Random Jokes - HaHas.co.uk
- I knew all along that Barry George was innocent. There"s no way someone from Fulham would be able to shoot and hit the target.
- Once you"ve had black, you"ll want your stuff back.
- Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...Particularly when you weren"t wearing one when you started.
- Teacher to class... " Today children we will be doing farmyard impressions, would you like to start Mary ? "Mary " The cows all go Mooooooooo miss ! "" Very good Mary, and what about you Billy ? "Billy " The Sheep all go Baaaaaaaa Baaaaaaa miss "" Very good Billy, and Johnny do you know a farmyard impression ? "Johnny " Yes miss, Oi get orf that fucking tractor ! "
- Shocking news reports are coming from the disputed border region between India and Pakistan. Indian Hindu fighters are capturing Pakistani Muslims and burying them up to their necks in sand. Western governements have been highly critical of these methods, but have agreed to an aid package , and have promiced an extra foot of sand per prisoner.
- Andrew and Evan save up their money and decide to travel in a hot air balloon around the world.Several days into their trip Andrew says to Evan, "Aah, we"re flying over France!""How do you know that?" asks Evan."Easy! You can see the Eiffel Tower from up here!"It"s a few days later and, again, Andrew says to Evan, "We"re above America now!""How can you tell?" asks a puzzled Evan."Well if you look just there you can see the Statue of Liberty!"On their last day Andrew looks over and says, "Today we"re flying over Liverpool!"Evan looks as hard as he can but can see nothing on the ground that sticks out. Confused, he asks Andrew, "How the fuck can you know that?!"Andrew replies, "Because SOME CUNT"S NICKED MY WATCH!"
- Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street. Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings. Robbie, quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and fucks her senseless. He turns to Elton and says, "your turn!" but Elton starts to cry. "What"s wrong, Elton?" asks Robbie.Elton sobs, "My head won"t fit through the railings!"
- A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer, he quickly downs it and asks the bartender for his tab. The bartender looks him up and down and says "for you, no charge."
- Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn"t ready, with only a few shelves set up.One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we"re selling."No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curiousScotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked"What are you selling" hereOne of the men replied sarcastically,"We"re selling arseholes."Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,"You are doing well ... Only two left!"
- A wife comes home early to find her husband fucking a midget."You promised me you"d wouldn"t cheat on me again!" she screamed."Calm down will you" he replied, "Can"t you see i"m trying to cut down..."
- While enjoying a drink with his mate one night,ryan decides to try his luck with an attractive lady sitting by the bar.She lets him join her for a drink and to his surprise asks him to accompany him home.They spend the night hard at it.Finally they finish;Ryan rolls off,pulls out a cigarette and looks for his lighter.
He asks his new love if she has a light.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer",she replies.
Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man.Naturally he begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he enquires nervously.
"No,silly" she replies.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No",she replirs,snuggling up to him.
"Who is he then?"
"Thats me,before the operation!"
- The other day I read in the paper, "A woman has been murdered in Manchester, by a 38 year old man who has not been named."I thought, "38 years old and he still hasn"t been named? What"s everyone been calling him all these years?"
- A man is sitting in a pub in Ireland suddenly he feels a gun being pointed at his back."Catholic or Protestant?" asks the voice."Jew," replies the man, calmly."Cor," replies the man with the gun, "I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!"
- A man says to his wife, "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."His wife replies, "you"ve got a bigger dick than your brother."
- Little Suzie is sitting in class when the teacher notices a puddle beneath her chair."Ah Suzie, why didn"t you put your hand up?" asks the teacher."I did Miss, but it ran through my fucking fingers."
- What was the last pizza order from the World Trade Center?Two large plains.
- A woman goes to her boyfriend"s parents" house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn"t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend"s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women"s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn"t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Ginger!"Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn"t even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"
- People have told me that dark skinned people won"t burn as quickly in the sun. But that really depends on the amount of petrol you"ve doused them with.
- Sky have won the rights to the World Origami Championship. Unfortunately it"s only on paper view.
- What"s the difference between cows and beatles?Heather Mills disapproves of milking cows.
- What"s the difference between a Glasgow airport bomber and a computer?You don"t piss yourself laughing when your computer fucks up, crashes, and bursts into flames.
- This site was recently visited by someone from Bridgend who was shocked at the jokes about her former classmates. Reading her words, I felt so sad for her.Imagine being so unpopular that you don"t even get invited to a mass suicide?
- What do you call an Indian with pink hair?Gandhi floss.
- You are driving at a constant speed: on your left is a sheer drop, on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and travelling at the same speed as you. Behind you is a helicopter travelling at ground level and travelling at the same speed as you. What do you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?Get the fuck off the kiddies merry-go-round, you pissed up bastard!
- Following the recent loss in the Champion"s League final and missed penalty, it is reported that John Terry is on suicide watch.Which I think is going to be hosted by Bill Oddie.
- The depressing thing about tennis is that, no matter how good I get, I"ll never be as good as a wall.
- I used to think that being a gynaecologist must be the best job in the world.....until I read about Jade Goody.
- Broken arms: Painful, but humerus
- What"s the best way to give your dog a bone?Tickle his balls.
- Went to Bridgend for a night out, turned out pretty boring.Lots of people just hanging about.