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Three tough looking rats are sitting at a bar drinking.The first rat puts down his beer and turns to the others, saying, "You know how tough I am? Well, you know that rat poison they put down in the kitchen? I eat that stuff for breakfast lunch and dinner!"The second rat looks unimpressed and says, "That"s nothing. You know those big fucking rat traps they got all over the place? Well, get this - I jump in and out of them for a bit exercise. That"s how tough I am!"The third rat knocks back his whiskey, slams the glass down on the bar and heads for the door. "Where are you going?" asks the first rat."I"m off home to shag the cat", replies the third rat.
Q. How many ears does Spock have? A. 3. A left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.
With Amy Winehouse"s husband in prison for the foreseeable future she has turned to lesbianism. Just once again proving she can"t keep her hands off the crack.
Why are women"s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Why is it that, at the Olympics, the white athletes win the shooting events and the black athletes win the running events?
Now, I"m not saying spousal abuse is right, I"m just saying that sometimes she deserves it.
This married couple have just been to a fancy dress party and they are dressed in a cow costume with the the bloke in the front and the woman in the back. They cross over a field and the woman hears running footsteps, then she shrieks "oh my god, its a bull coming, what shall we do?"The bloke says "I"m going to eat some grass...you better fuckin" brace yourself"
Two elderly couples chatting. One of the men says: "We went to a great restaurant last night." "What's it called?" asked his pal. He racks his brain, then he says: "What's that red flower you give to someone you love?" "A rose," his mate says. "Rose," calls the man, "what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn"t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I"m a defective parrot.""WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!""I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.""Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?""Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can"t see it because of my feathers.""Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can"t you!?""Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I"m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I"d be a great companion."The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can"t afford that.""Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I"m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don"t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he"s interesting, he"s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he"s insightful.The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don"t know if I should tell you this or not, but it"s about your wife and the postman.""What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately.""WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?""Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot."My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?""Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . .""WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?""Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21): Today you should go to your bedroom window and stand there naked for a minute, then turn around and stay there for another minute, you should do this especially if your name is Mrs Hughes and you live at 56, The Avenue, Clapham. Around 3.30 would be best for me.
What"s green and invisible?This lettuce.
A few years ago, Roy Chubby Brown was giving a stand up comedy performance at a dinner, and about 10 minutes into the set a guy got up and started walking towards the toilets." Fucking hell," says Chubbs to the crowd " Where is this stupid cunt going?" The guy looked up at the fat cunt and said, " I"m just nipping for a quick piss before the comedian comes on."
Q: Why do programmers get Halloween and christmas confused?
A: Because OCT31 = DEC25.
Went to the doctor"s the other day. I said,"Doctor, I"ve swallowed a bone.""Are you choking?" he asked.I said, "no,I"m fucking serious!"
Harold Shipman - Britain"s worst serial killer. Killed 215 people before getting caught. Surely, that makes him Britain"s BEST serial killer?
A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It"s my first wife"s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again. The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks. "Please tie the Scouser to my back."
What"s red and slimy and can be found on the floor of a fish shop?Abortion of chips
The girl next door has a life-threatening condition.She is fancied by me.
A nun walks into Mother Superior"s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration."What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family.""It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it,"snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord"s name in vain today!""Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!""Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it"s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!""Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn"t make you blaspheme, Sister!""No, that wasn"t it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother."But I didn"t, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that"s when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile."Nope, that wasn"t it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the fucking putt, didn"t you?"
Why did God create lesbians?So feminists couldn"t breed.
Asylum seeker at the side of the road eating grass. Man pulls up in his car and says "Hey! Don"t eat that. Come home with me and I"ll feed you."The asylum seeker replies "I have 4 wives and 12 kids, can they come too?"Man says "Fuck off, I"ve only got a small lawn!"
The American team, sponsored by McDonald"s, are expected to do well at the Paralympics.Ever since obesity was declared a disability, they have been training hard.
Secrets to a Happy Marriage1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.and MOST important...4. It is important that these three women never meet.
What"s the definition of gross?Dreaming you"re eating cottage cheese and waking up with your grandmother sitting on your face.
Scouse mum and daughter are washing the dishes"Mum, why are your hands so soft and smooth.. is it because you use fairly liquid?""No it"s because i"m 14"
When composers die, they decompose
How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?Dress her up as a goat.
What"s the difference between Madeleine McCann and Madeleine McCann jokes?Madeleine McCann jokes get old.
One in three Americans weigh as much as the other two put together.
A Kiwi walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder.The barman says, "bugger me, mate, that"s a fancy looking thing. Where"d you get that?"The parrot replied, "down at Centrelink mate, there"s hundreds of the bastards!"