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A man goes to the doctor"s for a cock extension. The doctor suggests a baby elephant"s trunk stitched on, at a cost of £5,000. The man agrees.Six weeks later, whilst having dinner with a new woman, he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks, "this is the night".Whilst chatting over dinner, his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and then goes back."Wow!" she says. "Can you do that again?"He says, "my cock can, but I don"t think my arse can take another apple."
People say that Paedophiles are selfish lovers, but how many men do you know that are willing to begin their foreplay with a bedtime story?
My doctor reckons I"m paranoid.He didn"t say it, but I know he"s thinking it.
For todays Olympic Closing Ceremony, the French National Squad is to be sedated in an attempt to stop them running out of the Stadium during the firework finale.
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?When your wife has to chew before she swallows.
What do you do if a herd of elephants come over the hill?Swim for it!
Why can"t Stevie Wonder see his mates every Sunday night?Because he"s married.
My girlfriend isn"t allowed to give me blow jobs - apparently, children under 3 years can choke on small parts.
What"s the difference between your mum and a Rubik"s Cube?I haven"t done a Rubik"s Cube blindfolded.
Just in case you"ve had a rough day or you ARE having a rough day. Here is a quick 7-Step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is - this really works. Try this: 1. Picture yourself near a stream. 2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. 3. No one but you knows your secret place. 4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world." 5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 6. The water is crystal clear. 7. You can easily make out the face of the person you"re holding under the water. See - You are smiling already.
Apparently about 1 person in 10 is homosexual.Also around 1 person in 10 uses an Apple Mac.Coincidence?
How did the Priest find the little boy in the forest?Very nice indeed.
The swimming pool: where erectile dysfunction really pays for itself.
How do you train to become a world class bull rider?Marry an epileptic
Theres a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'theres plenty more of that where i come from'.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'theres plenty more of those where i come from'.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections.One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it"s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"His wife, irritated by her husband"s lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you"re ready, Father of Four."
What are the worst things about being an egg?You only get laid once,you only get eaten once,you only get hard once,you come in a box with five other guysand the only chick to ever sit on your face is your mother.
There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it"s inevitable course.Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...They buried her.
Cider £1 per litre,Condoms £5 for 20,Cheap sluttly clothes under £10,That"s why teenage mums shop at Iceland.
A travelling salesman knocks on a house doorIt is answered by a young child wearing a smoking jacket. he has glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other.The salesman asks "Are your parents in?"The child replies "What the fuck do you think?"
According to published reports, immediately following the Tsunami in January of 2005, all of the sharks in the Indian Ocean came down with a terrible case of diarrhoea.You try eating Thai for a whole week!
I always wanted to be a comedian as a child. My Dad told me I should practice in the bath, so I did. The bad thing is, he said the same thing to my brother. He was an electrician.
How do you grease a Fiat?Run over two Italians!
What"s the difference between Maddie and a red Ferrari?I don"t have a red Ferrari in my garage :(
Why is Pakistani airschool so short?They only have to learn to take off.
What is soft and warm when you go to bed but hard and stiff when you get up?Vomit
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain"t horny. I"m homesick."
Sad news reports are coming in that a whale, stranded on an English sandbank today, had to be put down despite a massive rescue attempt.Still, they were pretty fucking daft to try to pick it up in the first place.
........20 Signs You’re Getting Old.........20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can"t smoke any of them.19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.16. You hear your favourite song in a lift.15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up."14. You"re the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won"t turn down the stereo.13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers.11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt.10. You take naps.9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one.8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.7. You go to the chemist"s for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests.6. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.4. "I just can"t drink the way I used to" replaces "I"m never going to drink that much again."3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.2. When you find out your friend"s missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh fuck, what happened?"And the number one sign you are getting old is:1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn"t apply to you and can"t find one.
How was the Grand Canyon formed?A Scotsman lost a tenner down a rabbit hole