Deprecated: mysql_pconnect(): The mysql extension is deprecated and will be removed in the future: use mysqli or PDO instead in /home/gordondent/hahasincludes/libs/dblib.php on line 17 Affair jokes - HaHas.co.uk | Ha HA Jokes
Man hires Chinese P.I.... Chan Lee, to watch to see if his wife is being unfaithful...! 2 days later, he gets a report:Most Honourable sir.I watch house.You leave house.He came to house.He and She leave house.I follow.He and she go hotel.I climb tree and look in window.He kiss she.She kiss he.He strip.She strip.He play with she.She play with he.I play with me.I fallout tree.I not see.No fee.
A 54 year-old mathematician has a 54 year-old wife. One night. the wife recieves a note on her door from her husband. It says: My dear wife, As you know, you are 54 years old and can no longer satisfy me in bed. I hope you will understand that I will be spending the night with my 18 year-old assistant. Later that night the mathematician came home to find a note on the door. The note said:My dear husband,As you know, you are also 54 and cannot satisfy me in bed. Therefore tonight I will sleep with the 18 year-old pool boy. As a mathematician, I also hope that you understand that 18 goes into 54 a hell of a lot more than 54 goes into 18, so good luck.
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub."I can"t believe it." says the Englishman. "Me and the wife- we"ve been together 15 years and today I found out she"s been having an affair with a builder.""How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask."I found a box of tools under the bed.""Join the club." says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife"s been having an affair with a milkman.""How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask."I found a crate of milk under the bed.""You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I"ve just found out the wife was having an affair with a fokkin horse!"The other two look at him incredulously. "How do you know it was a horse?""I found a jockey hiding under the bed."
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It"s dark in here, isn"t it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It"s dark in here, isn"t it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy"s father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we"ll play some catch." "I can"t. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That"s thievery! I"m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It"s dark in here, isn"t it?" "Don"t you start that in here," the priest says.
Two women meet in the afterlife. Following is the conversation they had.1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.2nd woman: Hi! I"m Sylvia. How"d you die?1st woman: I froze to death.2nd woman: How horrible!1st woman: It wasn"t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.1st woman: So, what happened?2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.1st woman: Too bad you didn"t look in the freezer ... we"d both still be alive.
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. I"ve suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out "with the girls" a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don"t know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn"t want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself? Cheers
I"m still having sex at 87.It"s only across the road from us at number 84, but my wife still doesn"t notice.
Two friends go to a prostitute. The first guy goes in and comes out ten minutes later and said,"My wife"s better than that."So the next guy goes in then ten minutes later and said,"You"re right, your wife is better than that."
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him."There"s no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110..Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car."It"s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it"s Friday the 13th. I don"t feel like more paperwork, I don"t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven"t heard before, you can go."The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!""Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A man was having an affair with another woman and his wife found out about it, so she told him, "if you don"t end it now, I"m gonna go down town, to the post office where you work, and tell everyone I see that you"re a no good, cheating, filthy bum."The husband replied, "you"re gonna go down town, to the post office where I work, and tell everyone you see that I"m a no good, cheating, filthy bum?" She said, "yeah, that"s right."The husband held out an envelope and said, "mail this."
A child psychologist vists a school to find out what the children of today are thinking. First he sees a boy in the corner of the playground running around in circles and pretending to be a truck. "So what are you doing then?" The psychologist asks."I"m a truck driver and are driving all over the world," the boy responds.Next, the psychologist sees another boy who appears to be doing press-ups in the middle of the playground. "So what are you doing then?" the psychologist asks."I"m sorting out his wife while he"s gone."