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A young Jewish boy, was doing very badly in his maths lessons. His parents had tried everything to help: private tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, everything they could think of to help him improve. Finally, in a last ditch effort they took him down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, the little boy came home with a very serious look on his face. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. A couple of hours later she called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and hit the books as hard as before.This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, the little boy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. His mother nervously opened the report card and jumped for joy: her little boy had finally got an "A" in maths!She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" The little boy looked at her and shook his head: "No Mommy." "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" The little boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign and I knew then they weren"t screwing around..."
How do you stop a scouser from breaking into your house?Put a sign up saying "Job Vacancies"
What did Osama Bin Laden cook on Iron Chef?Big Apple Crumble.
I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.
Have you seen that advert on TV by the NSPCC? It"s got that girl on who"s scared to go home because her dad does things to her that she doesn"t like.Kids today, eh? Disrespectful, arrogant, rude AND frigid.
Why do black people make bad cowboys?Because every time there"s a hoe-down, they think their sister"s been shot.
Hi im a pc and windows 7 was my idea.
Hi im kate mcann and leaving windows open was my idea
What have Patrick Swayze and Stevie Wonder got in common?Neither of them will see Christmas!
Paddy and Murphy fall down a well."Dark down here, ain"t it?" says Paddy."I don"t know, I can"t see a thing," says Murphy.
At the World Women"s Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year"s conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."The crowd cheered.The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year"s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."The crowd cheered.The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year"s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
What"s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for arseholes.
My girlfriend told me she was hoping for a white Christmas......So I spunked in her eyes!
The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us. He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone...
What happened when the pope went to Mount Olive?Popeye nearly killed him
Give a man a fish, you"ll feed him for a day. Give him a religion, and he"ll starve to death while praying for a fish.(ricky gervais)
I am looking forward to the Downs Syndrome 26 mile Cuddleathon
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I"m looking for a job."The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We"ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You"ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year."The scouser said, "You"re bullshitting me!"The man behind the counter replied, "Well, you bloody started it."
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don"t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line."How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?"Fifteen bucks," came the reply."And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" he added."What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!"The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result.When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks" to which the businessman replied "ok" and off they went.As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
John Prescott has revealed that he suffers from bulimia.He says the stress of his duties as Deputy Prime Minister drove him to gorge himself with food.And he was so busy, he kept forgetting to puke.
Why do lions lick each others arses?To get rid of the taste of nigger!
Why are the top jokes on this site like African Politicians?Because they have only got where they are because of dodgy multiple voting!
Mick: Do you have an idol?Paddy: Yes, my dad. I worship the ground he rolls on.Mick: Rolls? Is he in a wheelchair?Paddy: No, he"s an alchoholic.
A wise man once said, "you should treat your women the way you treat your vacuum cleaner - when it stops sucking, change the bag."
How many policemen does it take to smash an egg?None. It fell down the stairs.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21): Today you should go to your bedroom window and stand there naked for a minute, then turn around and stay there for another minute, you should do this especially if your name is Mrs Hughes and you live at 56, The Avenue, Clapham. Around 3.30 would be best for me.
Bill Clinton is walking down a corridor in the White House when he sees a pretty young girl walking towards him."Hello," he says "Are you new here?""Yes," she replies "I started yesterday.""Ah," answers Bill "I thought I hadn"t come across your face before."
Vanessa Feltz is to be a new judge on American Idol. Apparently she goes down well with the American Audience.Well, she is an ugly, fat bitch with no sense of humour or discernible personality.
Children these days can"t win. You get in trouble for refusing to take part in Muslim prayers during RE lessons, but when you try to show an understanding of Islam by drawing a nice picture of Mohammed in art lessons you get in trouble for that, too.
Bob is walking home when he sees a tramp begging for change. Feeling a bit sorry for the man, he gives him some change and begins to walk off."Thank you," says the homeless man. "It used to be so good for me but look at me now.""What do you mean?" asked Bob.The tramp replied, "I was a multi-millionaire, I had bank accounts all across the world with millions in. I had investments, bonds, stocks, shares and all sorts.""What happened, where did it go wrong?"The tramp replied, "forgot my fucking mother"s maiden name."
How does every Alzheimer"s joke start?Doesn"t really matter, we all know how they bloody end.