Random Jokes - HaHas.co.uk
- I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what"s your disability?"I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"
- When I die, I want to die doing what I love doing most.The Neighbours Child.
- Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts "Oi, driver! You"re losing your load!" Driver says "Fuck off!"5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts " Oi, you"re losing your load!" Driver again says "Fuck off!"5 miles further along, Paddy yells "I"m not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!"Driver then shouts "Will you go away you thick Irish cunt, I"m gritting!"
- What"s sexier than a dead baby?A dead baby in lingerie!
- Why are Black women different than Oriental women?They only squint when you cum on their faces.
- Women can sleep with whoever they want; men have to sleep with whoever will let them
- The prison chefs at Paris Hilton"s prison are preparing breakfast. They are pouring porridge into each bowl for the prisoners until they get to Paris" bowl."I"m going to wank in to this," says one chef."Great idea," says the second.Before you know it they"ve all cum in her porridge. Then the guards take the bowl to her cell and have a quick wank in it before delivering it to Paris.Paris looks at the bowl and up at the guards and says "I"m not eating this."The guard laughs and asks, "why not?"Paris replies, "it"s got porridge in it."
- Africans finished in 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th AND 5th place in the Olympic Marathon.Seems like having to walk 10 miles a day to get water does have its advantages....
- Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn"t - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily."What happened?" asked Posh ."Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.""My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.The driver replied: "I"m Victoria Beckham"s driver, and I just killed the cow."
- Justin has released a song titled "Never let you go" - It seems he hasn't taken the death of his Tamagotchi well.
- A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something."Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?""Yes, officer, I know I was speeding, but it is a matter of life or death.""Oh, really? How"s that?""There"s a naked woman waiting for me at home.""I don"t see how that is a matter of life or death.""If I don"t get home before my wife does, I"m a dead man."
- My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant for dinner. It was a nice meal and we were ordering dessert.
I asked the waiter how much the pie was.
"£3.14 sir," he replied.
"That's funny," I chuckled.
"What's that sir?" He asked.
"That Down's syndrome boy just tried to hug a heater and burnt himself."
We both had a good laugh.
- Apparently clumsy people are more likely to be obesethats because they keep walking into things....like McDonalds
- London police are in trouble again, they have just shot a bus load of Thalidomide Muslims who were suspected of bringing small arms into the country.
- I don"t have a Carbon Footprint...Because I drive everywhere.
- Why are women like clouds?Because when they fuck off it"s usually a nice day.
- Me and a few friends went out for a meal the other week, we all decided we would try the duck...I always seem to get stuck with the bill.
- Why did Michael Jackson check into the rehab clinic?To cure his 10 year old crack habit.
- A hotel porter is looking through the keyhole of the honeymoon suite."Look at her, she"s enjoying that," he whispered to a passing maid.She takes a peek."Wow, I wish my boyfriend did that to me more," she whispered back.A waiter hears and comes to join in the fun. He has a quick look."Incredible," he says, "and last night he had the nerve to complain about a hair in his soup..."
- It was my first night in prison and I was feeling a bit nervous. My cellmate was a huge bloke with muscles on his muscles. When lights out came and I was lying on my bunk he said:"Seeing that we"re going to be spending so much time together we better be family. What do you want to be, mummy or daddy""Oh shit" I thought. But, on the principle that it"s better to give than to receive, I said"I"ll be daddy then""Fair enough" says my cellmate "Now come over here and suck mummy"s cock....."
- What"s the difference between a dog and a fox?8 pints.
- Its really interesting - Amir Khan enters the ring as a British Sporting Icon, and leaves as a fucking paki.
- I"ve got one of those wind up radios. It"s always taking the piss!
- Man hires Chinese P.I.... Chan Lee, to watch to see if his wife is being unfaithful...! 2 days later, he gets a report:Most Honourable sir.I watch house.You leave house.He came to house.He and She leave house.I follow.He and she go hotel.I climb tree and look in window.He kiss she.She kiss he.He strip.She strip.He play with she.She play with he.I play with me.I fallout tree.I not see.No fee.
- I went to the Black Market early today...But unfortunately, they were sold out.
- I"m not worried about the Third World War. That"s the Third World"s Problem.
- My girlfriend said our sex life was getting dull, and I should try and think outside the box.So I fucked her up the arse.
- Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my cock.
- The Liverpool police arrive at Jamie Bulger"s home and ask his mum,"Did your son take drugs or drink?""Of course not, he"sonly three-why do you ask me that?""We just found him stoned and half cut beside the railway line"
- Don"t waste your money on anti wrinkle cream. I have been using it for six months.My balls still look like fucking walnuts.