Accident jokes

• Kids in the back seat cause accidents......accidents in the back seat cause kids!
• A lorry has just overturned on the M6 loaded with Vicks vapour rub.Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.
• NEWSFLASH!Emergency services have removed 32 dead Pakistanis from a house in Bradford.It is not believed that there are any links to terrorist groups.Early indications are that a bunk bed collapsed.
• After a motorway pile up the rescue services approach a car with a man in the front seat. The man is screaming and shouting.In an attempt to calm the situation one of the rescue staff says "Calm down, it could be worse. Your wife, for example, was thrown out of the front windscreen and onto the road."The man replies "Yeah! But did you see what she had in her fucking mouth?!"
• Why did Princess Diana cross the road?She wasn"t wearing her seatbelt.
• My dad used to say.."Whatever doesn"t kill you, makes you stronger"Until his accident...
• I"m ashamed to say I hit my wife last night.Luckily I drove off before she recognised the car.
• A man was walking down the street, when suddenly he was hit by a car.A policeman that attended the scene said to the injured man, " Did you get a look at the driver?""No. " said the man, "but I can tell you it was my wife.""How"s that ?"asked the policeman.And the man said, " I"d recognise her laugh anywhere."
• A policeman is patrolling when he hears a crash in the next street. He immediatly runs over and sees that there has been a big car accident. The policeman scans the scene and sees the bodies of three black guys, one of them is by the side of the car with one of the wing mirrors broken off next to him, one of them has gone through the windscreen, and the other has been hit with such force that his body is lying halfway down the street.The policeman approaches the driver of the car and asks him "What on earth happened?"The driver explains to the police officer "Well officer, I was driving along when all of a sudden these guys run out of nowhere, I tried to swerve to avoid them but I was too late."The policeman scans the scene a bit more and asks the driver "Is that really what happened?"The driver confesses "I"m sorry officer, no that"s not quite how it happened, I was taking a call on my mobile and I was so focused on the road that I didn"t see that I was drifting onto the pavement, by the time I saw I was about to hit these guys I didn"t have time to swerve out the way"The policeman narrows his eyes and asks the driver "I can"t see a mobile phone anywhere..are you telling me the truth?"The driver sighs and says "OK officer, I"ll tell you the truth, I was driving along when I saw these black bastards, so I sped up, and ran them over before they could get out my way!""Right," says the policeman, "I"ll do that one for criminal damage, that one for breaking and entering and that one for leaving the scene of a crime."
• Gordon Brown is out jogging and accidentally falls into a very cold river.Three boys see the accident.Without a second thought,they jump into the water and drag out the soaking wet brown.Brown says "boys,you saved my life and deserve a reward,you name it and i"ll give it to you".The first boy says "I"d like a holiday to disneyland"Brown says "certainly"The second boy says "I"d like an MP3 player"Brown says "No problem"The third boy says "And i"d like a wheelchair with a stereo in it"Brown says "But you"re not handicapped."The boy replies "No,but i will be when my dad finds out i saved you from drowning!"
• Bloke speeding through some country lanes in his brand new Porsche Carrera 4 x 4 when out of no where steps a Paki. He hits him full on and skittles him over the edge and into a nearby farmers field. Off he speeds thinking fuck it it"s only a Paki.2 miles down the road and he starts to feel bad about what he has just done so he drives back to the accident scene.He gets out of his motor but can"t see a thing except this farmer tapping some freshly dug earth with a shovel.He shouts over to the farmer, "Hey mate you haven"t seen a Paki around here have you?"Farmer replies, "Yep I"m just burying him."The blokes says, "Bloody hell mate was he dead?"The farmer replies, "He says he wasn"t but you know what lying bastards they are!"