Army jokes

• Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap, The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
• What do the American army and car crashes have in common?They both kill hundreds of Brits every year.
• Have you seen those French Army Knives? No scissors or tweezers, just 6 corkscrews and a white flag.
• Why did the leper get kicked out of the army?He kept going into battle unarmed.
• When joining the French army, you are required to know at least five other languages.Well, how else will you surrender to occupying forces?
• I joined the French army yesterday.Was a bit confused though - the body armour only covers the back.
• We were that poor when I was a kid, my parents used to get my school clothes from the Army surplus shop.Nothing wrong with that you might say. But do you realise how badly bullied you get going school dressed as a Japanese sniper.
• Why is sex like the army?The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
• What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands in the air?The army.
• This is true and made me laugh:There were two black soldiers in the Welsh Guards!One was automatically called Midnight.The other was slightly lighter and they called him 11.59
• In 1991 a good friend of mine, who was serving in the British army in Iraq, was killed in a so-called "Friendly Fire" incident. I was delighted 10 years later when Muslims attacked America with what I insist on calling "Friendly Terrorism."
• What"s the difference between the army and a vagina?Discharge is a good thing from the army.
• I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn"t see you at camouflage training this morning!"To which I replied, "oh, thank you very much, sir!"
• I went to the doctor today to talk about contraception.She said "You could try French letters".I said "What"s that?"She said "Condoms"I said "I don"t like them".So she said "You should try the French Army method then".I said "What"s that?"She said "You pull out before you get into trouble!".
• I think that Prince Harry is endangering the lives of his fellow soldiers in the Army.I mean with that ginger cunt there they can"t fucking hide anywhere!
• Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn"t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones"s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don"t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
• A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:"I don"t remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."
• So the USA army decides to give every soldier a cash bonus- for every feet between their dick and forehead, they get 1000$. One guy comes, takes his pants off, they measure him and give him 1400$. Another guy comes, takes his pants off, they measure him and give him 1600$. Suddenly, a really old guy comes. A real veteran. They take his pants off and see there is nothing there. They ask him: "What happened to your penis?" So he tells 'em: "Some things stayed in 'nam."