Abuse jokes

• My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.
• The wife went to a fancy dress party as a pirate the other night, not because she liked the costume but because it was the only one that would hide her fucking black eye.
• How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you?You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth.
• STOP RAPE!SAY YES!
• When I was younger, the British care system really let me down.Growing up, my dad would beat me every week without fail. This went on for years until, one day, I finally plucked up the courage to phone Childline.However, upon a thorough investigation, the so called childcare experts decided that constantly topping my high-score on Pac-Man, Donkey Kong and Outrun did not constitute abuse.
• British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray
• Saw that NSPCC advert a while back: "Jenny"s uncle makes her do things that, as a child, she doesn"t understand..."I thought "Sudoku?"
• Christmas dinner at the McCanns. Gerry asks the twins "who wants stuffing?" and one turns to the other and says "it"s at times like this I really miss Maddie"
• Now, I"m not saying spousal abuse is right, I"m just saying that sometimes she deserves it.
• Jack and Jill were twins who couldn"t find dates to the prom. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said, "no, you"re my sister, that"s gross."Jill said, "Come on. Promise me if you can"t find another date, you"ll take me."So Jack said okay.Well, Jack couldn"t find a date so he went with Jill. They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said, "no, you"re my sister, that"s gross."Jill said, "Come on. It"ll be fun."So Jack said okay, and they had a great time.After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill. Jack said, "no, you"re my sister, It would be gross."Jill said, "we"ll just talk, we don"t talk anymore."So Jack said okay.They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat. Jill said, "Come on, Jack, take me." Jack didn"t argue. When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured, "You"re a lot lighter than dad."Jack said back, "I know. Mom told me last night."
• Under new laws, women who murder their partners after years of abuse will be treated more leniently by the courts.So I"m going to get in first and kill the bitch.