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Murphy: "You"ve a nice couple of goldfish there Paddy. What are their names?" Paddy: "I"ve called them, One and Two". Murphy: "Why is that then Paddy?" Paddy: ""Coz if One dies, I"ve still got Two".
An Arsenal fan and a Tottenham Hotspur fan went fishing along the river Thames one Saturday afternoon. The Tottenham fan asks, "how did the Yids get on today?""They lost...again," grinned the Arsenal fan."How do you know that when we are nowhere near a television?"The Arsenal fan checks his watch. "It"s 4:45pm, mate."
What"s the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver.
Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity.
What"s the difference between a picnic table and an immigrant?A picnic table can support itself.
Smoking isnt that bad for you - there"s nothing wrong with my lung.
There was panic in France this morning as the Channel Tunnel remains closed, cutting off the main French escape route to England.
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I"m Norwegian."
Who was the last 20 stone black man to ride a derby winner?Lester Piggott"s cell mate.
I"m a police officer and today arrested a paedophile. I was absolutely sickened... One of the kids on his hard-drive was.... was.... ginger....
I"d hate to be the poor fucker who has to clean the mess up in the leper colony after they"ve finished the hokey-kokey!
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer,Then, on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV. And, most of all, being suspicious of anything foreign oh and.. only in Britain can you get a pizza to your door faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter. Also supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front of the shop. We might be British, but by fuck are we funny!
I want to live my next life backwards :You start out dead and get that out of the way.Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.You work 40 years until you"re too young to work.You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you"re generally promiscuous.Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.Then you become a baby, and then...You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...You finish off as an orgasm.I rest my case.
Michael Phelps should do even better in the 2012 Olympics, seeing as he"ll soon have the whole of New Orleans to practice in.
What is the difference between Batman and a black man?Batman can go into a convenience store without Robin.
What did one nonce say to the other?I"ll swap you two fives for a ten..
I had to laugh the other day.I"d been sniffing Nitrous Oxide.
A science teacher asked his class, "How do you make a hormone?"Little Johnny replied, "Don"t pay her."
Is it just my imagination - but I can't help but think scousers are a bit like nigerians... without the glamour.
Hurricane Gustav.Proof that God hates Americans as much as we do.
I phoned that Childline the other day: what a fucking jip, you can tell they"re adult voices.I lost my erection straight away.
Two flies on a piece of shit, one farts and the other one says "Do you mind, I"m eating my dinner".
Some "Save the Earth" type collector came up to me asking for a donation - "Please sir, in 100 years time the African Elephant will be extinct!"I replied, "so will I, but you don"t see me asking them for money."
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections.One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it"s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"His wife, irritated by her husband"s lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you"re ready, Father of Four."
Studies have shown that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.For example, if a woman"s ovulating she"ll be attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.If, however, she is menstruating, she is more likely to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his arse.
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY - Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man"s "mistake" was in fact deliberate.Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I"m, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to shit and I said "Hey, great weather!".
Have you ever wondered if your mother kissed you goodnight after giving your dad a blow job?Bet you have now!!!
A prostitute goes to the doctor complaining of morning sickness. The doctor says, "congratulations! Do you know who the father is?"The prossy replies, "if you ate a tin of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"
John Prescott has revealed that he suffers from bulimia.He says the stress of his duties as Deputy Prime Minister drove him to gorge himself with food.And he was so busy, he kept forgetting to puke.
Did you know that the mobile phone is the only thing in the world which blokes argue over who"s got the smallest?