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Did you hear they figured out what killed Anna Nicole?Food poisoningShe had a 95 year old wiener in her.
At age 2, success is not shitting your pants.At age 12, success is having friends.At age 22, success is having sex.At age 52, success is having sex.At age 62, success is having friends.At age 72, success is not shitting your pants.
I heard someone arguing with a friend about whether it"s right for an older man to date a younger woman.I thought, well it worked for Josef Fritzl. I mean, he was old enough to be that girl"s dad.
According to the BBC website, "cocaine users are getting younger".I have always avoided illegal narcotics but, now I"ve found out that they actually reverse the ageing process, I"m going to give them a bash.
I"m still having sex at 87.It"s only across the road from us at number 84, but my wife still doesn"t notice.
My wife bought a whole range of those anti-ageing cosmetics yesterday, then spent the entire afternoon in front of the mirror applying various creams and potions to just about every part of her body. Later that evening, she came downstairs and said to me "Be honest darling - how old do I look?"I replied, "From your skin - 18; from your hair - 25; from your figure - 20.""Gee honey, you"re in a flattering mood tonight," she said."Hang on a sec," I said, "I haven"t added them up yet."
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor"s for a physical.The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"And the man says, "oh, me and God? We"re tight. We have a real bond, he"s good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.He called the man"s wife and said, "I"d like to speak to you about your husband"s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"And she says, "that idiot, he"s been pissing in the fridge!"
It was my birthday yesterday and the wife asked if I wanted a blow job or a hand job. Thinking that my luck was in, I said, "I think I"ll take the blow job option, please."The wife replied, "good choice - if you put that many candles out with your hand you would burn your fucking fingers."
On a scale of 1-10, how old is Gary Glitter"s girlfriend?
Two old men sitting in a retirement home chatting, "I"m full of aches and pains today Alf." "How do you feel?" Alf replies "Like a new born baby Fred" "Really?" Says Fred, "A newborn baby?" "Yes" says Alf, "No hair, no teeth, and I"ve just shat myself!"
Isn"t America wonderful? You can get married and have children aged 16, you can join the army and kill people aged 18...But you need to be 21 in order to rent porn or buy beer, because you aren"t considered "emotionally mature" until that age.