Adultery jokes

• After a relatively unsuccessful sex life, I am finally having the best sex of my life at 46.The thing is though, I live at number 15.
• I wonder: do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• I read in a magazine that it is a good thing in a relationship to keep a few secrets.I have plenty - Sarah, Joanne, Amy, Louise....
• A woman was at home one afternoon when she heard a knock at the door. She answered it and it was a man who said "Do you have a vagina?" She screamed and slammed the door in his face. The next day she heard another knock on the door and when she opened it the same man said "Do you have a vagina?" So she slammed the door in his face again. She told her husband about this and they came up with an idea. The husband decided to take the day off work and if the man knocked on the door his wife would keep the man talking so that he could be confronted. Sure enough the next day there was a knock on the door and the same man said "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes I do" replied the woman. "Good" said the man "Then tell your husband to stop fucking my wife"
• An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, "It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away. But... I must know, did he have a different father?"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, pauses for moment and then confesses. "Yes, he did.""Who was he?" he asks.The old woman drops her head, trying to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. She gulps down her wine and finally, she says, "You."
• What"s the difference between a western girl and a arab girl?The western girl gets stoned before she commits adultery.
• There"s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I"ll quit!"Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don"t know what you"re laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
• A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he"d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the priest. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The priest said, "Bless you, my son. Was it when I started to preach "Thou shall not steal," that changed your heart?" The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat!"
• After telling his wife he was working late at the office, a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That"s nothing, look what he did to my tits!"
• A man gets home from work early one day and catches his wife in bed naked but alone.Being a little suspicious, he decides to look about the bedroom and, on entering the en suite bathroom, he catches a guy standing there totally naked.He says, "what the hell is going on here?"The guy replies, "it"s okay: I"m from the council, we have had a report that you have a moth infestation."The husband says, "but you"ve got no clothes on!"The guy begins to beat himself down furiously saying, "the little bastards."
• What"s the three words you never want to hear while making love?"Honey, I"m home."