American jokes

• Like ThisHow do you confuse an American?
• How does an American change a light bulb?Holds it under the socket and expects the world to revolve around him
• An American and a Ukranian in front of the urinals. The American pulls out his huge cock and says proudly to the Ukranian: Buffalo Bill!The Ukranian pulls out three enormous cocks and says: Chernobyl!
• The last thing America needs is a black man in the White House begging for change.
• The new Airbus aeroplane, the A380, is capable of holding 800 Passengers. Or 400 Americans.
• Its 11 am GMT and the American jokes are being voted down.Once again proving the fucking yanks have no sense of humour.
• Millions of people have fled New Orleans fearing it may flood due to Hurricane Gustav, just like it did with Hurricane Katrina three years ago.Only the French could be stupid enough to form a city beneath sea level, and only the Americans could be retarded enough to live in it!
• I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the fuck happened on the ninth of November anyway?
• I was chatting to an American about all the pain we felt on 9/11/2001. I should know- I caught my foreskin in my zip that day.Which, by the way, was the 9th of November.
• One in three Americans weigh as much as the other two put together.
• One of the big differences between American English and British English is that Americans tend to drop the letter "U" from certain words, like colour and honour.What a bnch of stpid fcking cnts.
• I was going through US immigration recently. The stern Official asked, "do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion?" I thought for a second, then replied, "violence, I think."
• An American ship is sailing just off the coast, when it receives a call. "This is Britain you need to divert your course 15 degrees"So the American answers back, "How about you divert your course 15 degrees or we"ll bomb your ass to kingdom come!"The reply comes: "We are a lighthouse, your call"
• A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "what"s your IQ?" The man replied, "140."So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research. The man listened intently and thought, "this is absolutely great." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "what"s your IQ?" The man responded, "120."So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.The man thought to himself, "wow, this is fantastic." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "what"s your IQ?" The man replied, "65."The robot then said, "so, how are things in America these days?"
• "Where do you come from?" the Englishman asked the American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Englishman, "you"ve got the strangest English accent I"ve ever heard."
• *Here you go America! This one"s for you. AND you"ll be able to understand it!*Yo momma"s so fat...she must be American.
• An American walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Budweiser.The barman replied "You"re American aren"t you?"The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or the accent?"The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest fuck I have ever seen."
• An American man moves to the U.K. to find some work. He manages to find a job in a bank.On his first day, the boss tells him to sweep up the floor."Excuse me? I"m from one of the best colleges in the U.S.A.!""Oh, I"m so very sorry!" replied the bank manager, "let me call someone in to show you how to do it."
• A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that"s a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
• To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour", skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter "Z" (pronounced "zed" not "zee") and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra" e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you can"t cope with correct pronunciation.Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more "bleeps" in the Jerry Springer show. If you"re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn"t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won"t have to use bad language as often.2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn"t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we"re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can"t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls" game called rounders, which is baseball without the fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don"t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren"t even French, they are Belgian; though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are actually called crisps. Real chips are thickly cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. This quantity is to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all; it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. The substances formerly known as American beer will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat"s Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak, Near-Frozen Knat"s Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.13. From November 10th, the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you"re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you"re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you"re not grown up enough to handle a gun.15. Please tell us who killed JFK; it"s been driving us crazy.16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty"s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.John Cleese
• Ah, it"s the time of day when all the American inbred retards swarm the site and think, "Don"t get that. Must be crap. Vote it down, down, down."I have visited American so-called "Sick Joke" sites and the wankers actually apologise after posting a sick joke! Strange how they find sick jokes offensive, but don"t mind bombing the fuck out of innocent human beings (us British included)!Well, here"s a little friendly fire for all you God-fearing, nappy-wearing, sister-shagging retards:Fuck off and find a knock-knock joke site. That will be much more to your shandy-drinking style, I think.
• The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise wasprecipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France"s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country"s military capability. It"s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
• What"s the difference between 9/11 and a cow?Americans don"t know how to milk a cow!
• George Bush spoke out against the invasion of Georgia today saying: "Russia has invaded a sovereign state...such an action is not acceptable in the 21st century."Who said Americans can"t do irony?
• "American English" seems to be a term used more and more often these days.But why not just write "illiterate"?
• I hear they"re making a skyscraper that changes shape in Dubai.Didn"t they already do that in New York?