "Hey man, lets go out clubbing!"The nutsack declines and says, "No. You always get in and I get beaten up by some asshole!"
• Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" The cop answers, "you"re in Philadelphia son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."The driver says, "I"m sorry, Officer, I"m not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy"s license, and he"s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "what"d you do that for?" The cop says, "just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "making what wish come true?" The cop says, "I know that, two miles down the road, you"re gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole had tried that shit with me!""
• A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to "write" with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Fuckin" helll... some asshole"s got my pen."
• Ulrika Johnsson was rushed to hospital last night after sitting on her mobile phone.Wasn"t a big problem though - not the first time she"s had an Ericsson up her ringpiece!
• What do you call a question that you don"t expect an answer to?A Prayer
• The sad life of a penis:I"ve only one eye, my hair"s a mess, my relatives are nuts, my neighbour"s an arsehole, my best friend"s a cunt, and my owner"s a wanker.
• A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for his family, but doesn"t tell the kids what it is. He says he"ll give them a clue, "It"s what mum calls me sometimes."The little girl screams, "Don"t eat it, it"s a fucking arsehole!"
• I had a really spicy curry last night, and now my arse is in fucking tatters. I feel like a girl who"s been on a blind date with John Leslie.
• A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse"s rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can"t wait to get on the road again..." The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again...just can"t wait to get on the road again..." "So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student"s discovery. "But isn"t that the most amazing thing you"ve ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?", replied the examiner, "Any arsehole can sing country music."
• All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body"s systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you"d all waste away.""I should be in charge," said the stomach,"Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I"m responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.The Moral of the story?The asshole is usually in charge!!
• Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I"m getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that"s nothing, I"m thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can"t picture your husband as a blonde!"
• A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, "all politicians are assholes." A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I take offence to that!" The pissed-off guy asks him, "why, are you a politician?" "No," he replies, "I"m an asshole."
• Why is oral sex like the Mafia?One slip of the tongue and you"re in deep shit.
• A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm."Sure!" she says, "He"s at home taking care of the kids ..."
• A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.Both he and his wife decide that they won"t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue."Well" he said, "It"s what mummy calls me sometimes".The little girl screams, "Don"t eat it..... Its a fucking arsehole!