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A tramp is having a shag in the cemetery.Another tramp comes along and says "hey, can I have a go?""Fuck off, cunt, go dig your own up."
I don"t know why everyone says George Bush is stupid.His wars have killed more Americans than any terrorist could ever dream of.
A tramp walks into a jewellers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The sales assistant shouts at him "Stop what you"re doing and get out!" The tramp says "You want to make your fucking minds up, you"ve a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort."
What upsets a Muslim more than insulting his prophet? His sister refusing him sex.
Roses are red,Violets are blue,I"m using my hand,But I"m thinking of you.
Is it safe to say I quite fancy Kate McCann yet?
Women are like squaring numbers.If they are under 13, just do them in your head.
These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.2. He"s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can"t take it anymore.3. it"s the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can"t get BBC2.
It"s amazing how some people have double standards.I was out with my friend last week and a bird shit on my head, and when it happens to me he"s killing himself laughing. He finds it funny.Oh, but when the tables are turned...and I shit on a birds head, apparently it"s "wrong" and we "can"t be friends anymore".
what do you call 500 white men running down a hill ?? an avalanchewhat do you call 500 indians running down a hill ?? a mud-slidewhat do you call 500 blacks running down a hill ?? JAILBREAK
Since getting rid of his nasty, abusive wife, Stephen Hawking decided to join a computer dating agency.After submitting all of his details and running the report, he was matched up with a Commodore 64.
Liverpool FC have made two new signings - a Japanese lad and an Italian. Rafa Benitez says they should fit in well with Liverpool"s style.Their names?Nickamotor and Robatelli.
How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?When she has a tampon behind her ear and can"t find her pencil
After a motorway pile up the rescue services approach a car with a man in the front seat. The man is screaming and shouting.In an attempt to calm the situation one of the rescue staff says "Calm down, it could be worse. Your wife, for example, was thrown out of the front windscreen and onto the road."The man replies "Yeah! But did you see what she had in her fucking mouth?!"
Another shit joke about cancer?Oh goody
My mate Jim doesn"t eat meat anymore.I think the turning point was probably last Tuesday when he died.
Just got back from the World Strawberry Picking Championships. Lost in the final to a girl with no legs.Jammy cunt.
What does the sign say above the nursery in a Muslim maternity ward?"Live ammunition."
What do the Chinese take before elections?Viagla
SHOWBIZ NEWS:Amir Khan is in talks with Hollywood producers over making a sequel to "Gone in 60 Seconds"
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Oxford Street and says, "I haven"t eaten anything in four days." She looks at him and says, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
it takes 17 muscles to smile but it only takes 1 finger to show the world how you feel
I ran downstairs when I heard my gran screaming. She was kneeling on the floor clutching her chest. I thought she was having a heart attack or something.Turns out she was just kneeling on her tits.
What does Lucy Pinder do with a cucumber?Eat it you dirty cunt
What"s the best way to give your dog a bone?Tickle his balls.
Why did the leper get kicked out of the army?He kept going into battle unarmed.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife....
While playing cards last night I was accused of cheating.Apparently lipstick on my collar gave me away.
A couple want to have a bash at anal sex, but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first."Anal sex is perfectly safe," says her doctor, "as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant. And you take care not to get pregnant, of course.""What?" says the woman incredulously, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?""Certainly," replies the doc, "where do you think chavs come from?"
Had to laugh when I heard the swimming commentator say, "this gold medal will be taken by who ever wants it enough."In which case, I"m planning on breaking into the winner"s house and stealing it.