Random Jokes - HaHas.co.uk

• One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a terrible accident and died. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don"t step on the ducks, don"t bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!" She had stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second ugliest person in Heaven.The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen, she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen. She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said, "He stepped on a duck."
• Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him and if Johnny swore he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. So two days before Christmas Johnny"s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a fucking teddy-bear laying right fucking here beside me when I fucking wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a fucking train going around the fucking tree, and when I go outside I want to see a fucking bike leaning up against the fucking garage."On Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a fucking dog but I can"t find the bastard”.
• I bought some drugs on the internet that they say make you live forever. So far so good.
• How do you make a Pakistani pregnant?Cum on her shoes and let the flys do the rest!
• A rich young man was involved in a very bad car crash, and his Porsche was a write off. As he lay stunned at the side of the road, he moaned quietly to himself, "Oh, my car,my poor car".A paramedic overhead his words and knelt down beside him. "Excuse me, sir," he said gently, "I think you should be more concerned about your arm."The young man looked down to where his arm should have been and started to cry in anguish, "Oh my Rolex, my poor Rolex!"
• I was feeling a little down yesterday...Then the bastards threw me out of the special learning school.
• Tottenham Hotspur have decided to officially adopt the Star of David as their club symbol, not because of it"s links to Judaism, but it"s the only way they"ll get six points this year
• Did anyone else find it ironic that the London 2012 double decker bus that was part of the closing ceremony at the Paralympics was not one with disabled access?
• Why are all the best basketball players black?Because it involves stealing, shooting and running...
• Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he notices his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge.Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, "Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe?" Sheila turns around with tears welling up in her eyes. "Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant. I don"t want to be a burden, so I"m just gonna kill myself!" Bruce gets a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car. "Sheila, not only are you a great fuck, but you"re a good sport about it too!"
• If you have nuts on your wall what do you have? Walnuts.If you have nuts on your chest what do you have? Chestnuts.If you have nuts on your chin what do you have? A fucking big mouthful of cock.
• A Mexican, a Pakistani, and an Englishman are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Pakistani obviously impressed by this, drinks his non-alcohol beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The English man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Pakistani. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In England we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
• I suppose if I had a choice between diseases, I would prefer to be a schizophrenic kleptomaniac.After all, you never feel alone....and if it gets too bad, you can always take something for it.
• A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company"s fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn"t you say, at the scene of the accident, "I"m fine,"?" asked the Lawyer.Clyde responded, "Well, I"ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...""I didn"t ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I"m fine!"?"Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde"s answer and said to the lawyer, "I"d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad anddidn"t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you Feeling?""Now tell me, what the fuck would you say?"
• What"s the difference between Ant and Dec and lesbian sex? Nothing. They"re both just a couple of cunts bouncing off each other.
• How do you kill a bunch of retards on a bus?Put poison on the windows.
• What"s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for arseholes.
• One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don"t know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He"ll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he"ll rip off your dress and you"ll have fantastic sex!" "What should I do?" asked Gloria. Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."
• FOR SALE BY OWNERComplete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. 1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything
• What do you call a Muslim having trouble breathing ?Asma Attaq
• My son is three-years-old and I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn"t buy it and he certainly didn"t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre - and went to the jewellers.
• A girl brought her boyfriend home late one night. With her parents being asleep in bed, she asked him to be quiet. So when he said he was desperate to use the bathroom , rather than sending him upstairs and risk waking her parents, she told him to use the kitchen sink instead. A few minutes later he popped his head around the door."Have you finished" she whispered."Yeah" he said, "Have you got any paper?"
• As soon as I got home last night I ripped my wifes thong off. Just in time as it was making my arsehole feel like a tea towel holder.
• People say a positive something is better than a negative nothing.Tell that to a HIV patient
• Gary answers the telephone, and it"s a Casualty doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."Gary says, "My God. What"s the good news?" The doctor says, "I"m kidding. She"s dead!"
• What"s round, hard and smells of apple?Chris Martin"s fist.
• I"ve just seen the news story of the mother who drowned her four-year-old daughter in the bath.I think its terrible.With the current economic crisis, wouldn"t it have been cheaper to fill the sink?
• Its coming to my favourite time of the year, Halloween. The only time I can dress up and play with kids without arousing suspicion.
• How do you stop little children from playing in your yard?Molest them.
• A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?""Yeah, once or twice," he said."You mean you"ve actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked."Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I"d ever lied to my girlfriend."