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If you had bought 1,000 dollars worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.If you had bought 1,000 dollars worth of Enron stock, you would now have $16.50 of the original $1,000.With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.If you had bought 1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00.The moral?Drink heavily and recycle.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice.99% sound, 1% advice.
I was reading about this bloke who got fined a thousand pound by the TV licensing inspector for not having a TV license. Then I heard of another guy who got out on bail for five hundred pound after being arrested for murder.So . .Why worry about getting a TV license. If an inspector comes round..KILL him!You could save yourself FIVE HUNDRED quid.
TOP TIPTo get sincere personal advice and the correct time, try calling a random telephone number in the early hours of the morning.
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "this is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.It read:"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages, beautiful homes in California, Aspen, Colorado and Miami. There are over twenty million dollars in my checking account.. BUT not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Send the bottle back!"
A deaf couple are getting married, and the man decides that they should make sure from the start that they understand important matters, so using sign language he explains to his bride:"When - I - want - sex - with - you, - I - will - squeeze - your - left - breast - once.""When - I - do - NOT - want - sex - with - you, - I - will - squeeze - your - right - breast - twice.""When - you - want - sex - with - me, - you - should - pull - my - penis - once.""When - you - do - NOT - want - sex - with - me, - you - should - pull - my - penis - fifty - five - times."
Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you"ll get a great view of her arse.
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed."It"s worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
Bit of a warning for the weekend..... THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Innovative2. Preliminary3. Proliferation4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULTTO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. TransubstantiateTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I"m married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me!3. Sorry, but you"re not really my type.4. Doner Kebab? No thanks, I"m not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn"t it lovely out tonight?6. Oh, I couldn"t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.7. I"m not interested in fighting you.8. Thank you, but I won"t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I"d hate to look like a fool!9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this car park or on the side of the road.10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.11. Thank you Mr. Taxi Driver, that was a very reasonable price.
Too often we lose sight of life"s simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only four to extend your arm and smack the cunt!