Random Jokes - HaHas.co.uk
- Q-- What's the worst thing about screwing a 3 year old?
A-- Getting blood on your clown suit.
- Elton John buys himself some rather expensive golden yellow bed sheets and, after putting them on the bed, he realized he should have gotten some milk while he was out. He tells his boyfriend not to have a wank on the bed and dirty the sheets while he"s goes and gets some milk from the Spar. But when he returns he find the sheets are full of sperm."You dirty bastard", yells Elton. "I told you not to have a wank on my new sheets"."I didn"t," his boyfriend, sheepishly replies. "I farted".
- I had sex in the back of my dad"s car once.He was pretty angry when he looked in his rear-view mirror.
- Japanese farmers are complaining of poverty in the coming months, which is bullshit. I saw one farm with 2 boats and 20 cars out the front.
- My wife is so illogical. Last week she threw me out of the house, crying hysterically and calling me an "animal".Now I ask you, how many animals have you ever known to lie on the living room floor masturbating while a Brazilian transsexual takes a dump on the coffee table above?
- With no Hurricane Higgins or Whirlwind White in the snooker, it"s good to see Cyclone Burma make an appearance on finals day.
- *puts hand on shoulder*
"9 out of 10 rapes start with a shoulder touch and a conversation about apples."
*lean in closer*
"Granny smith's are my favorite"
- Two Jewish blokes, Gerry and Sam, find a prostitute and, being Jewish, they don"t want to spend much money, so they ask the hooker if she will have them both for a fiver. The hooker says no, but she will fuck them both for six quid, so they go back to her apartment.Gerry sits on the sofa while Sam goes first. The prostitute gets on top and starts riding away.After a minute the prostitute says, "Come on, faster, faster, I"ll knock a couple of quid off." So Sam fucks her faster. A minute later she says, "come on, harder,harder, I"ll knock another couple of quid off." So Sam fucks her harder. Then she says, "come on, harder and faster, I"ll knock another couple off quid off." So he bangs her harder and faster. Just then Gerry jumps off the sofa and screams, "go on sam, go for the profit, go for the profit!"
- My Mum used to say, "beggars can"t be choosers."Is that why Kerry Katona shops in Iceland then?
- With Rangers out of Europe they are set to lose millions of pounds.I do actually feel sorry for them, I mean being stuck in Scotland for one whole year.
- Why Guns are better than Women:12. Your gun never complains about the length of your trigger finger.11. Your gun"s double-barrel will always stay firm.10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you"re on the road.8. If you admire a friend"s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.7. Your primary gun doesn"t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.5. A gun doesn"t take up a lot of closet space.4. Guns function normally every day of the month.3. A gun doesn"t ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"2. A gun doesn"t mind if you go to sleep after you use it. And the number one reason a gun is favoured over a woman.... Drum roll, please!1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.
- What do you call a 6-year-old with her legs open?A gymnast, you sick fuck!
- A black guy dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates he is greeted by St Peter. St Peter says, "heaven is very full at the moment and we are only accepting people who have done something amazing. Have you ever done anything amazing?".The black guy says, "in fact I have. I fucked the daughter of the imperial dragon of the Klu Klux Klan.""Wow," says St Peter, "that is amazing! When was that?"To which the black guy replies, "oh, about five minutes ago"
- I was in London the other day and this tramp came up to me and said, "Mister I haven"t tasted food in a week"I said "Don"t worry it still tastes the same".
- I once dated a girl with one boob bigger than the other.She entered a wet t-shirt competition and won first and third prize.
- Consider a glass 50% filled with water. What would people call that glass?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: the glass is half empty
Engineer: the glass is too big
- Not just anyone can win an Oscar these days; you have to be willing to die for one.
- Failing to pay your taxes, and becoming bankrupt.That"s why mums shop at Iceland
- What are the first symptoms of AIDS?A sharp pounding sensation up the backside.
- A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It"s my first wife"s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again. The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks. "Please tie the Scouser to my back."
- Sure Jesus loves you, but does he swallow?
- There was a blackout in my street last night...Everyone had to stay indoors until the police shot the cunt!
- Some Interesting Sexual PerformancesThe Spiderman: Ejaculating on your hand and then slapping someone with that hand, when said hand leaves the face a distinct web can be seenThe Campino (aka The Strawberry Cheesecake): Ejaculating all over your sexual partners face then punching them right in the nose, the mix of blood and semen looks like one of those Campino Sweets.The Donkey Punch: While in the act of anal sex, punch your sexual partner at the point where the head meets the neck, the anal sphincter then tightens, producing an effect that most would call "more desirable"Please feel free to add to this list![Addition: The Dirty Sanchez: A surprise attack whereby you stick a finger into your partner"s anus, then use the finger to draw a moustache on her top lip. This one cost me my second marriage, but lol it was worth it!][Addition: The Spiderman 2: When you"re fucking her from behind, pull out, spit on her back and cum in your hand. When she turns around, flick it in her eye][Addition: The Angry Pirate: Cum in her eye then kick her in the shin][Addition: The Rusty Hook: stick your finger up your anus then choose some body at random and hook the inside of their cheek using the same finger][Addition: The superman . . . bend her over fuck her up the arse before you cum pull it out and cum on her back then slap a blanket on when she stands up shes got a cape. . . u might recognise this from souljah boy "Superman that hoe"!!][Addition: Surprise Sex....................................Rape][Addition Adam Ant Sex- Leave a stripe across her nose][Addition: the penguin-- whilst fucking a girl in her arse, spit on her back so she thinks youve comed, when she turns around, punch her in the eye, and fuck her harder, then the net day youll see her wadleing like a penguin, with one dark eye :][Addition: Superman 2 -- when ur girlfriend won"t shag you, wait till shes asleep then have a wank, cum up her back and stick the sheet to her, when she wakes up it will be stuck like a cape (and yes ive done it.)
- FREE TIBET **while stocks last.
- When I got home last night my wife demanded I take her somewhere expensive.So I took her to a petrol station.
- Q: How many prison officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ... A: Two. One screw to screw in the bulb and another screw to screw the first screw should he screw up.
- So, Gary Glitter likes to have sex with six-year-old girls, doesn"t like having his picture in the papers, and is always insisting that everyone join his gang.Is it just me, or does anyone else think he"s the reincarnation of the Prophet Mohammed?
- A guy walked into his doctor"s surgery to book an appointment with his regular GP."Would you like to tell me your problem?" the receptionist quietly asked. "You see, I need the information for the doctor.""It"s quite embarassing, actually," the guy blushed. "I have a large and almost constant erection." "Well, the doctor is busy today, but I"m sure I can squeeze you in," she replied.
- My boss really is a bastard. He calls me in to his office and says, "You know, I really don"t know how we would cope without you..." and just as I get my hopes up he continues, "...but starting Monday we"re going to try."
- Linford Christie"s a bit bored one day, so he decides to take up golf. He goes down to the local course, walks in and says, "Hi, I"d like to join your golf club"The receptionist calls the club captain, who comes to meet the former Olympic sprinter at reception. "Hi," says Linford "I"d like to join your golf club""I"m terribly sorry" says the club captain "but we don"t let black people join our club, if you turn left out of the gates, there"s a public course about 15 minutes up the road and they"ll let you play there""I don"t think you understand" says Linford "I"m Linford Christie""Oh I see, I"m terribly sorry" says the Captain " In that case the public course is five minutes up the road!"