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Operators of the London Eye have announced plans to build a similar attraction in every major country around the world.Brilliant, I can"t wait to see the Jap"s Eye.
A little boy is walking down the street after school when a car pulls up. The window goes down and a man from inside says ""Do you want to get in the car with me?"" The little boy looks at him in a confused manner, and then proceeds to walk on. Three minutes later, further down the road, the car pulls up again. The window goes down and the man speaks ""Ok then, I"ll give you a packet of sweets if you get in the car with me"". The little boy looks at him, this time rather agitated, but continues to walk on.Again, three minutes later, the car pulls up. The window goes down and the man says ""Look! I"ll give you ¬£10 and two packets of sweets if you get in the car with me." The little boy stops. He looks at the man and says ""Look dad, your the one who bought the fucking skoda so live with it!".
Two Dyslexics working in a kitchen.The first say"s "Can you smell Gas?"The second replies "I can"t even smell my own name!!"
Why do Mexicans eat burritos at Christmas?So they have something to unwrap.
How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? None; they get the Mexicans to do it.
Sleeping with a married man is wrong. I would never do that... just ask my husband.
Apparently, the inability of Tim Henman to get past a semi has always left his wife very sexually frustrated.
Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
A: Dress her up as a goat.
My wifes sister knocked me out yesterday. I was so fucking angry!!
What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers!!!!Wife
When I was fucking this girl last night, she called out my brother"s name instead of mine. What did I expect though? They"d been married 20 years.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.No one knows for sure how old he was, as his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isnít always fair, and maybe it was my fault.Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (donít spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Paracetamol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.He began to lose the will to live as churches became businesses; creationism vied for equal footing with proper science, alternative treatments became available on the NHS (while cancer drugs were banned) and criminals received better treatment than their victims.The poor bloke took a beating when you couldnít defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.He finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.Barely recovering from that he was bludgeoned to death by the news that the world"s financial markets had been demolished by irresponsible bankers who made a fortune doing so and who the governments bailed out by demanding money from those wise enough to have adopted sensible fiscal policies.This grand old man was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.He is survived by four stepbrothers; "I Know My Rights," "Someone Else"s Problem," "Iím A Victim" and "Work? I"m better off on the Dole," and his stepsisters; "Gymslip Mother" and "I"ll have a baby and they"ll give me a house."Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not join the majority and do nothing.
Two blokes are sitting in a pub.One says "I gave my wife some flowers last night"."Really, did she like them" asked the second man?"No" says the first bloke "she found the label"."What, did she find out how much they cost ?" asked the second man."No. She found out she was not a family who died in a car crash".
The Sun"s headline today reads " Russians Threaten To Nuke Poland. " When asked for an opinon, an expert noted that millions of Polish lives could be at risk, especially if the Russians bombed England next.
Me and my girlfriend are getting married soon, and today we went to meet the vicar.The vicar said to my girlfriend, "so how did you realise you were in love with this man?"My girlfriend said, "when every step felt like a skip, when the birds were always singing, and the sun was shining even at night".The vicar said to me, "and how did you realise you were in love with this woman?"I said, "uh, I stopped looking at porn for two days".
What"s Jill Dando"s favourite ice cream?Magnum.
I don"t mind this role-reversal business at all.I am happy to stay at home when my wife goes out to work. I am happy to do the dishes and the rest of the housework - and, besides, our milkman is fantastic in bed.
Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from feminists.
I heard Japan is very fond of shooters lately. Quake got a 8.9
What"s the difference between the White House and a toilet?When you get a thick shit stuck in the toilet, you can call a plumber; when you get one in the White House, you have to call it Mr. President.
BREAKING NEWS:Russia have just announced plans to pull out of Georgia.The French were the first to commend the action.
Medical research has shown that people who run slow down the ageing process.That explains the large amount of young looking French.
What is the difference between a hooker and a banana?A banana doesn"t scream when you peel the skin off.
Carpenters love your mum ...She"s flat as a board and damn easy to nail!
What do you call a four year old with a severe learning disability?.....Sex Toy.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise"s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What"s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave"s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise"s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say"s, "Old buddies, let"s fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let"s have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I"ve known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican"s St. Peter"s Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can"t catch the Pope"s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I"ll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss" side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Why do Scotsmen have blue willies? Because they are tight fisted wankers.
What does YMCA stand for?You Might Catch Aids.
I work in a great office. As far as me and the lads are concerned, "harass" is still two words...
How do you get a fat girl into bed? ....... Piece of cake !!
White Men Can"t Jump.But at least they can take penalties.