2012 jokes

• I think our Olympic canoeists are doing great.None have gone missing so far.
• I saw some footage of all the Olympic athletes training before the games.The Chinese really stood out for me though, using the same athlete for all of the events.
• Now that the NBA players are in China for the Olympics, do you think they will get a chance to meet the six year-olds that make their shoes?
• Olympic organisers are very disappointed that so few local children have been attending Olympic events. But, be fair, how could they? They were at work.
• The olympics: The only time where millions of people can watch a 14 year old in speedos and get away with it.
• Watching the Olympic 100 metres reminded me of going to a night-club in London.You hear a gunshot and then a dozen niggers go tearing away fast as they can.
• The credit crunch...I could lose my job.I could lose all my savings.I could lose my house.So what does the country do?Spend billions of our money on an event that lasts just two weeks and which serves no purpose other than to find out which people on this planet are best at taking drugs without being caught.
• After our sucess in cycling and boating events, the Olympic organisers have announced the addition of pedalo racing to London 2012 games.
• London 2013.Better late than never.
• The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion! which is a lot of money. It"ll probably bankrupt London. But you can"t put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
• Had an accident that wasn"t your fault?Lost a limb through someone else"s negligence?Cheer up. You now could represent GB in the 2012 Paralympic Games!
• London Olympics 2012London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:OPENING CEREMONYThe flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.THE EVENTSIn previous Olympic Games, East London"s competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.100 METRES SPRINTCompetitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.110 METRES HURDLESAs above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)HAMMERCompetitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.FENCINGEntrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.SHOOTINGA strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.BOXINGEntry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.CYCLING TIME TRIALSCompetitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy"s boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.CYCLING PURSUITAs above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.MODERN PENTATHLONAmended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.SWIMMING EVENTSAll waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."THE MARATHONA safe route has yet to be decided.MEN"S 50KM WALKUnfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincingTHE CLOSING CEREMONYEntertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler
• After blaming leg cramps for her coming 23rd in the marathon in Beijing, Paula Radcliffe has said she will get straight back in to training to be ready for London 2012 as she has only got 4 years to think of yet another excuse as to why she"s so shit at running.
• dont worry about the world ending in 2012... Busted have been to the year 3000