Deprecated: mysql_pconnect(): The mysql extension is deprecated and will be removed in the future: use mysqli or PDO instead in /home/gordondent/hahasincludes/libs/dblib.php on line 17 HaHas.co.uk | Ha HA Jokes
NEWS FLASH!All the pakis in the world are dead!Carlsberg don"t do newsflashes, but if they did, they"d probably be the best newsflashes in the world.
Two Jews queue up at Tottenham ticket office for a season ticket. The woman at the ticket office asks them if they are circumcised.The pair reply, "of course we are.""Then, I"m sorry, but I can"t sell these to you," the woman says.The Jews are confused and ask why not.The women then replies, "only complete pricks can be Spurs fans."
What is Daniella Westbrook"s favourite sex position?Fuck Nose.
What is the definition of indefinitely?Well, when your balls are slapping against the back of her arse, I"d say you"re in definitely
How can you recognise a French war veteran?Sunburned armpits.
Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts "Oi, driver! You"re losing your load!" Driver says "Fuck off!"5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts " Oi, you"re losing your load!" Driver again says "Fuck off!"5 miles further along, Paddy yells "I"m not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!"Driver then shouts "Will you go away you thick Irish cunt, I"m gritting!"
A Little Welsh lad is practising his free kicks at Derby. He has one of those portable walls which he moves around to change the angle so he can shoot from different areas of the field. He takes 50 kicks at goal, every one finds the back of the net. Paul Jewel is watching in the stands and walks down to talk to the young man."How old are you son?" asks the Rams Boss"13" Replies the young fellow."Well I am very impressed with your shooting" continues Jewel "and I must say if you continue in this vein of form, when you get older you may be good enough to play for the Derby 1st team""Fuck off" said our hero "it"s bad enough being Welsh"
What did Paul McCartney give his wife for christmas?A pair of tights... oh, and a pair of scissors.
When my grandfather was ill, my grandmother used to rub lard on his back.After that, he went downhill very quickly.
Why are monkeys so pissed off?Because in a few million years they will become black.
I"m up in court next week, accused of raping a virgin twice.But I"m pleading not guilty on the grounds that she wasn"t a virgin the second time I raped her.
Am I alone in thinking it ironic that the British Muslim suicide bombers made videos demanding that we get out of their lands?
I"ve tried to help childless couples by making anonymous donations of my sperm.However, I"ve now been told I should really be doing this through a clinic and not straight through their letterboxes.
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I wish I had bigger tits". The boyfriend says "well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months". "How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend."Well it worked for your ass" says the boyfriend.
Went to check into a hotel the other day. I asked for a suite with a view and the smart arse gave me a polo mint !
Kate and Gerry McCann have said they will never forgive themselves for going to the tapas bar that fateful night.The Chinese round the corner was doing a buffet for half the price.
Note to anyone planning to visit America...their fannies are around the back, and men have them too...and it is advisable not to ask any guy if you can bum a fag from him.
Went on holiday with my girlfriend the other week, we drove over the Downs.I just love to visit special schools.
My old nan is getting a bit doddery. I went to see her last week, and as soon as I walked in she said, "oh Arthur! Is it you?"I said, "no, nan, grandad died 20 years ago. It"s me, bleary."She carried on: "Oh Arthur, how I"ve missed you so!""Nan! Grandad is dead! I"m your grandson!""Come over here, so I can give you a kiss""I"m not him you daft bitch!""And then, bend me over the kitchen table and throw one into me, the way you used to when we were youngsters.""...Oh Agnes, I"ve missed you so much!"
Essex woman is being driven home and asks her boyfriend to kiss her somewhere wet and warm.He says its too late to go to Canvey Island.
I don"t know why people are against human-animal hybrid embryos. I mean, how else are we going to get monkey butlers?
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I"m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I"m afraid I"ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man"s table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I"ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I"ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I"ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I"ll break one of your arms!" The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird"s rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"
A man walks down the street and sees a sign outside of a restaurant advertising that the chef will prepare anything no matter how unusual it might be. The man walks inside and tells the waiter, "I want a big steaming plate of shit." The waiter replies, "I"m sorry sir, we can"t do that, that"s impossible." The man reminds him about what the sign out front said. The waiter sighs and says says he will go and talk to the chef. The waiter goes back to the kitchen and explains the man"s odd request. The chef agrees and he and the waiter drop their trousers and shit on a plate. The waiter takes the plate out to the man. Five minutes later, the waiter returns to the kitchen covered from head to toe in shit. The chef asks, "What the hell just happened?" The waiter replies, "He said there was a hair in it!"
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? ... A: Well hung.
Why did the nigger cross the road?Who the fuck cares? Why was he out of the cotton fields?
Due to the large amount of landmines in Africa, they seem to have an unfair advantage in their entries to the Paralympics.
Responding to reports revealing that Jade Goody"s cancer is, "worse than first expected, has spread further than initially thought and her recovery odds have dropped from 95 per cent to slightly better than 50 per cent."A spokesperson at the hospital has said, "doctors worked throughout the night to try and decide who would get the chance to tell her."
Two gays, Rupert and Cecil, are lying in bed together when Rupert starts rubbing Vaseline into his chest.Cecil says, "what are you doing?"Rupert says, "I read in Falcon magazine that Vaseline stimulates hair growth and I want a nice hairy chest.."To which Cecil says, "don"t be so fucking stupid - if that was true I would have a ponytail growing out of my arse."
What did Little Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussain have in common?Both had Kurds in their way.
A man gets home from work early one day and catches his wife in bed naked but alone.Being a little suspicious, he decides to look about the bedroom and, on entering the en suite bathroom, he catches a guy standing there totally naked.He says, "what the hell is going on here?"The guy replies, "it"s okay: I"m from the council, we have had a report that you have a moth infestation."The husband says, "but you"ve got no clothes on!"The guy begins to beat himself down furiously saying, "the little bastards."