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I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.Next morning, she rang and said, "what are you doing with your life?"
How many Polish people does it take to clean a toilet?None - that"s a nigger"s job.
What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?AIDS.
91% of people over 60 believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past.Silly old fuckers.
Michael Barrymore has been sacked from this years Panto of Snow White because of his mood swings.One minute he"d be feeling Happy, and the next minute he"d come all over Grumpy.
When four of Santa"s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.This stressed Santa even more.When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In hisfrustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn"t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.
Finding funny, kind and attractive women is hard and getting one of them to sleep with you even harder. You can understand the temptation to use drugs like rohypnol; which apparently enable you to do whatever you like to any woman.I found it just made me really sleepy.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.The circus owner tells them, "I"m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you"re history. Here"s your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"The girl says, "I"ll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion"s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, thighs, and pussy, and then rests his head at her feet.The circus owner"s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I"ve never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?""No problem," replies the young man, "just get that fucking lion out of the way."
90% of all men masturbateThe other 10% don"t have arms.
Is there life after death?Of course there is.I killed my wife.And I"m still here.
My love life is fantastic. I"ve no problems in that department. It"s three times a night for me.I just wish my wife would stop interrupting by knocking on the cellar door.
I took my dog for a moonlit walk along the beach last night......and yet she still claims I"m incapable of romance!
I really admire Amir Khan for setting an example to the Paki society.At least he knows his fucking place!...on the floor with a fat lip!
A black guy gets invited to a fancy dress party. Needing an outfit, he goes to a costume shop.He asks a female assistant for help."I need a costume for a party, please.""Okay, sir, how about this?" says the assistant, presenting the black man with a Father Christmas suit."Don"t be stupid, I"m not going as a black Santa!" replies the black man."Okay, well how about this one then?" She shows the black man a fluffy white snowman costume."No! I"m not going as snowman either! I"m black! Don"t you understand?" shouts the rather annoyed black man."Fine!" says the assistant as she hands the black man a plank of wood."What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?" he asks."Stick it up your arse and go as a choc ice!"
I"ve just had a Charity appeal letter from Greenpeace. Apparently for two pounds a week, I can help save the environment. Why don"t you stop sending me appeal letters, that will save a few trees you cunts?
Paddy is driving home, pissed as a fart. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over because he"s swerving all over the road, so Paddy tells him about all of the trees in the road. The cop says, "for fuck"s sakes, Paddy, that"s your air freshner."
A lot of Suicide bombers are Muslims - I don"t blame them... I too would kill myself if I was a Muslim.
A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.A woman approaches him and offers to fuck his brains out for £5.The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the £5. She leads him into a bush and they get under way.A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking.He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he"s doing.The man replies calmly, "I"m just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?"The officer responds, "I"m sorry, sir, I didn"t realise it was your wife."The man quickly replies, "that"s quite alright, officer - until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I".
Seen on a menu in ScotlandVegetarian Option - Fuck off
A 13 year old lad says to his 13 year old girl friend, "Toss me off". The girl says "I don"t know how - what do i do?"The lad says "imagine your shaking up a bottle of coke like when you were younger".The girl starts doing it and a couple of minutes in, her boyfriend has tears rolling down his cheeks. The girl says "What"s wrong?"The lad replies "Take your fucking thumb off the end of it"
FOR SALE : one spare ticket to the premier of Batman The Dark Knight.
A plane takes off from Thailand with Gary Glitter on board. It stops at China to pick up Gordon Brown, before diverting to India to pick up Jade Goody.It arrives to Madrid where the passengers change to a Spanair flight to the Canary Islands.Carlsberg don"t do plane crashes
Dr. Who lands the TARDIS on planet Earth way back in the Dark Ages, in a faraway land we now call Bangladesh."Where the bleedin" hell are we?" asks his companion, Donna."Well," replies the Doctor, leaving the Tardis and walking around, "judging by that disgusting smell and the fact that we appear to be surrounded by towelheads (little sheet heads) with no significant intelligence living in caves and mud huts... this is Bradford 2008!"
Tottenham FC are to start wearing their squad numbers on the front of their shirts.This is to make the supporters think that the team are actually attacking.
Did you hear about the young queer who left home? ... Just because he didn't like the way he was being 'reared'.
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
I found out that condoms are not one hundred percent effective.Please don"t make the same mistake I did. Always double bag your coke before swallowing!
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can piss straight with a light on!