Random Jokes - HaHas.co.uk
- The man in charge of the luggage at Terminal 5 at Heathrow has been sacked and awaiting trial at court with another 28,000 cases to be taken into account.
- I felt a bit fed up today so to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards.I love the end bit where I take my ring off, go back down the aisle , jump in the car and fuck off.
- I saw Paul McCartney today. I said "look on the bright side - at least you didn"t marry Yoko!"
- What do you call a racist, xenophobic Yank?Nothing. Yank will suffice.
- Why did John Lennon get shot?Yoko ducked.
- A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned.
"You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
- and then, when he came to the mathematicians cell, he found it all covered in spaghetti sauce! He opened the cell and checked every corner but the mathematician was nowhere to be found. Only the lone, still unopened can of spaghetti sauce was still standing where he had left it, still unopened.
Wondering where the sauce on the walls had come from, he checked the can - it was still closed at both ends...
So he got his can opener and opened it and to his astonishment found the mathematician crammed inside, shrugging his shoulders apologetically and mumbling
"Mixed up my algebraic signs"
- What do you call an abortion in Prague?A cancelled Czech.
- So Christians believe in Intelligent Design and the world was created by God.Given that Jade Goody, George W Bush and Vanessa Feltz exist, it doesn"t sound all that fucking intelligent to me
- AND THE YANKS GET ALL UPSET WHEN SOMEONE STATES HOW THICK THEY REALLY ARE, WELL READ AND LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF WITH THESE:The Stella Awards, named after Stella Leibeck who suffered third degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonalds coffee on herself. She was driving at the time. Celebrate, if you will, America"s most frivolous lawsuits:1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking her ankle falling over a child who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were surprised by the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little bastard was Mrs Robertson"s son.2. 19 year old Carl Truman of LA won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand in a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman hadn"t noticed that there was anyone at the wheel of the vehicle before trying to steal the hub-caps.3. Terrence Dickinson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he has just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was unable to open the garage door from inside, and the door back into the house had locked shut behind him. The house owners were on vacation. Mr Dickinson found himself locked in the garage for eight days with just two bottle of Pepsi and a bag of dog biscuits to live on. He sued the homeowner, and received half a million dollars for undue mental anguish.4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by a beagle. The beagle was chained up in it"s owners yard. The award was a little less than first thought, given that the jury agreed that Mr Williams had provoked the dog by shooting it repeatedly with an air gun.5.A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster $113,000 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was only on the floor because Ms Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.6.Kara Walton of Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club after she fell from the bathroom window and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak out and avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12, 000 and dental expenses.And the winner is: Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. Upon leaving the dealership, he pulled onto the freeway, set the cruise control at 70mph and calmly made his way into the back to make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the vehicle left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn"t actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 and a new Winnie. Winnebago actually changed their handbooks in case another complete moron decided to buy one of their vehicles.
- What"s the difference between Gary Glitter"s girlfriends and Peter Kay"s jokes?Peter Kay"s jokes are all over 10 years old.
- In response to the challenges to his leadership, Gordon Brown stated today that, with the credit crunch beginning to kick in, this is no time for Britain to have a novice in charge.I agree. What we really need is someone with years of experience in fucking us over and robbing us blind...
- The well known phrase, "I" before "E" except after "C" usually applies, except in "Alzheimer"s"...What happened, did they forget?
- Me and my wife are driving along the Motorway doing 55 mph. She looks over at me and says, "I know we"ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." I say nothing but slowly increase the speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don"t want you to try to talk me out of it, I"ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he"s a much better lover than you." Again I stay quiet and just speed up as my anger increases.She says, "I want the house." I speed up again, and I"m now doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." I just keep driving faster and faster, now up to 80mph. She says, "I want the car, the bank account and all the credit cards too." I slowly start to veer toward a concrete bridge pillar as she enquires, "Is there anything you want?"So I respond with, "no thanks, I"ve got everything I need." She asks, "what"s that then?"Just before we hit the wall at 90 mph I say, "I"ve got the airbag."
- How many soapy tit wanks does it take to change a lightbulb?I"ll do it for one.
- ........20 Signs You’re Getting Old.........20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can"t smoke any of them.19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.16. You hear your favourite song in a lift.15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up."14. You"re the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won"t turn down the stereo.13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers.11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt.10. You take naps.9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one.8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.7. You go to the chemist"s for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests.6. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.4. "I just can"t drink the way I used to" replaces "I"m never going to drink that much again."3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.2. When you find out your friend"s missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh fuck, what happened?"And the number one sign you are getting old is:1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn"t apply to you and can"t find one.
- There's a schizophrenic transvestite bloke down the road. Hard as nails. There's two you don't want to fuck with!
- White Men Can"t Jump.But at least they can take penalties.
- A young boy comes home with an armchair under each arm and a sofa strapped to his back.His father is furious and says, "how many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers?"
- Amy Winehouse admitted today that, when she"s on stage, she hides her syringe inside her hair! It must be like trying to find a needle in a fucking haystack!
- George Michael and Elton John are releasing a gay version of the Wizard of Oz. its called Swallow the Yellow thick load
- Smoking seriously harms you and others around you.Smoking for a laugh is fine.
- I had sex in the back of my dad"s car once.He was pretty angry when he looked in his rear-view mirror.
- God decided he needed a holiday.One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," said God, "I went there 10,000 years ago and suffered from the most terrible sunburn."Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied, "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my holy arse off."A third advisor suggested Earth. "That"s the worst suggestion yet!" remarked God, angrily. "I went there 2,000 years ago and they"re still accusing me of knocking up some stupid Jewish bitch!"
- What time does Andy Murray go to bed?Tennish
- Victoria Beckham was getting ready for a night out with David Beckham. She waltzed out the bathroom and said "David, does this tampon make me look fat?"
- I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.She said I had to stop wanking.When I asked why, she said, "because I"m trying to examine you!"
- Why do men have showers instead of baths?Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
- I went to one of those gadget shops earlier today and I bought one of them wind-up radios. I got it home and switched it on and it said "Your dick"s tiny, your kids are ugly and your wife"s shagging your best mate".
- I saw an advert the other day for sanitary towels. It said, "Always, have a happy period." So I bought one. It worked, I was happy; I stuck it over her mouth.