Random Jokes - HaHas.co.uk

• I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me.He asked to be paid under the table.
• These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you"re hungry, too. Why don"t you eat some of this cat?""Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat"s been dead for days, he"s all stiff and cold and smelly!"The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don"t feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you"re talkin"! It"s been months since I had a warm meal!"
• I mistook Tip-ex for Viagra... ended up with a massive correction
• British weather: it"s just like a Muslim; either Sunni or Shi"ite.
• My Grandad says his sex life is great. He says, since his girlfriend has been loosing her teeth, the blow-jobs have been fantastic...... May be a different story when her adult teeth start coming through though.
• What does the KKK and Nike have in common?They both make blacks run faster.
• It"s strange isn"t it ?You stand in the middle of the library and go "Aaaaaaaaargh!!" and everyone stares at you.But do it on a plane and everyone joins in.
• Whilst having sex with the wife last night, she told me to kiss her "somewhere dirty"So I took her to Slough.
• Q: Why did Hitler cry when he got to heaven? A: God gave him his gas bill.
• Two Irishmen are working in the park:The first guy in front digs a hole in the ground, while the guy behind comes in 2 minutes later and fills the holes back in.A woman who has noticed the peculiar behaviour of the two gents, can"t resist and walks over to ask them just what they are up to.The woman walks up and says to the first man, "excuse me, but why are you digging holes and the other guy comes along and fills them in?"The second guy interrupts and says "I think I can answer that...""The guy who plants the trees has called in sick today..."
• A lady who lived on a hillUsed dynamite sticks for a thrillThey found her vagina In North CarolinaAnd bits of her tits in Brazil
• What"s the difference between a western girl and a arab girl?The western girl gets stoned before she commits adultery.
• A couple has a dog that sleeps in their bedroom and snores. Annoyed because she can"t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog"s testicles and he will stop snoring."Yeah, right!" she thinks.A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog"s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband"s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his balls. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog"s balls.He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don"t know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"
• I used to be a necrophiliac... until the rotten cunt split on me
• Two Paki junkys injected Curry powder after they had run out of Heroin. Initial police reports say that one is in a Korma whilst the other one is stable with a dodgy Tikka.
• Why don"t the Spanish have driving lessons and sex education classes on the same day?Because it tires out the donkey...
• Its 11 am GMT and the American jokes are being voted down.Once again proving the fucking yanks have no sense of humour.
• My life ambition is to have a threesome.I haven"t achieved it yet although I did have sex with a pregnant woman......does that count?
• If the answer is "Cock Robin!".... what is the question:-What"s that you"ve got up my arse Batman?
• What do you call a white man surrounded by 10 black guys?Quarterback.What do you call a white man surrounded by 1000 black guys?Warden.
• A young boy comes home with an armchair under each arm and a sofa strapped to his back.His father is furious and says, "how many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers?"
• "Do you know what rohypnol smells like? No? ...Can I buy you a drink?"
• Apparently, small children can choke on nuts.In my experience, they gag on cock too.
• Saw my mate outside the Doctor"s today looking really worried."What"s the matter?" I asked."I"ve got the big C,"he said."What, cancer?""No, dyslexia."
• A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"
• It is better to have loved a short girl then to have never loved a tall.
• Prince Phillip and the Queen were dining in one of London"s top restaurants.The waiter comes over and asks what Phillip would like to order."I"ll have two rare steaks my good fellow."Waiter, "Does sir mean two bloody steaks?"Phillip, "Yes quite right old chap, two bloody steaks."Queen, "And plenty of fucking chips!"
• The Top Three Benefits Of Being Deaf:1. You never need to worry about finding a quiet place to read.2. Yes, people may be shouting insults at you behind your back, but who cares?3. You can communicate efficiently with Italians.
• Have you heard that Asda and MFI are forming a partnership?Yeah, I just bought a chicken from them - its leg fell off!
• What's clear and lies in the gutter? A Paki with the shit kicked out of him!