Arse jokes

• What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?Wiped his arse.
• My father strongly believes that you should live every day like it is your last.That is why for the past 17 years he has been in the intensive care unit with an oxygen mask and a tube up his arse.
• Apparently paedophilia, and the urge to molest children, has a direct link to what is contained in genes...Specifically, a nice tight teenage arse.
• Why are uncles like curries?Bad ones hurt your arsehole.
• The man who appeared in the notorious internet web site goatse.cx died today.Friends and colleagues said his death would leave an enormous, gaping hole in their lives.
• A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it. While he`s sitting at the bar, his monkey is out of control. It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball. The landlord runs up to the man and says, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?""No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man."He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord."I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.About two weeks later the man comes back to the pub with his monkey. While he`s drinking at the bar his monkey is again out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar picks it up, sticks it up his arse and then pulls it out and eats it.The landlord having seen this asks the man, "Did you see what your sick monkey just did?""No," says the man."He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him."Well, what do you expect?" asks the man. "Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"
• The "Bishop" came to our church today. He was a fucking impostor. Never once moved diagonally
• One evening a priest was sitting on a pew at the front of his church, quietly praying to the Lord. A hot blonde suddenly came in and the priest asked her, "what can I do for you, my child?"The blonde immediately jumped on him and said, "I want you now! Take me!""I beg your pardon?" the priest exclaimed. "Fuck me now," she said, "fuck me hard up the ass!"The priest by now was sweating and trembling at the sight of the blonde lifting up her blouse revealing a pair of huge tits."But, my child, you are in the house of the Lord!" the priest desperately replied. "I don"t care, take this horny virgin now you sexy son of a bitch!" the blonde exclaimed finally. The priest, now shaking, sweating terribly and feeling himself go hard, turned towards the front of the church and, looking up to the Lord, he cried "Jesus Christ, help me - what should I do?""DON"T JUST STAND THERE YOU STUPID IDIOT, GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING CROSS!" he replied.
• In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn"t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink,and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "well, for one thing you"re wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That"s terrific!" said the cowboy, Got anymore tips for me?" Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That"ll give you a smoother draw." The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I"m learnin" somethin" here - got anymore tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin" the piano, he"s going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won"t hurt as much"
• A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I wish I had bigger tits". The boyfriend says "well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months". "How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend."Well it worked for your ass" says the boyfriend.
• Jake, an older fellow, joins a nudist colony. At the reception, he paid the reception clerk $500 joining fee. The clerk tells jake "strip off, put your clothes in your locker, and go through that door and have a look round". Jake strips and walks through the door, and as he approaches a very beautiful woman, he gets an instant erection. "Did you call me"? The woman said. "No" Jake replied. She looks at his erection and said "Around here when a man gets an erection near a woman we say he called her". With that she grabs his cock and drags him to the nearest bed and fucks his brains out. When Jake recovers a little he enters the showers and as he is washing his cock and balls he lets out a very loud fart. A huge man enters the shower with an enormous erection, "Did you call me"? He said. "NO,NO,NO"! said Jake. "Well around here" the huge man said "When a man farts near another man we say he has called him". With that the huge man bends Jake over the towel rail and fucks his ass hard and rough. Jake storms off to reception and yells at the reception clerk "YOU CAN KEEP THE $500,I AM OFF,NEVER TO RETURN"! "But Jake" answered the reception clerk "You only just got here, you haven"t experienced the colony yet". "I have experienced enough" Jake replied. "I am 66 years old, I get an erection only once a month, but I fart at least 40 times a day".
• The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:PASTOR"S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR"S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was all too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE! The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else"s ass and you"ll be a lot happier and live longer!
• A motorcycle cop comes across two bikers. One biker has two fingers up the ass of the other. " What the hell are you doing?" asks the cop" My buddy here"s got some food stuck and is choking," says the one biker, "I"m trying to make him sick.""You"re meant to stick your fingers down his throat, not up his ass," replies the cop.The first biker says, "Yeah, I know, but you get better results if you stick them up his ass first..."
• Little Johnny catches a glimpse of his pregnant mum in just her bra and pants."Why is your tummy so large?" he asks."Mummy has a baby growing in there" she replies.He thinks for a minute, then says "So what"s growing up your arse?"
• A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I"m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I"m afraid I"ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man"s table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I"ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I"ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I"ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I"ll break one of your arms!" The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird"s rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"
• The sad life of a penis:I"ve only one eye, my hair"s a mess, my relatives are nuts, my neighbour"s an arsehole, my best friend"s a cunt, and my owner"s a wanker.
• Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you"ll get a great view of her arse.
• A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he"s got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he"s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher.""That"s right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let"s get fish and chips, then I"ll buy you that bike you"ve been asking for.""Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
• I definitely do not understand women. My wife says I should be more like her "perfect" gay male friend, but she screamed blue murder when I tried to shag her up the arse.
• Tom and Tim were having gay sex. "I"ve got AIDS" said Tom."Oh fuck," said Tim."Only kidding," said Tom, "I just love the way you tightened your arse when I said it."
• What is the difference between Jam and Jelly?You can"t jelly your dick up your girlfriend"s arse!!
• What does a 9 volt battery and a woman"s arse hole have in common?You know it"s wrong, but nevertheless you will end up touching it with your tongue!
• Last night, my wife asked me if I wanted to share what our fantasies are with each other! She told me hers, having sex in a public place. When I told her mine she threw me out! Apparently, gagging her sister and forcing her to take it up the arse isn"t appropriate!Women, eh?