Random Jokes - HaHas.co.uk

• GOLF TERMS EXPLAINEDA Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runnerA Paris Hilton - an expensive holeA Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footerA Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footerA Salman Rushdie - an impossible readA Rio Ferdinand - Lipped outA Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn"tA Cuban - needs one more revolutionAn Elton John - a big bender that lips the rimAn Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunkerA Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sandA Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfectA Kate Moss - bit thinA Gerry Adams - playing a ProvisionalA David Trimble - tentative prodA Glen Miller - kept low and didn"t make it over the waterAn Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor resultA Russell Grant - a fat ironA Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable ironA Rodney King - over-clubbedAn O.J. Simpson - got away with itA Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a goodrunnerA Princess Grace - should have taken a driverA Princess Di - shouldn"t have taken a driverA Robin Cook - just died on the hillA Michael Jackson - gradually fadingA Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn"t have the legsAn Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but youA Ken Livingstone - quite far leftA Jean-Marie LePen - a long way rightA Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seemsA condom - safe but didn"t feel real goodA circus tent - a BIG topAn Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a resultA Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you"re not expecting itA Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the targetA sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn"t be
• Last year ChildLine received 2.3 million phone calls from distressed children.I hope they asked the bill payers permission beforehand, if I ever caught my son using the phone I"d beat the fucker until he was black and blue.
• Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the fuck is a potato clock?"And Paddy says, "I don"t know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said "You"d better get a potato clock.""
• It has emerged that Paula Yates was being considered for the position of England Cricket coach at the time of her death.The English Cricket Board believed that her experience of fucking Australians and bringing home the ashes would be invaluable.
• My friend recently had a miscarriage. But look on the bright side: Slimmer of the Month.
• Q: What's the best part about 6 year old girls? A: After you're done with them, you can turn them over and use them as 6 year-old boys!
• Police digging at the Jersey Childrens" home have found Michael Jackson"s other glove.
• How do you know if a chinese man robbed your house?Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later he is still trying to back out of your driveway
• Slightly old joke but worth re telling...David Copperfield is at a "Corporate" do, he"s impressing everyone with his card tricks, makes everyone go "wow" when he makes Claudia Schiffer dissappear and re appear etc etc ad infinitem. At the end of the act he gets a standing ovation, steps up to the microphone and asks the audience if anyone would like to show him a trick. One guys stands up and says "I know one". So David asks him to show the Audience."Ok" says the guy "for this trick I need the assistance of the very lovely Claudia Schiffer" So claudia walks over to the guys table. "Please put your hands palm down on the table, and whatever happens don"t move" he says, which she does. He then walks behind her, lifts up her dress, whips down her knickers, pulls his cock out and starts to hump her from behind."Hey" says Copperfield after a couple of minutes, "That"s not a trick""No," says the man "But it is magic"
• If a boxer at the Paralympics is having trouble meeting his weight limit..can he just chop a bit more off?
• First the prostitutes and now the turkeys... Not much chance of getting a gobble in Suffolk now then.
• I was at home last week when I spotted 2 burglars in my garden shed.I phoned the police and was told that no squad car could get to my house for at least 20 minutes! I hung up and then 5 minutes later I rang back saying "There is no need for the squad car now, I"ve shot them both"!!!Within 2 minutes there were four squad cars and an fully armed response unit outside, and they caught the burglars red handed!When the chief came up to me he said "I thought you said you"d shot them"?To which I replied..."And I thought you said there were no police in the area"!!!!!
• What have the England Football team and Maddie McCann got in common?They both get fucked over by Europeans on a regular basis
• Nine megs for the secretaries fair, Seven megs for the hackers scarce, Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, Three megs for system source; One disk to rule them all, One disk to bind them, One disk to hold the files And in the darkness grind 'em.
• One day, the Pope ended his sermon with the Latin phrase "Tuti Homini" which means "blessed be mankind".The next Sunday, a women"s activist group came up and said, "well, you blessed mankind why not womankind?" So the pope ended his sermon the next Sunday with "Tuti Homini et Tuti Feminini", "blessed be mankind and blessed be womankind".The next Sunday, a gay rights group came up and said, "well, you blessed mankind and womankind, what about us gays, you fuckin prick? Are you going bless us too?"At the end of the next sermon he says, "Tuti Homini et Tuti Feminini et Tuti Fruiti."
• How do you know when you are at an Alabama wedding?Everyone sits on the same side of the church
• Did you hear about the spastic who won the disco dancing contest?He only walked across the stage to buy an ice cream.
• One day while her husband is out working, a bored housewife decides to clean out the attic. While up there, she finds an antique mirror, which she decides would look good in the bed room.30 minutes later, she"s cleaning the mirror when she finds a hidden inscription saying: Magic mirror: speak in rhyme and a wish will be thine.Sure it is she thinks with a laugh. But never-the-less decides to try it."Mirror Mirror in my hand, my breasts I wish to expand, the size I want is 44, please do not make them more."to her amazement, her breast start growing, and growing, and growing.Thinking that her husband will absolutely love her new assets, she decides to lay on the bed naked, and wait for him to come home. Upon arriving, he"s is astounded by her new breast size! "Wow, how did this happen?!?" Happily, she re-counts the story of the magic mirror.Not to be outdone, her husband walks over to the mirror and rhymes: "Mirror Mirror on the wall, my dick is very small, if it could just touch the floor, I"d be happy evermore", suddenly his legs got shorter... and shorter... and shorter...
• Jade Goody just released a statement: "We ain"t fucking racist. We got a coloured telly."
• Two Drums and a Cymbal fall off a cliff....Badoom Boom Tshhhhhhh
• Disability jokes are not funny. I"ve got a friend in a wheelchair who just can"t stand it.
• How do you kill a spastic?Give him a knife and say "whos the best?"mememememememe
• My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "we need to talk about our future."I said, "yeah, it"s gonna be fucking mental - we"ll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"I"m now single.
• What do you call a Scottish cloak room attendant?Angus McCoatup
• What have a duck, a pelican and the Inland Revenue got in common?They can all stick their bills up their arse!
• this old couple are walking around a car boot sale , when they notice on a stall-an offer of 5 toilet brushes for a fiver, both impressed they buy the toilet brushes, the following week the old lady is again on the car boot-and she passes the same stall when the owner says "How are you getting on with those toilet brushes?" and the little old dear says " Well i"m persevering , but the old man"s gone back to paper"
• Paddy and Murphy fall down a well."Dark down here, ain"t it?" says Paddy."I don"t know, I can"t see a thing," says Murphy.
• Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.A big poster at the front reads "Two Blackmen wanted for rape!"Paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".
• Two male firefighters are having sex in a smoke filled room. Their chief bursts in through the door and says, "holy fuck, what are you two guys up to?"One of the firefighters looks up and says, "John"s suffering from smoke inhalation, sir!"The chief says, "well, why aren"t you administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?""I did sir," replies the firefighter. "How the fuck do you think this got started?"
• Liverpool FC have made two new signings - a Japanese lad and an Italian. Rafa Benitez says they should fit in well with Liverpool"s style.Their names?Nickamotor and Robatelli.