Random Jokes - HaHas.co.uk
- A Russian, an American, and a Irishman were talking about how good there countries were. The Russian said, "we were the first in space!"The American said, "we were the first on the moon!"The Irishman said, "so what? We"re going to be the first on the sun!"The Russian shook his head and said, "you can"t land on the sun, you idiot! You"ll burn up!"To which the Irishman replied, "we"re not stupid, you know. We"re going at night!"
- An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest"s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest.The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He"s done it again!"
- Consider a glass 50% filled with water. What would people call that glass?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: the glass is half empty
Engineer: the glass is too big
- This Big black prostitute who was also a Chelsea fan, got a tattoo of John Terry and Frank Lampard on the inside of her thighs.She says to her punter "If you can guess who they are you get a free shag". He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Shaun Wright-Philips!
- "I"m a 14-year-old girl looking for a 45-55 year old man for online webcam fun. Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org"
- My Japanese doctor advised me to stay healthy. I need 50 million gallons of water a day.
- The last thing America needs is a black man in the White House begging for change.
- There once was a girl called MaddyWho got raped by a Portugese baddyShe"ll never get found Now that she"s under ground And that"s thanks to her mummy and daddy
- A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I"ve been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you"re still fucking talking aren"t you?"
- Why are Welsh border collies the fastest of their breed?They know what happens to slow sheep
- Paedophiles work in small rings...
- Did you hear about the pikey who won the lottery?Apparently they"re going to pay him with Travellers Cheques...
- Why did the chav get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?Because on the box it said, "From 2-4 years."
- When I was younger, the British care system really let me down.Growing up, my dad would beat me every week without fail. This went on for years until, one day, I finally plucked up the courage to phone Childline.However, upon a thorough investigation, the so called childcare experts decided that constantly topping my high-score on Pac-Man, Donkey Kong and Outrun did not constitute abuse.
- Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can"t see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that"s a deep hole!"Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old concrete block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We"d better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened."Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.The farmer said, "Well boys, I don"t think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old concrete block."
- Abu Hamza, Heather Mills.... no wonder no one trusts amputees any more.....
- How do you stop a scouser from breaking into your house?Put a sign up saying "Job Vacancies"
- Watching the coverage of the Tsunami washing inland in Japan, only one thought keeps running through my head.
"Come on, all you whales and dolphins. You'll never get a better chance than this......."
- Following the controversy over Mohammed the bear, Sooty has decided to cancel his tour of Africa
- You know you"re Taliban if...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can"t afford shoes.You have more wives than teeth.You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.You can"t think of anyone you HAVEN"T declared Jihad against.You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.You"ve often uttered the phrase, "I love what you"ve done with your cave."You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.You"ve ever had a crush on your neighbour"s goat.
- I tried joining a spastics school the other day.Apparently, a blow job a day was not a special need.
- Two blondes walk into a building..........you"d think at least one of them would have seen it.
- Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating seatmate who keepstalking to you and snooping at everything you are reading?Next time just follow these simple instructions, and get ready toenjoy your well-earned privacy:1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.2. Remove your laptop and open it.3. Start up.4. Make sure the annoying guy can clearly see the screen.5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky - take a very deepbreath6. Open the following web address:http://tinyurl.com/34fzpf
- I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.Next morning, she rang and said, "what are you doing with your life?"
- THE WAR AGAINST TERROR........God"s way of teaching geography to Americans!
- Why did Kate McCann bury her daughter?Gerry was too busy wanking!
- What"s the difference between Paris Hilton and a toilet seat?The toilet seat"s hole is smaller and smells better.
- A 60 year old woman is walking through the ghetto and a man snatches her purse and runs off. The woman mutters to herself: What? They don"t rape anymore?
- Little Daljit lost all of his family in the flooding in Bangladesh.On the plus side, he does not have to walk so far to the beach anymore.
- I"m very proud of my Grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Admittedly that was in 1972 but you can never be too careful.