Animal jokes

• How do you get two whales in a car?Down the M4.
• How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights? 10 Little piggies, 2 Calves, 1 Ass, 1 Pussy, 1 Beaver, An unknown number of hares, and one dead fish no one can find.
• Things are great with my new girlfriend. The sex is fantastic.I thought I would get her something special, so I bought her a new mobile.She loved it, plays a nice tune, aww! And all those little plastic animals that go round and round.
• I went to the zoo yesterday and there was only one dog there.It was a shih tzu.
• Actors are often advised never to work with children or animals.Especially in the porn industry.
• Bestiality is wrong! People who do that are Fucking Animals
• What did the dad buffalo say when he left his son?Bison.
• Steve Irwin died the way he livedWith animals in his heart
• A man ended up in a hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a toy horse lodged in his arse. The doctors have described his condition as stable.
• I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
• For thousands of years human beings have milked cows, and consumed the milk.It just makes you wonder- who actually discovered that cows could be milked- and what was he TRYING to do?
• What did the vet say to the dog who kept licking his balls? "Thanks"
• If God didn"t want us to eat animals, he wouldn"t have made them out of food.
• Three tough looking rats are sitting at a bar drinking.The first rat puts down his beer and turns to the others, saying, "You know how tough I am? Well, you know that rat poison they put down in the kitchen? I eat that stuff for breakfast lunch and dinner!"The second rat looks unimpressed and says, "That"s nothing. You know those big fucking rat traps they got all over the place? Well, get this - I jump in and out of them for a bit exercise. That"s how tough I am!"The third rat knocks back his whiskey, slams the glass down on the bar and heads for the door. "Where are you going?" asks the first rat."I"m off home to shag the cat", replies the third rat.
• A miserable looking man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple whisky.The Bartender raises an eyebrow and says "that"s some pretty strong poison you"re ordering, you must be fucking miserable."The man says "well I just found my wife in bed with my best friend, so yeah I"m feeling pretty bad".The Bartender is shocked by the man"s story so he gives him the drink on the house and asks him to tell the story."I came home and walked into our bedroom, then I saw them together, I told her that we were through and to pack her things.""And what did you do with your friend?" the Bartender inquired."I looked him right in the eye and I said, "bad dog!"" he replied.
• Teacher to class, today children we will be doing what noises animals make."Lucy, what do cows say?"Lucy: "Moo, miss.""Very good, Lucy. Ben, what do sheep say?"Ben: "Baaaaaa, miss.""Very good, Ben. Leroy what do pigs say?"Leroy: "What"s in the bag, nigga?"
• A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"Barman says: "No"Duck says: "Got any Bread?"Barman says: "No"Duck says: "Got any Bread?"Barman says: "No, we have no bread."Duck says: "Got any bread"Barman says: "No, we haven"t got any fucking bread."Duck says: "Got any bread?"Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven"t got any fucking bread. Ask me again and I"ll nail your fucking beak to the bar, you irritating bastard bird!"Duck says: "Got any nails?"Barman says: "No."Duck says: "Got any bread?"
• This scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.After about 5 or 6 whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal antlers on the wall with.He asks the barman "What the fuck is that?"The barman says "It"s a Moose"The scottish chap says "Fuck me! How big are the cats!?
• Some "Save the Earth" type collector came up to me asking for a donation - "Please sir, in 100 years time the African Elephant will be extinct!"I replied, "so will I, but you don"t see me asking them for money."
• A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease."Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?""Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?""Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what"s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?""And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?""Mr. Brown, that"s interesting, but what"s the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I"m playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn"t you go mad, too?"
• A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat"s music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he"s not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he"s not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money."Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don"t worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat"s a ventriloquist."
• A White Horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Here mate, we"ve got a drink named after you!"The horse says, "What, Steve?"
• Why are people so opposed to these half-human, half-animal embryos at the moment?Karen Matthews gave birth to Shannon and no one"s complaining about her!
• What "s the difference between chavs and animals? (V2) There"s a heaven for animals