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If any members of the Chinese Government or Olympic Organisers are reading this, I would like to make this firm statement on behalf of myself and millions of other Britons- We don"t give a fuck about Tibet. Now please get the beach volleyball started.
I was sitting at the bottom of our back yard last night, and whilst gazing heavenwards, I watched the moon as it crossed the sky - like an amber chariot.I saw the stars scattered in space - like diamonds sprinkled on dark blue velvet.I thought - how insignificant we are compared to the vastness of the universe.I also thought..................It"s about time I got a fucking roof put on this outside toilet!-------------------------The late, great Les Dawson
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.A young, student nurse appears in his room to give him a partial sponge bath."Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don"t know, Sir. I"m only here to wash your upper body and feet."He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testiclesin the other. Then she takes a close look. On first glance there seems to be nothing wrong. But she doesn"t want to make a mistake. Just to be sure, she switches hands and does a thorough inspection.Finally she is satisfied. She says, "There"s nothing wrong with them, Sir! They look white to me!"The man pulls off his oxygen mask, hesitates for a moment to make sure he can breathe properly. Then he smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but I"m not sure you understood me. I said, "Are my test results back?""
Since getting rid of his nasty, abusive wife, Stephen Hawking decided to join a computer dating agency.After submitting all of his details and running the report, he was matched up with a Commodore 64.
Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven?Because if they all went, it would be hell.
General Custer is standing on a hill overlooking the Little Big Horn. In the distance he can hear Sitting Bull"s braves pounding on their drums.He turns to a little Geordie soldier in his ranks, "listen" he says, "they have war drums."The Geordie replies, "why, man! The fuckin", thievin" bastards..."
What did Princess Di turn into at midnight?A wall.
What do you do when you"ve just seen a Muslim have an epileptic fit ?Stop recording and upload the video on to Youtube
Half of relationships end because of bad sex.Mine however ended because of good sex... With another Woman.
What do you get if you cross a Mac with a nun?A computer that will never go down on you.
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It"s dark in here, isn"t it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It"s dark in here, isn"t it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy"s father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we"ll play some catch." "I can"t. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That"s thievery! I"m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It"s dark in here, isn"t it?" "Don"t you start that in here," the priest says.
For a die-hard Tottenham supporter I haven"t been able to get to many Spurs games this season, but at least I can still say that I haven"t missed a goal.
Due to cold snowy weather conditions expected soon, the Met office has issued a statement , a spokesman said "Make sure that when you drive , that you always carry a flask and a spade, this way you can have a hot drink, while the spade pushes your car!"
I witnessed the start of a brutal gang rape last night, but turned away.I couldn"t bear to look at five cocks, all bigger than mine.
Q. How many ears does Spock have? A. 3. A left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.
Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity.
Once there was this really scummy bloke travelling on a bus, when a nun got on and sat right in front of him. She was quite good looking, so he leaned over to her and said, "I really want to fuck you in the arse!" She went bright red, and got off at the next stop.When the bloke was getting off the bus, the driver said, "hey, mate, I noticed the nun got off a couple of stops early, what did you say to her?"The bloke replied, "oh, I just told her I wanted to fuck her in the arse."The driver thought for a minute, then said, "well, if you"re still interested, I happen to know she walks through the park down the road there every night at about six o"clock."The bloke thanked the driver for the info then went on his way.When he got home, he thought to himself, "she"ll never fuck a scumbag like me." So he got dressed up as Jesus.That evening, he was hiding in the bushes when the nun came wandering through the park. He leapt out and cried, "g"day. I"m Jesus, and I want to fuck you in the arse!"The nun replied, "well, seeing as how you"re Jesus, I suppose you"d better."So the bloke got his cock out, and proceeded to fuck the nun up the arse. But after he"d finished, he was feeling a bit guilty. So he said, "actually, love, I"m not really Jesus, I"m that rude bloke off the bus earlier."The nun replied, "that"s okay, I"m not really the nun, I"m the bus driver!"
I was round Liverpool the other day when some scousers started squaring up to us."Pretend we"re the police," my mate whispered to me.They kicked the shit out of me before I even got to the chorus!
Apparantly the producers of Big Brother wanted to re-vamp the show, to give it a more sexy, sophisticated look. They also wanted to include more ethnic minorities in the show.I wish they would make up their fucking minds.
I was watching on the news that Iceland is in economic turmoil.That"s what happens when Kerry Katona does your advertising.
What do you show to a woman who has been driving accident-free for 10 years?..Second gear.
Celebrity parents everywhere have been congratulating Josef Fritzl on his unusual but successful attempt at forcing fame on his children.
Everytime I see you, I smile.When you walk, I laugh.When you speak, I get excited.For some reason, retarded people amuse the fuck out of me.
Elton John has never owned a parrot, but he has had a Cockatoo.
If we"d known that they"d cause this much trouble, we"d have picked the fucking cotton ourselves!
What's brown and hides in the attic?
The diarrhea of Anne Frank
What do you call a bunch of retards falling down a flight of stairs?A freak accident.
Happy 4th July to all our American friends. Or is that Happy 7/4.Either way, why not celebrate by eating lots of cakes and downing as many Budweisers as you can, and with a bit of luck a few more of you will be dead from coronary artery disease this time next year.
Does Special Branch deal with crimes done by retards?
An Englishman stops Paddy for directions "Excuse me pal, what"s the quickest way to Dublin?" Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?" The Englishman says "In the car." Paddy replies "That"s the quickest!"