Aids jokes

• How do you know if your garden has AIDS?All the pansies die.
• Apparently, new drugs can add 13 years to the life expectancy of those with HIV.I think they will find saying no to bum sex adds a little bit more.
• All that phone sex has caught up with me...I have hearing-aids
• A recent survey found that Africa was in fact the happiest continent to live in.Everyone there seemed positive.
• They say a problem shared is a problem halved.Not if its AIDS.
• I just bought myself a can of Lynx Africa.I always wondered what AIDS, famine and civil war smelt like.
• Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That"s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That"s no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That"s no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That"s no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
• Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don"t want them fucking your mother after I"m gone!"
• Tom and Tim were having gay sex. "I"ve got AIDS" said Tom."Oh fuck," said Tim."Only kidding," said Tom, "I just love the way you tightened your arse when I said it."
• A horse walks into a bar,The barman asks, "why the long face?"To which the horse replies, "I"ve got AIDS."
• Gay Ray goes into the doctor"s office and has some tests run.The doctor comes back and says, "Ray, I"m not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."Ray is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?""Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."Ray asks bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doc? "Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your fuckin" arse is for."
• I was diagnosed with HIV last week. The doctor said, "you need to contact all the people you"ve had sex with in the past two years."I said, "that"s an awful lot of women, but I should be able to help with identifying about 50%."He said, "wow, most people struggle to name one or two - do you keep records?"I said, "no, the police do, but unfortunately half of all rapes go unreported."
• A guy at the doctor"s surgery. "I"m sorry to tell you this, Mr Smith, but you have contracted AIDS by sexual intercourse.""Fucking hell, Doc, you can"t even trust your own kids these days!"