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A woman goes into a restaurant. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.Two guys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her.One drops his trousers and bends over and the other starts licking his butt.The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.The first guy pulls his trousers back up and says to the other "You"re right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."
What"s the difference between scouse kids and Austrian kids?At least the Austrian kids know who their dad is.
After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week, I finally got to the counter and the woman looked at me and said, "I"m really sorry about your wait."In a rattled state, I replied, "you"re not so fucking skinny yourself, actually."
What"s long, hard and hurts gypsies?My Shovel...
Did you know Heather McCartney did a hardcore porn film?A guy offered me the DVD.I said, "counterfeit?"He said, "one."
Why should you never run over a chav on a bike?It"s probably your bike.
A man walked into a pub with a sweating Ostrich under one arm and a sopping wet cat under the other and sat down at the bar."What can I get you?" asked the landlord."Pint of best bitter for me", said the man."Stella", said the Ostrich, fanning itself with a beer mat. "Is it me, or is it hot in here?""Pint of Guinness and I"m not buying." snarled the cat, shaking the water off it"s back."OK, that"ll be six pound twenty, please guv." said the landlord.The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him.Fifteen minutes later the landlord noticed their glasses were empty and asked, "Same again, guv?""No" said the man, "I think I"ll have a stella","And your, er - pets?""Pint of Stella", said the Ostrich. "And make sure it"s ice-cold. It"s roasting in here.""I"ll have a Pint of Guinness and I"m not fucking paying." said the cat. "And get me a towel, I"m soaking."The landlord complied and said: "That"ll be seven pound ten pence, please, guv."The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him.An hour later their glasses were empty again and the landlord walked over to them and asked:"What"ll you have?""I"ll have a vodka tonic", said the man."Double brandy on the rocks", said the Ostrich. "And make sure there"s plenty of ice in it. I"m burning up!""Pint of Guinness and I"m still not paying." said the cat. "And get me another towel, this one"s wringing wet!"The landlord complied and said: "OK. That"ll be nine pound twenty, please."The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him.By now the landlord"s curiosity had got the better of him and he asked:"Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?""I found this bottle on holiday in Turkey with a genie in it and she granted me three wishes."The landlord was intrigued. "May I ask what they were?""Certainly", replied the man. "My first wish was that I would always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I wanted to buy.""That"s a pretty clever wish. What were your other two wishes?""That"s where I blew it. I asked for a really hot bird with long legs and a tight, wet pussy."
David Beckham is in training with Ryan Giggs. They are both joking and messing about when a furious Alex Ferguson comes up to them to give them a piece of his mind."Lads, after todays performance you two can stay behind for extra training."Beckham and Giggs are gutted and then wait for the end of the session. Ferguson and the boys go home and it"s just the two of them."Let"s just go home," says Giggsy, "who will know?"So they both go home to their respective houses. Beckham goes upstairs to hear passionate moaning and screaming coming from the bedroom. Becks goes to investigate and puts his head round the door to see Fergie pumping away at Victoria and is horrified.The next day in training Beckham and Giggs are fucking around when Fergie tells them both to stay behind again.Giggs turns to Beckham and says, "Let"s just go home early again.""Fuck you," replies Beckham, "I nearly got caught yesterday."
what do you call 500 white men running down a hill ?? an avalanchewhat do you call 500 indians running down a hill ?? a mud-slidewhat do you call 500 blacks running down a hill ?? JAILBREAK
What is the difference between Tottenham and a jar of flowers?You can see a jar of flowers on top of a table
What do you call a bird with Down"s Syndrome?A Mongoose.
Big Brother 9I"ve never seen so many twats in one place since I last went window shopping in Amsterdam.
The wife went to a fancy dress party as a pirate the other night, not because she liked the costume but because it was the only one that would hide her fucking black eye.
What does YMCA stand for?You Might Catch Aids.
I remember on The X Factor there was a 25-year-old black woman with five kids who"d previously been a crack addict. Simon Cowell said she was a "unique person".I think we can all tell he hasn"t been to Croydon recently.
One day, the daddy rabbit says to his family, "Look over there, the grass is greener on the other side of the motorway".So daddy rabbit gets his family lined up at the side, shouts, "1, 2, 3, GO!", and they run like fuck. The only rabbit to survive is the baby rabbit.A few months later, a family of skunks have the same idea, so they line up. "1, 2, 3, GO!", shouts the daddy skunk. Same again, only the baby skunk survives, and scampers off into the lovely green grass.A few weeks later, the baby rabbit and the baby skunk bump into each other. "What are you?", asks the baby rabbit, and the skunk says the same.The skunk says, "Well you have big floppy ears, a twitchy nose and a bob tail. I know you"re a rabbit".So the rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Well you"re not black and you"re not white, and you fuckin stink, I know what you are, yer a fuckin" Paki."
People say that Paedophiles are selfish lovers, but how many men do you know that are willing to begin their foreplay with a bedtime story?
What is the most disappointing and digusting thing to a cannibal?A spoiled child.
I saw a man with a peanut sticking out of his bellend. I said, "are you fucking nuts?"
What have Patrick Swayze and Stevie Wonder got in common?Neither of them will see Christmas!
Part 1: How do you make a baby crawl in circles?Nail its hand to the floor.Part 2:How do you make it stop?Nail its other hand to the floor.
My mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft.He"s just called S now.
Innuendo Man. Thank heavens you"ve come!
What"s brown and runny?Kelly Holmes
I wish I were your derivative so I could lay tangent to your curves
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people"s souls through two people"s bodies, as one."The other 50% are men.
My mate Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn"t do.He didn"t wipe his fingerprints off the knife.
A guy bursts into a library and walks up to the book counter and shouts, "PINT OF LAGER, PLEASE, BARMAID!"Shocked, the librarian replies, "I"m sorry sir but this is a library!"Realising his mistake, the guy whispers very quietly, "sorry... pint of lager, please, barmaid."
Bill Clinton is walking down a corridor in the White House when he sees a pretty young girl walking towards him."Hello," he says "Are you new here?""Yes," she replies "I started yesterday.""Ah," answers Bill "I thought I hadn"t come across your face before."
A man goes to the doctor for his test results. The doctor says, "Mr Smith, do you want the good news or the bad news?""Give me the bad news please Doc" he replies."OK then" says the doctor, "you"re going to die in 48 hours."The man is shocked and says, "well, what"s the bloody good news?"The doctor replies, "we"re naming a disease after you."