Random Jokes - HaHas.co.uk

• A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.While they were walking through the barn, the farmer"s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.The priest noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.Curious, the priest later asked the farmer what that was all about.The farmer replied, "The women would say, "What a terrible tragedy" and I would nod my head and say, "Yes, it was.""The men would ask, ""You wanna sell that mule?" and I would shake my head and say, "Can"t. It"s all booked up for a year."
• Why do the Japanese have slanty eyes?Have you seen the glare from an H bomb?
• What do you call four sheep tied to a lamp post?A leisure centre in Cardiff!
• Strike back at Islam.Run into your local mosque with 20 pounds of pork sausages strapped to your chest.
• What"s the difference between a washing machine and a 16 yr old girl?A washing machine does not follow you around for a fortnight saying it loves you after you"ve dumped your load in it!
• What do you do when you see 100 dead Arabs?Laugh and reload!
• My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles.I said she would look fucking stupid without any ears.
• I hate church.The last time I went, they tried to drown me!
• Scottish Police today said a third Pakistani was seen going out at the rear of the terminal. Police are pleased to report they got the cunt going again with some petrol and wood!
• What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in the bath?Throw your washing in.
• While waiting to finalise their Australian residental status, two Afghanistani men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life.True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second, "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules, and we own a Holden VK Commodore."The second man replies "Fuck off, ya towelhead."
• My gran accidentally emailed me some sexual pictures today. It was so embarassing. I can"t believe we did all that when we were drunk!
• So yesterday was the 10th September, known as The Big Bang Day.And today 11th September, how about : The Two Big Bangs Day.
• Paddy & Mick go down to the local job centre, but theres a big sign on the door saying "Interviews for deaf people only". Never the less they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "shut the door". He does, and the man says to Paddy.."you"re not deaf at all. get out". Anyway, Paddy comes out and tells Mick whatever you do don"t shut the door. Mick goes into the office, and the interviewer says the same. "shut the door". Mick replies "No, shut it yourself"
• What"s the definition of eternity?The time between when you cum and when she leaves.
• Stockings and suspenders.Crotchless panties.Micro miniskirt.See through blouse.Carlsberg don"t make School Uniforms.........
• what do you do once you've raped a deaf girl? cut off her hands so she can't tell anyone
• After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week, I finally got to the counter and the woman looked at me and said, "I"m really sorry about your wait."In a rattled state, I replied, "you"re not so fucking skinny yourself, actually."
• I got into an argument with this thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, "I know where you live." I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for Royal Mail Parcelforce, so his threat almost certainly isn"t true.
• One night a Protestant man was standing in a field burning Catholics, it was pretty late and it was a huge fire. A police man sees the fire and walks over to the man with the gas can, the officer sees all the dead bodies and says o the man shocked "What are you doing!!??", the protestant man smiles and says "bout" 15 to the gallon"
• My mate got 5 years for falling asleep on the job.That sounds a bit harsh, but he was a burglar.
• 80% of Big Brother applicants are between 16 and 24.The rest have a significantly higher IQ.
• What is the biggest problem for an atheist ?No one to talk to during orgasm.
• So Gary Glitter has been released from prison,Russia are invading Georgia,And it looks like we might be heading for another recession,And just when you think it"s all doom and gloom, there is a ray of hope..... At least Jade Goody has Cancer.
• Karen Matthews should be on the sex offenders register.Being as ugly as her surely offends people of all sexes.
• Two women meet in the afterlife. Following is the conversation they had.1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.2nd woman: Hi! I"m Sylvia. How"d you die?1st woman: I froze to death.2nd woman: How horrible!1st woman: It wasn"t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.1st woman: So, what happened?2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.1st woman: Too bad you didn"t look in the freezer ... we"d both still be alive.
• My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant for dinner. It was a nice meal and we were ordering dessert. I asked the waiter how much the pie was. "£3.14 sir," he replied. "That's funny," I chuckled. "What's that sir?" He asked. "That Down's syndrome boy just tried to hug a heater and burnt himself." We both had a good laugh.
• I feel terrible, I"ve just kicked the shit out my wife for absolutely no reason......... I am so ashamed of myself, I have reassured her next time I will definitely have a reason.
• A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he"s drinking.He says, "Magic beer. You want one?""Aw, that"s stupid. There"s no such thing" she says."Look, I"ll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window."That"s incredible! I don"t believe it!" she says."Hey barkeep, throw me another one o" them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again."Here, you try it" he says to the blonde.She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground - breaking both her legs - and begins screaming in pain.The bartender says, "Superman, you"re a real bastard when you"re drunk."
• Had a spaz attack in the shower the other day. Wasn"t all bad though - half of Britain think I"ve got talent.