Alcohol jokes

• I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for a woman,I got my knob stuck in the neck of the bottle.
• On some days, my head is filled with such wild and original thoughts that I can barely utter a word. On other days, the off licence is closed.
• I once went 12 years without any sex, drugs or alcohol......my GOD, my dad knows how to throw a good 13th birthday party!
• The government really are sneaky bastards. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you have to drink more.
• How do you make an epileptic fit?Alcohol and makeup should do it.
• Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in America to 32?It seems they want to keep alcohol out of schools.
• My wife says she doesn"t like me when I drink.Unfortunately, that"s the only time I like her.
• Michael Owen is in a nightclub. He spots a gorgeous young lady in there, and he goes up to her, squeezes her arse and asks her if she fancies a shag.She says: "Blimey, you"re a little forward, aren"t you?"
• They say alcoholism is an illness.So why can"t we call in drunk to work ?
• A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Hong Kong to Sydney, Australia.After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I"d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores and my head stuffed up a sheeps arsehole than let liquor touch my lips."The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn"t know we had a choice."
• A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It"s my first wife"s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again. The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks. "Please tie the Scouser to my back."
• They"ve brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk.I"m not too worried about it - there"s 78 other desks here.
• Non alcoholic lager is like havin oral sex with your sister, it tastes the same but something just doesn't seem right.
• Knock knock Whos there? Ethanol Ethanol who? He's an alcohol and it's destroying his family