Random Jokes - HaHas.co.uk
- Q - How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A - Two, but God only knows how they got in there!
A - None ... they let the light of God shine through.
- A Jew and a nigger jump off a building to see who will hit the ground first. Who wins?
- I can sum myself up in three words.Kind, funny, smart and good with numbers.
- 91% of people over 60 believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past.Silly old fuckers.
- I"ve got a fantastic memory...I can still remember the day a giant tadpole was banging me on the head.
- After constant critisism of his wife David Beckham has sprung to her defence."She"s worth her weight in gold." he is quoted as saying.So that"ll be £4.36 then David.
- I was standing in a queue at a supermarket checkout with my young son and in front of us is a huge fat woman.Suddenly she gets a text message and her mobile phone starts bleeping."Look out," shouts my son, "she"s reversing!"
- At Pizza Express, you can now get garlic bread with cheese and tomato.Correct me if I"m wrong, but isn"t that a pizza?
- A man was prescribed some suppositories.A couple of days later he met his doctor in the street."I hope you"re taking your suppositories regularly, Mr Jones," says the doctor."What do you think I"ve been doing, sticking them up my fucking arse?"
- 2 French Males have been murdered in London.It"s so sad.....2 down.....65Million to go.
- Happy 4th July to all our American friends. Or is that Happy 7/4.Either way, why not celebrate by eating lots of cakes and downing as many Budweisers as you can, and with a bit of luck a few more of you will be dead from coronary artery disease this time next year.
- Why did Kate McCann bury her daughter?Gerry was too busy wanking!
- I love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice.99% sound, 1% advice.
- The good die young...oh boy maddie was good!
- New from Russia - John Terry Vodka...Bottled in Moscow.
- Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."Ralph was stunned. "I"m dead? No, I can"t be! I"ve got too much to live for. Send me back!"St. Peter said, "I"m sorry, but there"s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.A rooster strolled past. "So, you"re the new hen, huh? How"s your first day here?""Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I"m gonna explode!""You"re ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don"t tell me you"ve never laid an egg before." "Never," said Ralph."Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It"s no big deal."Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You"re shitting in the bed!"
- Eminem"s tour of Ireland is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Irish for himself."
- I"ve got a summons because I put a fag out in the street.I was unaware I had to give my tenants 3 months notice
- 90% of all men masturbateThe other 10% don"t have arms.
- A couple on their honeymoon are just preparing to get into bed together when the wife says to the hubby, "darling I have a confession to make to you, I used to be a hooker."The husband thought for a moment and said, "actually, I find that a bit of a turn on, tell me about it."She replied, "well, my name was Graham and I played for Wigan."
- Wife comes home from doing the shopping one day and sees her husband sitting on the sofa with a hairdryer blowing on his cock.The wife asks, "What the hell are you doing?"The husband replies, "Just heating up your dinner!"
- Why don"t nigger kids play in the sandbox?Cats keep covering them up.
- Israel are considering pulling out of the Beijing Olympics due to the smoggy air conditions.The Chinese government says "it"s just harmless mist".An Israeli spokesman says " we are not falling for that one again "
- If war was to break out in Europe, this time I think the loser should be made to keep France.
- Last night I was horny and the Mrs was up on blocks, so I snuck into my 13 year old daughters room. "Do you want to be like mummy and make daddy happy?" I asked. "Sure" she said, so I slipped my trousers off and quick as a flash she said "I"ve got a headache and before you think about putting that anywhere near me I need some new shoes".Bitch.
- A drunk is stumbling through the woods on his way home when he comes across a vicar baptising people in a river. As the drunk approaches the vicar asks if he would like to find Jesus.The drunk agrees and wades into the river.The vicar dunks him, and asks "Have you found jesusNo replies the drunkThe vicar dunks him again this time for a bit longer, have you found him now he asksNo replies the drunkLord give me strength says the vicar and dunks the drunk until he starts gasping in the water.Have you found him now asks the vicarNo replies the drunk. Are you sure this is where he fell in?
- Not just anyone can win an Oscar these days; you have to be willing to die for one.
- How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?Four - one to change the bulb, one to obtain an energy-saving bulb, one to carefully recycle the old bulb, and one to suck my cock.
- A man, who"s level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face."Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud."Screw it," he thought. "I"ll just crawl home."The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep."You went out drinking last night, didn"t you?" she said."Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?""You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
- Necrophilia... for rapists who can"t win a fight