Random Jokes - HaHas.co.uk
- Why did God make man first?He didn"t want Eve standing around telling him how to make a man.
- Heather Mills has been included in the 2008 edition of the Guinness Book of Records. She was the first person in history to successfully milk a beetle!
- Man goes into Doctors. "I think I"ve got this bird flu thing that"s been going round."The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"The man replies, "Well I"ve starting wearing make up, talking bollocks and I can"t park the fucking car."
- How do you make an epileptic fit?Alcohol and makeup should do it.
- Just installed a Diana screensaver, now my computer keeps crashing
- I saw an advert the other day for sanitary towels. It said, "Always, have a happy period." So I bought one. It worked, I was happy; I stuck it over her mouth.
- What"s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?Outlaws are wanted.
- I tried to download shit from some japanese servers.. shit was so slow.. I guess they're flooded.
- I was walking through the streets of Thailand when a small girl asked if I wanted sex with her."No, thank you," I said. "You"re far too young.""How do you know my name?" she asked.
- What do you call a question that you don"t expect an answer to?A Prayer
- A classic, no doubt you"ve seen it before, but here goes:In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:He has the MANNERS of an Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.He has the HUMOUR of the the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.He has the MUSCLES of the Russian, and the WEALTH of the AmericanHe has the SPIRITUALITY of the Indian, and the HYGENIE of the Finn.However, in hell, the reverse is true.. he is the WORST citizen..he has..ready...He has the MANNERS of an Frenchman, and the SEX APPEAL of the FrenchmanHe has the HUMOUR of the the Frenchman, and the BRAIN of the FrenchmanHe has the STYLE of the Frenchman, and the COURAGE of the FrenchmanHe has the MUSCLES of the Frenchman, and the WEALTH of the FrenchmanHe has the SPIRITUALITY of the Frenchman, and the HYGENIE of the Frenchman
- Iraqi TV GuideMONDAY8:00 Husseinfeld8:30 Mad About Everything9:00 Suddenly Sanctions9:30 Allah McBealTUESDAY8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things9:30 Iraq"s Funniest Public Execution BloopersWEDNESDAY8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy9:00 Just Shoot Me9:30 VeilwatchTHURSDAY8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H9:00 Veronica"s Closet Full of Long, Black,Shapeless Dresses9:30 My Two BaghdadsFRIDAY8:00 Judge Saddam8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things9:00 Achmed"s Creek9:30 No-witness News
- A British school teacher in Sudan faces 40 lashes for calling a teddy bear Mohameda spokesman for the teddy bear said "she should get 60 lashes for insulting Teddy like that"
- My old nan is getting a bit doddery. I went to see her last week, and as soon as I walked in she said, "oh Arthur! Is it you?"I said, "no, nan, grandad died 20 years ago. It"s me, bleary."She carried on: "Oh Arthur, how I"ve missed you so!""Nan! Grandad is dead! I"m your grandson!""Come over here, so I can give you a kiss""I"m not him you daft bitch!""And then, bend me over the kitchen table and throw one into me, the way you used to when we were youngsters.""...Oh Agnes, I"ve missed you so much!"
- A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 10 pence piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.A well dressed, attractive, but serious- looking woman in a bluebusiness suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading hernewspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy"s testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I"ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?""No," the woman replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue"
- A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"
- Did you hear about the spastic who won the disco dancing contest?He only walked across the stage to buy an ice cream.
- A bloke is watching TV, his wife is out at bingo. As he is settling down his son, who was watching TV up in his room, appears in the doorway. "Dad, what"s love juice?"The dad chokes on his beer and thinks, "Well he is 12 now perhaps I should explain"."Well son" he says, "soon you will meet a girl who you fancy, you will become exited, your willy will get very hard."The dad gulps and carries on. "You will touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg it will feel wet, this is her love juice coming out of her vagina, it means she is ready for sexual intercourse." The son looks curious and says, "Ok dad thanks." As he is leaving the room the dad says, "Hang on son, what are you watching up there to make you ask that?"The son replies "Just the Tennis."
- On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me... Iím me. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."
- A white guy is walking past a river and a Paki is drowning. He yells, "help, help, I can"t swim."The white guy yells back, "I can"t ride a bike but I don"t boast about it!"
- While enjoying a drink with his mate one night,ryan decides to try his luck with an attractive lady sitting by the bar.She lets him join her for a drink and to his surprise asks him to accompany him home.They spend the night hard at it.Finally they finish;Ryan rolls off,pulls out a cigarette and looks for his lighter.
He asks his new love if she has a light.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer",she replies.
Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man.Naturally he begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he enquires nervously.
"No,silly" she replies.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No",she replirs,snuggling up to him.
"Who is he then?"
"Thats me,before the operation!"
- Lisa Stansfield is rereleasing one of her classic songs for Maddie McCann as a request by her parents:Been around the world and I, I, I, I can"t find my baby.
- I feel sorry for Stevie Wonder. He might not have any idea how great his daughter"s tits are. But if he does, fair play to the man.
- The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise wasprecipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France"s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country"s military capability. It"s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
- Why are niggers" teeth so white ?So you know where to aim your punch when you"re about to get mugged at night
- My wife asked me to buy her sexy underwear I would like to see her in.When I brought them back she went mental! Apparently Mothercare was not the place to shop.
- I saw a load of Polish people the other day.I said to one of them, "why the fuck don"t you lot go to France instead?"He said, ""cos, every time the French see a pole they stick a white flag on it!"
- I got a job at a paperless office. Everything was great until I needed a shit.
- A recent revelation has shed new light on the 9/11 attacks.Two Irish joiners were working in the Twin Towers that day fitting new doors. A witness overheard one saying, "Paddy, get a plain and take a bit off the top."
- WAYS TO ANNOY THE PERSON IN THE NEXT TOILET CUBICLEFill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall cubicle of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!" Grunt and strain real loud for 30 minutes and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.Say, "C"mon Mr. Happy!! Don"t fall asleep on me!!" Say, "Hmm, I"ve never seen that colour before. ......" Say, "Interesting. . . more floaters than sinkers.Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a twenty pound note and drop the note under the cubicle wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?