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Apparently, the National Press in the UK has stated there are 4.2 million people on Incapacity/Disabled Benefits.Paralympics is ours FUCKERS!!!!!
I love blind dates......because you can stare at their tits.
The Premier League has officially decided to rename Arsenal"s stadium the Immigrants
I find all these obese jokes horrible.Don"t you think they have enough on their plate?
A woman was talking to her friend the other day."Honestly, I don"t know how I keep getting pregnant - it must be something in the air."The other woman replies, "yes, your legs."
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with my sex life."The doctor asks, "can you describe the problem?""Well... I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blowjob from her before I leave for work""Okay..." the doctor replies."I haven"t finished yet. I get to work and shag my secretary in my coffee break. At lunch-time I go to see my mistress and shag her a couple of times. I get back to work and shag my secretary again in the afternoon tea-break.""Right.""Excuse me, I still haven"t finished. After work, I see my mistress again on the way home and shag her. Then I get home and shag the wife. I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep.""Well, I don"t see what the problem is..."The guy says, "it hurts when I wank."
Particle physics gives me a hadron.
Why do women get periods?Because they deserve them!
I hate those emails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got 10 just the other day.Eight of them from my girlfriend.But it"s the two from my mum that really hurt....
Little girl: "Mummy... is it alright if I go and play with Grandma?" Mother: "No, it isn"t... you"ve been to that damned Cemetery three times already today!"
Good to see the Government hasn"t lost its sense of humour.According to the latest Home office advert, you need a license to employ people from outside the EU or they "won"t get through".Apart from the five million they missed, obviously.
A local snooker player died last week. His funeral was yesterday. Buried in front of him are a Pakistani, an African and a Jap. His wife moaned, "it"s totally unfair, he"s completely snookered behind the black, brown and yellow!!"
What do you get if you cross Vanessa Feltz with Michele McManus?About 5.4 on the Richter Scale.
Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen from or heard from again. The McCanns have offered to help.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? ... A: Well hung.
Why is porn like KFC Chicken?It feels great when you"re doing it, but afterwards, you feel really dirty. And your hands are all sticky.
How do you cut an emo sandwich?You don"t need to, it cuts itself.
Experts are urging Gordon Brown to do something to stimulate the country during the credit crunch.I don"t know about you, but the thought of those arrogant fucking merchant bankers emptying their desks into cardboard boxes, handing back the keys to their Porches and waving goodbye to obscene bonuses has cheered me up no end.
Osama Bin Laden is fed up with hiding in caves. He"s contacted a public relations agency who promised him that, in return for spending a few years in jail, all his fucked-up terrorism will be forgiven, he"ll be made a world hero, given his own country to rule, which will be populated by the people he once killed, and he can steal all of their hard-earned possessions.Well, it worked for Nelson Mandela.
My wife was saying I don"t let her go out anymore.What does she expect? Last time she made a run for it.
What do you do if you run over a chav?Reverse, just to make sure.
I was sitting next to a man with jelly in one ear and custard in the other. So I turned to him and said, "are you a trifle deaf?"He said, "no, I"m mentally ill as it happens."
A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it. While he`s sitting at the bar, his monkey is out of control. It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball. The landlord runs up to the man and says, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?""No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man."He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord."I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.About two weeks later the man comes back to the pub with his monkey. While he`s drinking at the bar his monkey is again out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar picks it up, sticks it up his arse and then pulls it out and eats it.The landlord having seen this asks the man, "Did you see what your sick monkey just did?""No," says the man."He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him."Well, what do you expect?" asks the man. "Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"
what's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree ?
my cock while i'm doing it
Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.A big poster at the front reads "Two Blackmen wanted for rape!"Paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".
My wife came into the room screaming, "Oh my god, our little Kylie"s got meningitis."I said, "that"s a little rash, isn"t it?"
What"s white and runs down trees?Monkey spunk.
I"m very proud of my Grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Admittedly that was in 1972 but you can never be too careful.
Jesus walks into desert and up to St Peter. He says, "it"s no good Pete, Been everywhere and all I could scrounge was a few loaves and half dozen fishes."Peter tells Jesus, "it"s no problem Guv"nor, look around."Jesus looks round and sees 5,000 people all eating cod in breadcrumbs."See, it"s all taken care of," Peter says.Jesus shouts, "but how? When I left here we had nothing to eat."Peter points, "all taken care of. Judas came into a bit of money"
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. There is also a gypsy woman sitting opposite to them with her legs wide spread. One man says, "Look, she has such dark hair on her genitals!"The other says, "Oh no, it isn"t hair, it is dark panties!" Then they made a bet - £100. A waiter goes by so they ask him to find out for them. He did so, but takes all the money and walks away. "What happened, why are you taking the money?!" They asked the waiter. He replies: "Neither of you was right! She had her period and there were flies on her!"