Deprecated: mysql_pconnect(): The mysql extension is deprecated and will be removed in the future: use mysqli or PDO instead in /home/gordondent/hahasincludes/libs/dblib.php on line 17 HaHas.co.uk | Ha HA Jokes
The atmosphere at Sunderland matches is brilliant and everybody knows each other.I suppose that"s one advantage of inbreeding.
What do you call a Scouser in a university?Caretaker
A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he"s drinking.He says, "Magic beer. You want one?""Aw, that"s stupid. There"s no such thing" she says."Look, I"ll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window."That"s incredible! I don"t believe it!" she says."Hey barkeep, throw me another one o" them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again."Here, you try it" he says to the blonde.She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground - breaking both her legs - and begins screaming in pain.The bartender says, "Superman, you"re a real bastard when you"re drunk."
What do you show to a woman who has been driving accident-free for 10 years?..Second gear.
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.One says to the other, "jeez, i"d really like to dance with that girl."The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don"t be a chickenshit."So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i"m sorry. right now i"m contemplating on matrimony, and i"d rather sit than dance."So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.The drunk responded, "she said she"s constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."
Gordon Brown goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get aroused."The doctor replies, "I"m not surprised...you"re a cunt."
So, Charlton Heston has died.Suppose we can get that gun off him now.
Why don"t Jews shower?They"re not falling for that again!
Jordan has told her new boyfriend that she wants an all white wedding
"great" he said "cos that little fat cunt Harvey gives me the creeps
My love life is fantastic. I"ve no problems in that department. It"s three times a night for me.I just wish my wife would stop interrupting by knocking on the cellar door.
Condoms aren"t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Wanna hear a joke?
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"Dad says, "You are my son, I"m confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That"s confidential."
Never date a tennis player; to them love means nothing.
Q: How do you starve a mexican?
A: Hide his food stamps under his work boots.
Finally Al Jazeera have launched there new TV channel to be called Taliban TV - programmes are to include:1) Middle - Eastenders2) I"m a terrorist get me out of here!3) Ready, Steady Bang4) Pimp my Camel5) Only Paki"s on CamelsAnd there X.X.X. Rated program called "show us your face..!"
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. "It"s possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."(The Daily Telegraph)
I was sat on a bus with a mate and he told me the following joke:What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?Throw in your washing.The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that"s disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
What"s the chav next door getting for Christmas? Your bike.
Sing a song of incest,Imprisoned for a while.3 inbreds and their mother,And a paedophile.When the door was opened,the kids began to sing.That dirty rotten bastard,Fucked us up the ring.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.I didn"t know what to make of it.
My name is Miles, but people call me Kilometres for short.
Paddy and Murphy are piloting a glider when Paddy turns and says, "hey, Murphy, if I turn this plane upside down, will we fall out?"To which Murphy replies, "don"t be so stupid, we"ve been friends for years."
I don"t see why everyone says Barak Obama is such an advocate for "change"..His "Yes We Can" motto was being used years ago by Bob the Builder..
After a hard day at the office, Karen comes home to find all the lights out in the house. She walks in wondering, "what"s going on?"Suddenly, all the lights come on and everyone comes out of their hiding places and shouts, "SURPRISE!"Shocked to find her husband and all his work colleagues there, she says, "it"s not my birthday.""I know it"s not, love," her husband says. "It"s a gang rape."
Apparantly the producers of Big Brother wanted to re-vamp the show, to give it a more sexy, sophisticated look. They also wanted to include more ethnic minorities in the show.I wish they would make up their fucking minds.
A man drives into a petrol station and the attendant comes out to fill up the car. Looking into the back of the car the attendant sees 2 penguins and he says to the man, "what are they doing there?"The man replies, "I found the by the side of the road and I don"t know what to do with them""Why don"t you take them to the zoo?" says the attendant. "What a great idea" says the man, pays for his petrol and drives offThe next day the man returns to the petrol station and the attendant comes out again to fill up the car, he looks into the back and sees the penguins are still there, "I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!" he says,"I did" replied the man, "We had a great time. We"re off to the museum now!"
John Terry and Andy Murray are to train together next week, Terry will teach Murray how not to hit the net and Murray will show Terry how to hit the ball into the net.
What"s difference between Smarties and Muslim extremists?Smarties don"t explode in the tube.
Manchester United have cancelled their open-top tour bus.A spokesman said that, after paying so much getting to Moscow, you can"t expect fans to travel all the way to Manchester too.