2008 jokes

• Emigration to the USA is a good thing. Everytime someone moves to live in the USA from their home country the average IQ of both countries goes up.
• If a long condom goes on a long prick and a short condom goes on a short prick, what do you put on a thick prick? a man united shirt
• A friend of mine was very depressed, he owed 500 pounds to a shark and his family were going to be kicked out on the street the following day. He drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there, his head resting on the steering wheel. All the nice people there had a whip-round and they got him his 500 pound!!.....Good thing his bus was full that day!!!
• Africans finished in 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th AND 5th place in the Olympic Marathon.Seems like having to walk 10 miles a day to get water does have its advantages....
• NEWSFLASH!The Irish government have announced that, as of next week, all cars in Ireland will now drive on the right hand side of the road.If this is a success, all buses and lorries will follow a week later.
• Paddy and Mick are sent to prison. Desperate to stay in touch with each other, they invent a code and tap messages to each other by banging on the hot water pipes with a spoon. The system worked perfectly for a time,but sadly it broke down after they were transferred to seperate cells.
• Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He"s got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:Ronnie BiggsRonnie O"SullivanRonnie CorbettRonnie WoodTake your timePaddy: I"ll take the money ChrisChris: Are you sure, you"ve still got 3 lifelinesPaddy: I"m sure Chris,I"ll take the moneyChris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I"m sure you"d like to know the answer.Paddy: I know the answer Chris.Chris: You know the answer? You"ve just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I"m no feckin grass.
• Two paddies find a mirror in the road, first one picks it up and says "I know this face but can"t put a name to it." Second one picks it up and says "it"s me you daft bastard!"
• Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I"d like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit." "And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?" "Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You"re starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you"ve only been in your second term of office for a year!"As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers... "It"s pronounced "quiche"."
• Laura Bush: "We have the weekend free darling, what would you like to do?"George Bush: "I"m not sure. Let"s think..."Laura Bush: "No, let"s do something that you can do too."
• Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts "Oi, driver! You"re losing your load!" Driver says "Fuck off!"5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts " Oi, you"re losing your load!" Driver again says "Fuck off!"5 miles further along, Paddy yells "I"m not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!"Driver then shouts "Will you go away you thick Irish cunt, I"m gritting!"
• There is an Italian, Frenchman and Irishman discussing lovemaking.The Italian Guy says, "wen I finish makin aluv to my girlafriend, I go down and tickle the back of her knees. She floats six inches above da bet in ecstacy."The French guy says, "zat is nothing, wen I finish with ze girl, I kissher all ze way down her body zen lick ze sole ofze feet. She floats twelve inches above da bet in ecstacy."The Irishman says, "dat"s nothing, when I finish riding me bird, I get out of bed and wipe my knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof."
• Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck.Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don"t want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it"s much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won"t dig into the ground."After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try.A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!""Yep," the other added, "but we"re gittin" further away from the truck...."