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When someone does something good you say have a cookie. When say it to a bulimic..they have a cookie and then give it back.
My wife has the body of a 16 year old school girl.She keeps it in the fridge.
To be fair to Josef Fritzl, when he locked his daughter up 24 years ago, he did agree to release her when Huddersfield Town beat Leeds United again. 20/10/84 1-015/04/08 1-0
What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?A new last name.
While playing cards last night I was accused of cheating.Apparently lipstick on my collar gave me away.
You guys hear the news about Vanessa Feltz?Appartently she"s got a bun in the oven!!!... 2 pies in the microwave and some bacon under the grill!
Michael Owen is in a nightclub. He spots a gorgeous young lady in there, and he goes up to her, squeezes her arse and asks her if she fancies a shag.She says: "Blimey, you"re a little forward, aren"t you?"
I like to go down to the school playground and watch all the children jump up and down and run around, yelling and screaming...Of course, they don"t know I"m using blanks...
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle. Just before take off, An Americangot on and took the aisle seat.After takeoff, The American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I"ll get up and get a beer.""No problem," said the American, "I"ll get it for you."While he was gone, One of the Arabs picked up the American"s shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said,"that looks good, I think I"ll have one too."Again, the American obligingly went to get it and, while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When theAmerican returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.He looked at the two Arabs and asked, "why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on, this fighting between our nations? This hatred? This Animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beer?"
Barack Obama claims to be half white and half black.Why is he not stripey like a zebra then ?
BBC News: AMERICA TO SEND 2 NUCLEAR EXPERTS TO JAPAN
The last time they sent "Nuclear Experts" to Japan, they killed 105,000 people...
I understand that we are living in the "politically correct" age - everything needs to be wheelchair friendly, in Punjabi and Polish but, seriously, do we really need information signs in Braille - at a fucking art gallery? That"s true, by the way. http://www.manchestergalleries.org/planning-your-visit/access/What"s next, ipods for the deaf? But seriously, it"s political correctness gone mad. I mean, they are even putting instructions on toothbrush boxes in Arabic - next time you buy one, check it out. That"s just crazy - I mean, whoever heard of a Muslim who brushes his teeth?
What"s E.T. short for?Cos he"s got little legs.
What"s the definition of self-destruction?An epileptic leper.
HOW DID THE 7 DWARVES GET THEIR NAMES?Miss Snow White was a randy cow,And desperate for a fuck,So off she went into the woods,To try and get some luck.She"d almost given up looking,When she saw some chimney smoke,Then she stumbled on the cottage,And went in for a poke.Her clothes came off in seconds.And she"d just removed her pants,When seven dwarves came marching in,With a merry song and dance.Snow White just stood there speechless,And thought she was in heaven,Originally after one good shag,But now she could have seven.Straight away she took command,My fanny needs a lick!And when one dwarf moved forward,She said -You"d better drop your pick.So down he went onto all fours,And said -I ain"t licking that-,Not there, that is my arse-hole,You DOPEY little brat!-The next dwarf started blushing,Do we have to do it here?-Snow White said -Don"t be BASHFUL,Unless you"re a fucking queer-So reluctantly he whipped it out,To prove he was no fool.And Snow White gave a big -Heigh-Ho-.As she rode upon his tool.Now one dwarf wasn"t smiling.Cos he hadn"t had a sniff,And due to his impatience,He couldn"t raise a stiff.Relax- you GRUMPY bastard-,So he did as he was told,And as soon as he was hard enough,He shot his fuckin load.The next dwarf got a blow-job,And she took him deep quite easy,But she just avoided brain-damage,When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.With three dwarves left, she turned and said,You"re next, I want your knob!-But no sooner had he entered her,he was sleeping on the job.Wake up you SLEEPY bastard-She wanted more from him.he woke with such excitement,That he filled her hairy quim.The next dwarf rammed his up her,And shagged her fanny raw,A dazed Snow White then whimpered.That should be against the law.-He made poor Snow White tremble,He was so big and thick.No wonder you"re so HAPPY,With that fucking great big dick-With one dwarf still remaining,But feeling rather sore,She said -You"ll have to use your tongue,My twat can"t take no more!-So he put his tongue to work,Where others had placed their cocks,And "cos he made Snow White feel better,She named the last one DOC.So there"s the truth about the dwarves,And how they got their names,By satisfying Miss Snow White,And joining in her games.
I thought I was getting Alzheimer"s until I found out that every time I fell asleep my wife was moving the bookmark forward 20 pages.Still I got her back by making her think she"s incontinent. Every time she falls asleep I piss on her lap.
I don"t know why some people are kicking up such a fuss at some members of the England football team not singing the national anthem.Last week I was watching the Paralympics and some of our gold medalists couldn"t even be bothered to stand up for it.
I was at Spurs last week. The bloke next to me called me a cunt.I was going to punch his lights out. But I couldn"t be bothered walking round the pitch.
What do you have if you've got a nigger up to his neck in cement?
Not enough cement.
What"s black and doesn"t work?Half of London.
How do you know if your newspaper is upside down?Tottenham are at the top of the table
Went to check into a hotel the other day. I asked for a suite with a view and the smart arse gave me a polo mint !
What do you call an Ethiopian with varicose veins?Mars Bar.
Now the Paralympics has started I am sure we will see something special.
when the kkk kidnap a foreign person they take them to a warehouse and give them a set of dice they then tell them. If youy roll a 1-2-3-4-5 you die. What happens if you roll a six.
You get another try.
what is a gingers wish ?to grow grey early
What do you call a spastic in a wheelchair?Anything you want, they"ll just smile and try to hug you.
Why do Catholic women stop having kids at 35?Because they think 36 is just too many.
Adolf Hitler was a madman! A complete and utter nutter! He had millions of jews, gypsies, handicapped people, communists exterminated.......but not one fucking paki!
The 7 Dwarves are in a cave when it suddenly collapses.Snow White is worried for their lives,until she hears a voice from inside the cave saying "I think Gordon Brown is a great Prime Minister".She says,"Thank heavens,at least Dopey"s all right!"