Arm jokes

• Police today arrested a Thalidomide couple at Heathrow Airport.They were charged under the terrorism act, for trying to take small arms onto a plane.
• What has four legs and one arm? A doberman in a playground.
• Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill."What was that?" The others asked her."Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill."What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill."What was that?" the others asked her. "It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can"t get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
• In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can"t feel my legs!Doctor: Yes, we"ve had to amputate both your arms.
• A woman wakes in a hospital to find a doctor stood over her. She asks him what happened, to which he replies, "Madam, you were in a horrific car crash with your son and daughter and have just woken up from a coma."She says, "my son was an amazing footballer and could have been the next Pele. Where is he?"The Doctor replies, "he had his legs crushed and they had to be amputated.""And my daughter...she was a fantastic tennis player and could have won at Wimbledon. What about her"?He says "I"m afraid there was too much damage as she went through the window - we had to remove her arms."Emotionally crushed, the woman asks the doctor how long she had been in a coma and what date it was, to which he replied, "you were in a coma for six months, and today is April the first."She says, "April Fool"s day - so were you joking?""Ha ha, yeah... they both died on impact."
• Is it just me, or wouldn"t you all like to work at the lost-and-found booth at the Paralympics?
• Suicide bombers have killed 40 people in an arms factory in Pakistan.I didn"t realise prosthetic limbs were banned by the Koran.
• Saw my mate Jim yesterday, he"s only got one arm."Where you off then, Jim?" I shouted"I"m going to change a light bulb," he said."That"s going to be awkward, isn"t it?" I asked."No.....I"ve still got the receipt."
• Did you hear about that guy who sued Britney Spears for breaking his foot?I"m going to sue Jessica Alba for damaging my right arm.
• I"d hate to be the poor fucker who has to clean the mess up in the leper colony after they"ve finished the hokey-kokey!