Anal jokes

• Why are uncles like curries?Bad ones hurt your arsehole.
• My girlfriend said our sex life was getting dull, and I should try and think outside the box.So I fucked her up the arse.
• What does a catholic priest have in common with a pint of guiness?Black coat, white collar & you need to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.
• What have anal sex and dustbin men got in common?They both leave a right fucking mess up your back passage.
• Domestos has released a new condom especially designed for gays and those who favour anal sex, its advertising slogan is:Domestos Condoms - Gets right in the rim
• A couple want to have a bash at anal sex, but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first."Anal sex is perfectly safe," says her doctor, "as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant. And you take care not to get pregnant, of course.""What?" says the woman incredulously, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?""Certainly," replies the doc, "where do you think chavs come from?"
• What do spinach and anal sex have in common?If you were forced to have it as a kid, you"ll hate it as an adult.
• Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, "fuck off it"ll be too painful.""
• A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he"s got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he"s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher.""That"s right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let"s get fish and chips, then I"ll buy you that bike you"ve been asking for.""Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
• Anal sex:It"s not for pussies.
• I definitely do not understand women. My wife says I should be more like her "perfect" gay male friend, but she screamed blue murder when I tried to shag her up the arse.
• A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the Nuns are incinerated instantly.The Nuns arrive at the exclusive Nuns entrance to Heaven (kinda like a VIP entrance to a rock concert, but more cloud-like) where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font which is filled with Holy Water.Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "is any aspect of you impure in some way?"The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man"s penis..." Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the Holy Water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the Holy Water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.He asks the second Nun the same thing and she replies, "I did once... touch a man"s penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.Saint Peter quickly asks, "what is the matter, sister?" The Nun replies, "nothing"s wrong, I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it."
• Royal Wedding NightCamilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I"m trying, my darling! But it"s just so blooming tight!""Come on, my prince! Give it all you"ve got!" she cried.Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one"s even tighter!"To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That"s my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
• What is the difference between Jam and Jelly?You can"t jelly your dick up your girlfriend"s arse!!
• A man is in bed with his new girlfriend, and they are trying to have sex for the first time.Despite their best efforts, it seems he is too well-endowed for his girlfriend to fully accommodate him. No matter what positions or types of lubricants they try, the girl is still in a lot of discomfort until eventually she says, "I can"t carry on any longer; the pain is excruciating."The man looks surprised and replies, "Wow.. Excruciating? That"s a big word for a six-year-old."
• I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.She didn"t approve of my improper use of the colon.
• Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise but they won"t take it up the arse cause it "hurts".
• Ever tried anal sex?It"s fucking shit!
• A man is out walking in the hills when he sees a woman standing on the edge of a cliff. She is very upset and crying loudly. "What are you doing up here?" says the man. "I’m going to kill myself," replied the woman. "Well, before you do, what about letting me fuck you in the ass?" said the man. The woman proceeds to let him fuck her in the ass and it"s the best one the guy can remember. "Anyway, why do you want to kill yourself?" asks the man. "Because my family have disowned me for dressing up as a woman."
• I"ve been asking my wife to try anal sex for months and finally she gave in last night and agreed. It was great, but we agreed not to try it again until I stop bleeding.
• Went to visit my uncle in prison today. He"s been inside three times, but the other ten times he was receiving.
• There was a man from MauritiusWho said his last fuck was deliciousBut the next time I cumIt"ll be up your bumCos that scab on your cunt looks suspicious
• anal sex ... ive got a brown spot for that ...
• Christmas and Anal sex have a lot in common. A lot of people say its better to give than receive
• What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.
• whats the difference between jam and marmelade. You can't marmelade yor cock up a girl's arse