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Why can"t Barbie and Ken have kids?Ken comes in a different box.
Breaking News...The Olympic flame has gone out in Paris....just proves that she will stick anything up her cunt.
According to Sebastian Coe, "There is no greater feeling than representing your country at the Olympics."Really? Surely having Angelina Jolie sitting on your cock, whilst you snort coke off Jessica Alba"s tits would feel greater?
The papers at the end of August are full of results pictures, all of which show smiling, fashionably dressed pretty girls getting their A Level results. Where do these girls go? By the time the new students start University a month later they have all transformed into greasy, ugly lads and overweight girls in black eyeliner and secondhand jumpers.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
What"s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?A pick pocket snatches watches
What"s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?Outlaws are wanted.
So yesterday was the 10th September, known as The Big Bang Day.And today 11th September, how about : The Two Big Bangs Day.
A man was prescribed some suppositories.A couple of days later he met his doctor in the street."I hope you"re taking your suppositories regularly, Mr Jones," says the doctor."What do you think I"ve been doing, sticking them up my fucking arse?"
Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street. All of a sudden, Paddy falls down a manhole. Murphy shouts down, "are you OK Paddy? Is it dark down there?" To which Paddy replied, "I don"t know, I can"t see a fuckin" thing."
I was sat on a bus today, when this bloke said, "there"s something special between us."I replied, "yeah, I know, I"m his carer."
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.Do not walk beside me,eitherJust fuck off and leave me alone
The best engine in the world is the fanny.It takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with one finger & every 4 weeks does its own oil change.Its just a pity the management system is so fuckin temperamental.
Ive just been down my garden and was shocked to see my dog fucking a cabbage...silly little bastard must of thought it was a collie!!
A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted."I want to get screwed," said the man."OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice.The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open."Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!""What?" said the voice, "Again?"
My girlfriend brought some Vaseline over last night."We can have some fun with this!" she said.And she was fucking right as well......I smeared it all over the doorknobs in our bedroom and she couldn"t get back in!
What do hockey goalies and Jewish girls have in common?They both change their pads after three periods.
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour", skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter "Z" (pronounced "zed" not "zee") and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra" e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you can"t cope with correct pronunciation.Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more "bleeps" in the Jerry Springer show. If you"re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn"t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won"t have to use bad language as often.2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn"t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we"re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can"t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls" game called rounders, which is baseball without the fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don"t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren"t even French, they are Belgian; though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are actually called crisps. Real chips are thickly cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. This quantity is to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all; it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. The substances formerly known as American beer will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat"s Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak, Near-Frozen Knat"s Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.13. From November 10th, the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you"re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you"re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you"re not grown up enough to handle a gun.15. Please tell us who killed JFK; it"s been driving us crazy.16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty"s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.John Cleese
Durex have announced they are closing their factory in Brisbane, as it only takes one Jonny to fuck Australia.
The man in charge of the luggage at Terminal 5 at Heathrow has been sacked and awaiting trial at court with another 28,000 cases to be taken into account.
What"s the similarity between skydiving, and getting a blow job off your granny?Don"t look down!
Abortion: It really brings out the child in you.
So it seems that Chinese gymnast He Kexin may be 14 and not 16 as first claimed.Just when I thought I"d finished wanking over her...
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise"s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What"s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave"s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise"s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say"s, "Old buddies, let"s fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let"s have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I"ve known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican"s St. Peter"s Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can"t catch the Pope"s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I"ll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss" side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?"
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I"m not a virgin."The husband replies, "That"s no big thing in this day and age."The wife continues, "Yeah, I"ve been with one guy.""Oh yeah? Who was the guy?""Tiger Woods.""Tiger Woods, the golfer?""Yeah.""Well, he"s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone."What are you doing?" asks the wife.The husband says, "I"m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.""Tiger wouldn"t do that.""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He"d come back to bed and do it a second time."The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.The husband says, "I"m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.""Tiger wouldn"t do that.""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He"d come back to bed and do it again."The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.When they finish he"s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?""No! I"m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Teacher asks the kids in her class what their fathers did for a living."Mary, what does your dad do?""He"s a doctor, miss.""Joe, what does your dad do?"He"s a pilot, miss.""Billy, what"s your dad do?""My dad"s dead, miss.""Oh Billy, I"m so sorry............what did he do before he died?""He turned purple, farted and fell on the dog, miss."
What"s the most confusing day of the year for a chav?Father"s day.
I awoke early one morningThe Earth lay cool and stillWhen suddenly a tiny birdPerched on my windowsillHe sang a song so lovelySo carefree and so gayThat slowly all my troublesBegan to slip awayHe sang of far off placesOf laughter and of funIt seemed his very trillingBrought up the morning sunI stirred beneath the coversCrept slowly out of bedGently shut the windowAnd crushed his fucking head!I am NOT a morning person!!
Why do men prefer women with big tits and tight pussies?Because most men have big mouths and small dicks.
I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal and one tin of soup.I leaned over and said, "you"re single, aren"t you?""How can you tell?" she said, in a sarcastic tone.I said, "because you"re an ugly cunt!"